Thursday, March 8, 2012

Schwangerschaft Ankündigungen oder Pregnancy Announcements

I'm not doing Thankful Thursday today. Why? Because I'm not thankful. I'm a sad, empty, bitter infertile who's pissed off. So that's what I'm going to write about.

Since DH and I decided to start trying, there have been pregnancy announcements from people we know every six to eight weeks. At first, we weren't actually trying, since DH was deployed, so it wasn't really a big deal. And lots of people that were getting pregnant had dealt with infertility, so that was okay. Then DH came back, and every time I heard an announcement, I was crushed, but I told myself I would be the next one announcing. This has not worked so far. (So much for the power of positive thinking!)

Yesterday, as I was stretching after my run, I realized that it had been close to six weeks since the last announcement, (Five actually, but who's counting? Oh yeah, ME!) and I thought to myself that this time I might just be the next one. I haven't thought this for a while, but it could be true this time. I'm shooting myself up with drugs, and I have a doctor regularly sticking his wand (ha!) up into my lady parts, and I'm getting blood draw like I'm starting some sort of food bank for vampires. I might have a chance. Maybe it will be me. I think then the universe sensed something was out of order and decided to redress the balance and remind me that I will not be next.

Ha ha! Don't get your hopes up!
I got a note on a post from my cousin that she wanted to skype. This is the closest part of my family, physically. She and her husband and 10 month old son live in England. She got pregnant right after they moved there She was the second to announce her pregnancy before DH and I started trying, and I was really happy for her because they had been trying for quite a while. They hadn't started on the medical front yet because they had just gotten health insurance, but that was coming soon. So I was so happy for them. I love her and I am godmother to her son. It has been so nice to have part of the family so close.

She and I skype every couple of weeks or so, so I opened skype and called her. She asked how things were going with me. I told her about all of the appointments and the size of my follicles and showed her my giant bruise from the injections. That is when the universe struck to redress the balance.

She told me that the "physical intimacy in her marriage was lacking"; that they have only been doing the PODO about once a week. Their son is sleeping in bed with them (They aren't co-sleeping, so much as really tired.) and things just haven't been right on that front. They did manage a quickie on Valentine's Day though and she was a week late, so she got a HPT, and sure enough it was positive. Then she went to the doctor for a blood test the next day, and wouldn't you know it, that one was positive too!

I just sat there with a smile frozen on my face. She didn't seem that excited, so I asked her if she was happy about it. She said she was in shock, that she never expected it to happen so fast. Then she talked about how she is going to wait to announce it to the world until after her sister has her baby in June (A previous blow to my heart.), but there are several people she'll tell before then. She tried to change the subject and asked how my mom is doing and said that she would be sure to visit her when she goes back in June, which just killed me because I would be back there now if it weren't for TTC. Then her husband came home, and our call mercifully ended.

Cue crying. Waves of tears. I wept until DH got home, and then he tried to comfort me. It helped a little, but I felt trapped and had to get out. I wanted to get out of my house, out of my town, out of my skin and out of my broken body with its empty womb. I went out and rode my bike. I'm not sure how long, and I'm not sure it helped, but it was something. I just kept replaying it in my head and thinking terrible thoughts. A quickie on Valentine's Day. She'll go back to the States and visit my mother. She'll have two kids before she's 23. They have no money. Why can't we be parents?

It's like a bad dream. I felt (and still feel) sad and numb. I'm so tired of it being other people. I'm also tired of not being able to be happy for others at their good news. I hate being bitter. I hate cutting myself off from people because I can't bear to see their children and the joy that they bring. I hate plastering a smile on my face when I am shattered inside. I just want it to be my turn.

And someday, it will be.

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