Things are

Bee and I just got back from visiting my parents in Montana on Tuesday morning after two very long flights with one very awake little girl. Bee slept a total of 1:20 in about 20 hours. She is a determined one! I'm very glad to be home and to be getting closer to done with jet lag.

My grandmother passed away in July and the funeral was while we were home, so it was great to be able to attend that and help my mom out with some of the planning. Bee loved the party atmosphere and kept asking to have a party every day, even after people had left. She came out of her shell with my family and opened up, which was wonderful to see.

Bee starts German kindergarten in 16 days. It's more like daycare than kindergarten as Americans know it. Boy am I ready for her to go! She has so much energy and wants to, as she puts it, "play and play and play!" It wears me out, especially since there's no family here to help me out.

On the baby #2 front, things are not looking good. I did one cycle with a doctor in Nuremberg, but I knew from around CD 16 it was not going to work. He increased my dosage, he had me continue injections, but I just felt that it was doomed. I did the trigger on CD 22 and got my period a day or two after I arrived in the States, on the same day a good friend got her positive test after a miscarriage. So hard.

While I was home my cousin, who got pregnant with her son while I was doing treatments for Bee, told me that she was going to plan on having another baby when her husband gets home from deployment. The fact that it could be that easy for some people is another kind of blow. Just hearing that again, it's tough.

It doesn't help that youtube and the rest of the internet knows what I'm thinking and I'm being bombarded with pregnancy and ovulation test ads. Lay off internet!!!

DH and I talked about things before I left. I think we are going to be done. Done trying, done hoping against hope. Done fighting with the insurance company. Done with injections and scrambling for childcare for fertility appointments. Just done. I keep hoping for a miracle, but I don't see one on the horizon.

After this cycle that I am currently on in which my body starting producing beautiful EWCM the day before I flew home and has yet to drop an egg, DH will be scheduling a vasectomy. I want to let go of this part and enjoy life as it is. Stop thinking about the sibling that is not coming.

So, that's the plan. On to life with an only child!

Trying again.

Bee is two, almost 2 1/2. Last April, DH and I started not preventing, just to see what would happen. I got another prescription for Metformin, although I didn't really take any. Life went along. My cycles were fairly regular for a while, and then slowly but surely they got longer. This March I went to my new doctor in a new town (we moved again within Germany last July). I told her we had been trying a year with no success. I was referred to a gyn. I did one cycle where I showed up with a 16mm follicle and got a trigger shot within a couple of days. No luck. The next cycle (the current one) I got the vag cam a couple of times. At CD 16, my biggest follicle was 10 mm. So, now I'm on CD 41, having ovulated last weekend. I have a referral to an infertility specialist in Nuremberg for 19 June, the day after we get back from vacation. I don't have high hopes because I'll be 2ish weeks into that cycle and I'm leaving in August to go back to the States for three weeks to visit my parents. And if I have another baby, I want it to be in Germany because of several various reasons.

So this is my plan. I will give it until 1 October of this year/finish out whatever treatment I'm on as of 1 October. If nothing happens, I'll go back to not preventing. If still nothing happens (which it probably won't), then we'll close up shop and be happy with one.

Meine erste Mutterstag oder My first Mother's Day

I meant to post this on Mother's Day, but got distracted. Oh, well.

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Little Bee has been around almost five months now. She's rolling over (both ways) and is working on sitting up. It's amazing how much she's changed in such a short time. She's been sleeping through the night (eleven to twelve hours) for about three weeks. It's amazing.

Spring has been cloudy here in Germany, but we're finally seeing some warmer weather. The ice cream shop and the restaurant across the square both have tables outside. DH and I have had ice cream once Bee is asleep for the night once or twice. Last week, there was Schlemmerwoche in my town and all the wine sellers in town had little restaurants. One evening, DH and I went to one that was within range of the baby monitor after Bee was down. The move in January was hard, but this place is great. 

Sunday is Mother's Day and I can't really believe that I get to be part of this for the first time. Now that things are getting better, I am enjoying being a mother and getting to experience things that I had hoped for and dreamed of while I was trying to get pregnant. Smiles, coos, occasional laughter. Snuggles and kisses. All those wonderful things. Today I had to remind myself that sometimes when people do not smile, they might have another reason for it. I had my fair share of time scowling at women with babies. 

Life is lots different, but in some ways still the same. It's still not perfect, but there are moments that make everyday great. 

Happy Mother's Day! To those that are mothers now and those that are still on their way to motherhood.

It's hard to read, but her jammies say "kleine Nacht-Eule",
 little night owl.

Es wird noch besser oder it gets better

For weeks, months, people kept telling me that this whole parent thing would get better. It was to the point that I told my husband that the next person that told me that I was going to sock them in the mouth. I was so sick of hearing it. But, you know what? It's true.

I don't know if it's just that I'm getting better at being a parent, or if Bee is getting better at being alive, but it seems like in the past couple of weeks, we have turned a corner. We've been doing a nighttime routine for several weeks now, but in the past couple of weeks we've (I've) started a nap time routine and I am now getting some time to myself back. Bee is starting to laugh on a regular basis, which is awesome. The weather is getting better. It is getting better. This is the kind of stuff I imagined when I thought about being a mom.

I didn't imagine my husband going out of town for a week and me immediately coming down with a fever and then (ahem) unpleasant intestinal issues. Not fun, but I survived.

Also, I've been doing the cry it out. Don't judge me! It works for me. If something else works for you, more power to you. I needed to get some time to myself during the day and a longer stretch of sleep at night and not be getting up at 12 and 4 am to socialize and again at 6 am for the day. That isn't happening (regularly) anymore.

The weather is still cold, but it's warmer and I occasionally see sunshine. The ice cream shop across the market square has its tables and chairs out for the season. I'm getting out about once a week to see other moms. Life is good. And it's getting better.

Not enjoying our time out at the Easter market.

But maybe enjoying being in Mommy's arms.

How is life with you?

Kopf nach unten und bewegen Belastungen oder head down and moving stresses

I meant to get to this earlier in the week, but it didn't happen. Fortunately (for you) I cannot sleep, so I'll write this post now!

Last week at my 37 week appointment spawnette was breech. Dr. H didn't have any suggestions as to what might help, so I talked to my doula and she gave me several suggestions. Monday night, I only slept about 3 hours in total. Tuesday I tried to get moxibustion (more on this later), but they were just doing acupuncture at the hospital. I did get in the chiropractor on Tuesday. I was also doing inversions, as suggested by my doula. And playing classical music in my pants (which DH thought was hilarious). And using a hot pack down low and an ice pack up high. And pushing on spawnette's head. And talking to her. Basically whatever I could come up with that was safe. Or, relatively.

Tuesday night I actually got some sleep, which was great after feeling like a zombie all day the day before. I woke up Wednesday feeling kind of crappy and weird, but went on with my day. I was able to get ahold of the midwives at my hospital on Wednesday morning and schedule the moxibustion. I can't find a good link for this, but if you google it, you'll find some descriptions. Basically, the practitioner takes an incense stick the size of a cigar of mugwort, gets it good and glowing, and holds it at the outside corner of your pinkie toe at your bladder 67 point. I did this while on my elbows and knees with a midwife at my hospital. After ten minutes, the midwife did a check with palpation and said the baby had turned. Then I sat on the heartbeat monitor for 20 minutes. Usually spawnette is very active, but she seemed to be tired and taking a nap. It was good enough for the midwives though.

Monday I went in for another appointment and Dr. H checked via ultrasound, and she had turned! I was so relieved. Now I'm a tiny bit paranoid that she'll decide to turn back, but I think it will be pretty hard for her to accomplish at this point.

This week has been very busy. I've been working since last week on getting food put away in the freezer for when spawnette arrives since we will be on our own. Monday I did some more cooking and was on my feet most of the day. Tuesday, I did acupuncture and my last appointment with the chiropractor until after the birth, as well as cleaning and then a murder mystery dinner with friends that night. I didn't sleep much Tuesday night because of what was coming on Wednesday.

Wednesday, DH and I drove up to the place we will be moving to at the beginning of February. We have to find housing there, and the sooner the better. The only snag is that with us not moving for a couple of months landlords, understandably, can be hesitant about waiting to get a place filled until then. I only got about five hours of sleep Wednesday night, broken into two segments. We left home at 7 am and returned about 4:30 pm. We looked at three places. None of them are as big as the place we are in now, but there were a couple that could work. The first place had an especially good location and parking spaces for two cars, which is a luxury in town. We asked about that place and the gal at the housing office called the landlady. She said she would have to talk it over with her husband. The second bedroom in that place is very small, but will work well for an infant. My hope is that they understand that and will be willing to wait for us. We are supposed to hear back tomorrow. Otherwise, we will possibly drive back up on Friday to see another place. I had really hoped Friday would be a day to relax. We'll see.

So, with the stress of that, I slept last night from 10 until about 2 this morning. At 2:30, I turned on my light and read for about 45 minutes. (DH and I are in separate beds until spawnette arrives. It's just too crowded with all the pillows I am using, and I move around way too much.) Then I tried to sleep for another 45 minutes. No dice. So, now I'm up writing this. It's about 5 am now. At 1 pm, we will have somewhere between 10 and 12 adults coming for Thanksgiving along with 4 or so babies and at least one kid. I am not cooking the turkey, thank heavens. I do have some things to make today, but I'm hoping everyone will be out of here by 6 pm.

So, that's been the last week or so. Sorry about the novel. I'm stressed by the moving situation and needed to get it out. I would like something to be resolved there so that I can get a good night's sleep before I have real reason to be up at all hours.

To my American friends, Happy Thanksgiving!

Hinterteil oder breech

Yesterday I went for my 37 week appointment. All was good. Baby's active, I'm feeling good. (I went for an eight and a half mile walk on Friday!) Everything was hunky-dory until Dr. H pulled out the ultrasound. He put the wand up on the right side of my abdomen underneath of my ribs and-BAM!-there was spawnette's head. Shit.

At 31 weeks she was head down, so at some point in the past month and a half, she has decided she likes being close to my heart. How sweet! But, also, not good in terms of a natural birth.

Dr. H said that we will take a look again next week, that she still has time to turn. He said that if she is still breech in ten days or so we'll have to schedule a C-section. Ugh.

I'm trying to keep the end in mind. I've been through this whole process looking for a healthy baby. She's healthy! (7 lbs 4 oz by yesterday's estimate and moving all the time.) In a few months or years, it won't matter how she got here, just that we have her. But....

I have thought about what it would be like to give birth for the longest time. For at least the eleven years DH and I have been married, and certainly some as a teenager and child surrounded by aunts who shared their birth stories often. I found a doula to help me through labor and delivery before my first trimester was over. I've been taking any birth classes offered and have read up on what to expect. German hospitals are supposed to be amazing for giving birth because they are almost like birthing centers in the States would be. They let you move around, they have water birth facilities, they give you walking epidurals. This is supposed to be a wonderful experience.

To have that all taken away and go straight to a C-section.....it just guts me. When other women are telling their harrowing tales of all the drama of birth, I would have to say, "Oh, she was breech. I had a C-section." It feels like a loss and a failure.

So, I'm doing headstands and playing music to my crotch and trying acupuncture and chiropractic help. I've got a cold pack strapped onto my belly where spawnette's head likes to hang out and am trying not to lean back and get comfortable, but instead to hang my belly down low and get her to turn. I'm hoping to God this works and I will get a chance to have my birth. Even if it's not perfect, even if it's messy and long and ends up in a C-section, I want the chance to try. I had to have major medical help to get this baby in here, but I'd like to get her out on my own.

So, anyone else doing headstands this week?

Dies und das oder this and that

Well, I've waded through most of the paperwork to get to my off post OB. I went to an OB brief on post last Wednesday and got the call yesterday that my referral was in, so I went back in and got my first appointment scheduled. I'll be seeing my OB for the first time on Monday.

In the military community I'm in, there is no military hospital. There's a rather large clinic, but there's no emergency room, so they send you off post for your OB care. There are two doctors that all of the American women get sent to. I did get my choice of docs and I've heard nothing but good about the one I will be going to. The hospital is supposed to be fantastic with acupuncture and massage and water birthing tubs. Also, Germans really don't encourage epidurals so that will be good for me. I've always wanted to go the more natural route. The only thing I'm having trouble with right now is finding a doula. DH is out of town for an exercise for the next couple of weeks, so he won't be able to make it to this first OB appointment, but I'd rather get under care sooner than wait for him to be able to come too.

My morning sickness hasn't been too bad, and even if it were, I wouldn't be complaining. I went for a run this morning and the pear that I ate did not stay down for long after I got home. Also, my run time is slowing down, but that's to be expected. I've been needing more sleep and my boobs have gotten noticeably bigger, which I'm not crazy about because I was already a D and now my old DD bras are getting tight. My running bras are really, really tight and I don't know if I'll be able to find a bigger size in those. Oh well.

I'm still spotting off and on. I think sleeping on my stomach is causing some of the problem, so I'm experimenting with staying off my stomach and seeing if that helps. It's never too bad, but it's really scary to be going through your day all happy and then to go to the bathroom and have a heart-stopping moment when you wipe and there's something there that wasn't supposed to be. It reminds me a lot of thinking that a cycle had worked, and then going to the bathroom and finding out I had gotten my period and my whole day being ruined. I never thought that bathroom time would be so integral to whether or not my day goes well.

During the OB brief, the nurse said that one woman had taken eight HPTs to make really sure she was pregnant. I just sort of laughed and said that I've gone through a 50 pack. I still take one every now and then, just to make sure. I know if something were to happen at this point that I would still get a positive for a while, but I just have to see that those lines are still there. Eight tests, what a laugh.

Anyway, that's what's going on here. What's going on with you?

Socken und Graduierung oder socks and graduation

Sometime during my last two week wait, I was catching up on some blogs when I stumbled across this post by Cristy. It suggested a sock exchange. I signed up and Lou at Syringe Sisters was assigned to send socks to me, and I sent socks to babysocks2008. Last week, DH came home with a package from Lou. This is what was in it. (Except for the flowers. Those don't ship well from the States.) So cute! The card made me tear up and I have been wearing the socks around the house.

Today the long socks came with me on my last appointment with Herr Doktor. He checked everything out. I'm still spotting, but he said that's okay and just to come in if there's any problem before I get under OB care. The blob is 10.7 mm now.

I have officially graduated. I wish I had a mortarboard to throw! Now I  start jumping through the hoops with Tricare to start my OB care. These are hoops that I'm glad to be jumping through.

Alles klar oder all right

I called Herr Doktor's office yesterday at about three. The spotting had tapered off, but it was still there. At around seven in the evening, I got three or four sharp cramps on my left side, which is I'm pretty sure, where the implantation occurred. After that, I got some dark blood, but still not very much. I tried to stay as still as possible all night.

Herr Doktor is on vacation this week, so I saw Frau Doktor again. DH was able to come with me, even though the appointment was not at seven in the morning and he had to do some finagling with work. Anyway, once we got there, I promptly spilled his coffee all over the waiting room floor. Way to go me.

Right now, mostly fett.

We got shown in to Frau Doktor's office. She asked me what was up and I told her that I had been spotting since Wednesday. It was brown, and there wasn't much, but it was there and I had slight cramping. She went ahead and did an ultrasound after doing a swab to check for infection and looking to see if she could find where the bleeding was coming from.

No bleeding from the cervix, no intrauterine bleeding, and the cervix is still long and closed. What a relief.

And, we saw the heartbeat.

DH is beside himself. He's going to be gone for basically the next month, so this was the only chance he had to see the heartbeat before he left. He tried to get me to say the p word as we were leaving. I still can't quite do it. I can say, "Ich bin schwanger," but not the English version quite yet.

Frau Doktor thinks it's possibly an infection. She said to stop helping people move, to not do any sports, but to go ahead and be up and moving around. She prescribed more progesterone and magnesium, which apparently helps with cramping and will keep the uterus from contracting.

It's amazing to think that just last week, all there was was a gestational sac and this week, we can see a little blob floating in the sac and a heartbeat. She said that the growth rate is "perfect", 6.6mm, exactly the correct size for the gestational age.

DH is planning to call his family tonight and let them know. I should probably call my folks and tell my dad, since Mom has known for almost three weeks already.

So, I'm glad that I went in and had it checked, but relieved that everything is okay. DH wants to tell face.book, but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. The heartbeat is there, but I still have reservations. I'm trying to give in and fully attach, but it's difficult. Right now, though, I'm focusing on one thing. Alles klar.

Infertility has changed me.

I finally have that BFP but it hasn't really sunk in. I just stopped charting today. I still occasionally POAS, just to check. I'm nervous because I haven't had any nausea. The only symptoms I've had are sore, slowly enlarging, boobs and a slower run time.

DH and I went in on Thursday for another ultrasound. Herr Doktor wanted to make sure there wasn't an ectopic pregnancy going into the long weekend. (The Germans have a four day this weekend because of Easter.) I now have a gestational sac that measured 9.2 mm. My beta was 6269 on Thursday, so that's progressing okay. Even with all of that, I can't claim the P word. I can't say it out loud.

I had coffee with a friend yesterday who is 7 weeks along. She was talking about how long it took (10 months) and how she's sort of obsessed because she's still doing the POAS thing and has eight pregnancy tests still at home. I think I have about forty. But, the thing that really struck me is that she's still confident she's pregnant. She hasn't heard a heartbeat yet or even had an ultrasound, just positive blood and urine tests. But, she knows she's really pregnant. She is sure of that fact.

I, on the other hand, do not think of myself that way, and probably won't until there's a heartbeat. Right now, I have a gestational sac and I can manage to get BFPs on home tests. I still find myself looking enviously at strollers and little kids toddling around playgrounds. Swollen bellies still throw me off. Hearing someone else's good news still makes me feel that happy for them, sad for me, thing. I actually had to remind myself the other day not to have a beer with dinner. It's a surreal feeling, like I'm having a boring dream with an exciting background note.

Infertility has indeed changed me. I don't think I will be confident until I bring a healthy baby home.

And that's when the real worrying starts.

Beta #2 and ultrasound/Ultrawelle

Monday has finally arrived. I don't think I've ever looked so forward to a Monday. DH and I went in together for the latest appointment with Herr Doktor, since Herr Doktor's secretary said we would be doing an ultrasound. Which we did. But, there was nothing to see. I saw the uterus, and it looked pretty much like it always does. We did not see anything in there though. Herr Doktor thinks it's too early, but he said, "I am convinced there is a pregnancy," which did make me feel better. I need to find out how to say congratulations in German, because the woman who was in the office before me is graduating to an OB and she looked so happy, I just wanted to say something. I smiled instead.

Meanwhile, I have continued to POAS most mornings and am still getting BFPs. The lines are getting progressively darker, so I'm still hopeful. It was a bit of a letdown though, not to see anything in there. I'll get the results of the beta this afternoon. Based on my last one, I'm hoping for 1,500 or higher. I'm trying not to focus on getting through the next week, which is how long I think it will be before the next appointment, but getting through the next few hours. This is proving difficult.

A seven week deployment, huh?
Photo credit:
dramaqueenmoments.tumblr.com/bitchplease

I went to the bakery and got some quarkbällchen for breakfast. I think I'll work on the Rosetta Stone for a while. Then I'll watch some TV and do some sewing. I am sewing a pocket onto a baby carrier for someone in our church. I'm doing the sewing by hand because it's easier than fussing with the carrier in the sewing machine. This woman, by the way, is one who got pregnant while "not even trying", is suffering through the long seven weeks that her husband is gone, and offered to let me borrow a dress for the ball, and when I pointed out that we aren't the same size, she let me know she wore it while pregnant, so it would probably fit me. Yeah. I don't know why I'm doing this little job for her, but I can tell you, it's not because I want her to be my best friend.

Enough complaining about fertiles (for now). I'll post an update with the beta once I get it. Fingers crossed!

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Update: Beta 2426! Doubling time of 37.97 hours. I was hoping for anything over 1500, so I'm pretty stoked. Back to Herr Doktor on Thursday for another ultrasound.

Diese Woche schleppt oder this week is dragging!

Or your Monday realizing it's only Wednesday

A week is a long time to wait until the next beta.

I have continued to POAS every morning. This morning, the line was slightly lighter than yesterday's line, which was the darkest I've had so far from the cheapies. I went to the commissary yesterday and bought 6 dollar tests and did one of those too this morning. That one has a decent line, so that makes me feel a little better. I ordered more cheapies last week before the news and am waiting for those so that I can do more obsessive testing more cheaply.

Other than that, I'm a little nervous at my lack of symptoms. I know it's very early, but the only thing I've really got going on is sore boobs. I've had a tiny bit of nausea and have been grazing a lot to try and help that. Oh, and I'm pretty sure I've got the start of a yeast infection, which means that my hormones are out of whack and I'm eating yogurt. (I used to get a yeast infection every other month on Clomid.) Other than that, nothing's going on.

I've been having bad dreams about my temps dropping (I'm still temping), but they are still mostly up, although not climbing.

DH is gone for the week. I wish he were here to reassure me. We don't normally talk very much when he's gone, but I may call him tonight to see how he's doing.

I'm keeping busy sewing and helping out at the library, alternately thinking about what's going on and trying not to think about it at all. I'm terrified of losing this pregnancy. I'm not even thinking of myself as pregnant. I just can't yet. Until I hear a heartbeat I'm trying to protect myself. Even then, I'm not sure that it will feel real.

The one concession I've made to the news is to wear my cute, more expensive than the usual jeans more often. They are fairly tight and it's possible that I won't be able to wear them in a little while, so I'm trying to get my money's worth out of them.

Only 5 more days until my next beta, and it cannot come soon enough!

CD 31, 19 dp trigger

Frivol Freitag oder frivolous Friday: vacuuming

I have to vacuum soon. I don't like to vacuum, especially here.

I have a really nice vacuum. It's one of those Dyson, sucks up anything in sight, please God keep it away from your eyeballs or one might get sucked in, vacuums. It sucks up crap like nobody's business and has a self propeller function and it doesn't even have icky bags to change, just a plastic cylinder that all the dirt goes into and then I dump out once the suction will only get hairballs from 6 inches away instead of a full yard. It's a really good vacuum.

Plug adapters

The problem is that, as Americans who occasionally live in America, most of our appliances are 110 volt. In Europe, the voltage is 220. There are some things that you can just put a plug adapter onto, like lamps and electronics, if they are dual voltage, but everything else that has 110 voltage, you have to run through a transformer in order for it to actually work and not explode in a shower of sparks. My husband learned this lesson last time we were here after he ruined an alarm clock and the coffee pot. The clocks won't keep time anyway because of some other electrical mismatch between America and Europe, so they are kind of useless.

Transformer

Transformers are not cool robots from another planet that look like cars. They are actually boxes that you plug into the wall and then plug your American appliances into. The small ones aren't too terrible to use. The big ones are super-duper heavy and a pain to lug around. They are also really expensive. Typically a 300W transformer is about fifty bucks, while a 2000W is more like $200 if you buy it new. I, however, am a thrifty gal, so I bought mine from the thrift shop on post. The only problem with this is that the sockets in the transformer are really loose, so I have to wiggle the plug in the transformer's socket until the appliance comes on. Then, I have to be very careful to not jostle anything while I go about using my appliance. Sometimes this works, but more often, I have to go wiggle the plug several times while using the appliance on the transformer. This kind of made me feel sorry for DH the other day, as I think he sometimes faces a similar challenge with me.

A Guide to Vacuuming in the Sinking Household

• Get the vacuum from upstairs, then get the transformer from downstairs and bring them both to the main level. 
• Plug the transformer into the wall, and then the vacuum into the transformer. (You can see some interesting pyrotechnics if you plug the appliance into the transformer first, and then the transformer into the wall, but then you have another set of complications on your hands.) 
• Commence wiggling, making sure the vacuum is turned to the on position. Wiggle. Wiggle. Varooo...dead.
• Sigh. 
• Wiggle, wiggle. Varooooooooooo. Success! 
• Try not to bump anything and commence with the vacuuming. 
• Do not turn on the self propulsion because you are vacuuming expensive area rugs instead of boring old carpets. 
• Slowly drag the vacuum over the rug. 
• And back. Back and forth. 
• When the vacuum dies, go back to wiggling the plug. 
• Congratulations, you got two whole feet of the carpet clean and it's only been half an hour! 
• Take a break to check facebook. 
• Repeat for eternity or....
• Give up and continue the process of slowly destroying the rug by using the beater brushes/self propulsion. 
• The fringes of the carpet get stuck in the vacuum. Dammit! Jiggle the cord to stop the vacuum. 
• Curse the whole process, leave everything out in the living room to mock you while you have a cookie. 

photo credit:
thecupcakearchitect.blogspot.com

Now you have a step by step guide. Anyone who wants to come and vacuum will get a free cookie.

The journey to now, part one, oder Reise zum Teil jetzt zwei

If you didn't read the first part, you can find it here.

It was so frustrating....

On 11 May, we flew with our suitcases and our cats and, at least for me, without enthusiasm or patience. I didn't want to be back in Germany. I wanted to be close to home, to Mom and Dad, because I expected to be getting pregnant soon and wanted to be close enough for my parents to get to be grandparents.

We landed on 12 May. It was beautiful weather, and in some ways I relaxed a little bit. Our house in Colorado still hadn't sold, and we would have to establish ourselves in this new community, but at least we were here and could begin the process. On the way from the airport to the new base, I could hear Shadow yowling from the luggage compartment under the bus. Poor thing.

Imagine this, but smaller with less chairs.

When you get to a new place with the military, they put you in a hotel until you can find housing. In our room, there was a bed, a desk, a dresser, and one chair. It was DH and I and the two cats in that room for a month. The cats don't get along that well, so we ended up putting the luggage rack in one corner with a suitcase on top so that Shadow could sleep on there and Moo could sleep on the bed with us.

We went about getting settled. When you move overseas, there are a lot of things to do to establish normal life in your new location. There are driver's licenses, some basic language classes, finding a home, getting put into the medical system at the new MTF. Lots to do. We moved into our house (the only one that we had been able to look at) in the middle of June. At the end of June, I finally got in to see the OB/GYN on post. This was the next step in the referral process.

This doctor seemed nice enough, but he was dismissive of what I had been doing to try to help things along. We hadn't been trying quite a year at that point, so he seemed hesitant to work with us, but since I had been diagnosed with PCOS he deigned to give us his expertise. I'll call him Dr. Insensitive.

Dr. Insensitive told me to stop charting, that that didn't do anything anyway. He didn't seem to like that I was on Metformin, but refilled the prescription since I had already been taking it for six months. He prescribed Clomid at 50 mg, told me to get a blood test on CD 21, and we would go from there. He was very sure that I would be able to get pregnant, no problem.

Clomid, the crazy maker

I didn't stop charting, mostly because it's one of the very few things that makes me feel like I have some control over this process. Round one of Clomid was determined to be non-ovulatory by blood test. I was given another round at 50 mg. Same result. The next round was 100 mg, and that was determined to be a proper dosage, due to the bloodwork. That was August. I did another 100 mg cycle in September during which I know that I ovulated late, but Dr. Insensitive had stopped ordering blood tests since one came back positive at 100 mg.

Early September of 2011, my mom had had surgery on her stomach to repair some lingering problems from childhood. The surgery didn't go well and she had another one three weeks later. After I heard about the second surgery being scheduled, I went ahead and got a ticket back home. I left in early October and returned in early November. Those cycles I did not take Clomid; October, because DH stayed in Germany and November because I didn't have access to the medication early enough in my cycle.

In December, I called Dr. Insensitive's office. I hadn't seen him since June and I wanted to have a change in prescription or blood work done to verify ovulation (or lack thereof) or something to move this process along. The receptionist went ahead and scheduled an appointment with the doctor for the week after Christmas. At this point, I felt so discouraged and broken down. We had passed the year mark and the officially infertile status rang loudly in my head.

At our appointment, Dr. Insensitive was, well, insensitive. I told him that the Clomid wasn't working, that I wasn't ovulating. He said that the blood work proved otherwise. I tried to show him my charts and he told me that those were useless and that I really shouldn't bother with them. He asked if I wanted to keep going on Clomid. I said no, but I wouldn't mind trying Femara. He harrumphed at that, and told me to go get an HSG done, and after that, he would put in the referral. His parting words were, "Maybe you won't even need the referral. You could be pregnant by then." His false confidence made me break down. I needed some real hope, not placating words.

DH and I went over to the lab. They used to do HSGs, but didn't any longer because the community that we are in is in the process of shutting down. I had to go to Landstuhl, the big military hospital over here, to get the HSG done. I called them and they said that I should call on CD 1 of my next cycle to schedule the HSG. I was on CD 3, but it couldn't be scheduled for that cycle due to New Year's being in just a couple of days. I had to wait out another cycle.

February came around, and with it, the chance to do the HSG. I called the lab and scheduled the test. I had to get a blood test done for pregnancy beforehand, which is kind of crappy. Dr. Insensitive had put the order in wrong, but the people at Landstuhl were able to work it out. (I got a call the next week, asking if I was going to be in the next day for my HSG. Dr. Insensitive was apparently having some major problems with getting the orders in correctly.)

Ouch

The HSG was painful. I wouldn't call it excruciating, but I would rather not to have to do it again. I had been researching HSGs as soon as I heard about them, so I pretty much knew what was going to happen. There were four people in the room, six including DH and I. I have gotten to the point that I really don't care who is doing or seeing things, if it's going to help get me pregnant. One tube had some adhesions, but the radiology doc managed to get it to open up and the dye spilled through on both sides. I was uncomfortable for about half an hour afterwards and took it easy for the rest of the day, but was fully recovered very shortly.

After the HSG was done, I called and got the ball rolling on getting the referral the rest of the way through. At the end of February, I finally had my referral in hand. I saw Herr Doktor for the first time on February 27th, 2012.

It's been a long road getting here. I've learned that I need to be my own advocate, that no one else is going to push things as much as I will. I've learned that research can be my best friend. Knowing what the next step typically is is very helpful for me. I can anticipate what is coming next and ask about the next step if the doctor doesn't mention it. I've learned that you have to know the system to be able to use it. Checking and double checking is okay.

Through all of this, I have tried to hold on to hope. Hope is the most elusive, slippery, crazy thing that I've found on this journey. The ups and downs of each cycle and the hope that keeps me going despite so much heartbreak. I hope to get pregnant. I hope to have a healthy baby. I hope to be a mother.

CD 22, 9 dp trigger

Schönes Wochenende or have a nice weekend!

Normally the Army has something called "family time". It is supposed to be one day a week when soldiers get off of work a couple of hours early and they are supposed to go home and spend time with their families. I don't know how well this has worked for other people, but DH has never been in a job where he gets any family time. He always ends up working until the normal end of work day or later.

Now, whatever general is in charge of DH's work has decided on a different policy. This general has done away with family time in favor of giving everyone a four day weekend once a month. I think this is a much better way to do it.

So, tomorrow DH and I are headed out for the weekend. We'll be back on Monday. I'll post again when I get back.

Schönes Wochenende everyone!

CD 19, 6 dp trigger

Dankbar Donnerstag: Aus Heizöl!

Aren't they pretty?

Spring has slowly been approaching us here in Germany. Crocuses are blooming and the tulip leaves are up. There are a couple of trees in our yard that are just starting to flower. So, I've been turning the heat down bit by bit in the house. I like it cold. DH likes it warmer. (I blame it on his skinniness.)

It was fairly cool this morning, enough so that it work both DH and I up this morning. I got up at five, and he followed about forty-five minutes later. DH was complaining about being cold and said he was going to turn up the heat. Fine.

He turned up the heat and then tried to take a shower. The water never got warm. So, we went down to check the furnace.

German homes are heated a variety of ways. Some places have natural gas, like a lot of places in the States. Some places have electric heat. Our place, like some others, uses heating oil. It's great when you have it, but once you are out, you're out. This morning, turning the radiators up didn't work because we were out of oil. I measured the oil a few weeks back (our gauge is broken), and we still had some, but apparently with the cold spell last month, we went through the remaining faster than expected.

It was chilly this morning!

We haven't filled the oil yet, so we didn't know where to go to get more. We knew there was somewhere close, but weren't sure where. The only place we could find a website for in our town didn't have a local number listed. So, we finally drove over there. They were able to schedule delivery for between ten and eleven. We had to pay in cash, but thankfully we had that much in our bank account and it was just a matter of calling our bank and extended the ATM withdrawal limit for the day.

I left (I had a once a month meeting that I really wanted to go to.) and DH stayed home to wait. When I got back here at about two this afternoon, he was still here. The "between ten and eleven" delivery showed up at one thirty. It's annoying, but that happens all the time in the States too.


So, today what I am thankful for is that my husband and I can work together to solve problems that come up. I am also thankful that DH is understanding that I want to have a life and is willing to miss work to fill in when I can't. Along those lines, I'm thankful that his job right now is flexible enough for him to do this. And I'm thankful that we can call our bank and they will work with us right away.

CD 18, 5 dp trigger
------------

I put a link in for our bank, because they have been great to us. USAA is a bank that is for military members and their families. If a relative of yours has served in the military, or if you have served, it's worth taking a look at what they have to offer. They have always been great at working with us. I highly recommend them.

Mein Fehler oder my mistake

I've been back in Germany since last May and have been trying to make friends. It's hard though, with all of the fertility stuff and not sharing that with people. It's a big part of my life right now and it's difficult to open up enough to someone to start a friendly relationship while keeping a huge part of my life under wraps.

I've been trying to schedule stuff to do during this 2WW. Tomorrow I am going to a quilt guild meeting. I invited someone that I barely know, but am friendly with, to come with me. We have to leave at around 8 am to get there in time because it's a bit of a long drive. She and I were chatting back and forth last night about it, but neither of us mentioned exactly when this would happen. This morning I got a message from her saying that taking a shower had exhausted her. I thought this was weird and didn't respond. About an hour later, I went back to fb and saw that she had thought today was the day of the meeting. I thought that was weird, so went back and looked at our conversation. Sure enough, I had put that the meeting was Wednesday instead of Thursday. I feel terrible! I contacted her as soon as I noticed and apologized. We'll see if she decides to come tomorrow or not. I hope I haven't blown it.

Yes, yes it is.

It's so easy to get so caught up in what is going on with me that the rest of the world takes a back seat. I'm so concentrated on injections and timing and how exactly to take progesterone and being angry at my thermometer that I forget that there are seven billion other people on the planet that have concerns and struggles and feelings that have nothing to do with my fertility. I'm going try to take this incident as a reminder and be more aware of and sensitive to others.

Or at least, make sure I have my own shit together.

CD 17, 4 dp trigger

Leben einer Hausfrau oder life of a housewife

I am making this exact face
right now.

Yesterday, I started losing my mind a bit. I called and scheduled a pregnancy test with the doctor for the 26th. It was that or the 23rd, and I have a ball (ugh, balls) that my husband is dragging me to that night. And the next day, I have a class an hour away. So, I thought that the next Monday would be better since they do their testing at 7 a.m. Of course, as soon as I hung up the phone, I started second guessing myself. I was thinking myself down all of these alleyways and back roads of my mind that didn't even need to be considered. So, I went and did something productive.

I don't know if you can tell, but I don't work. Well, you know, it's that old saw that I work, but I don't get paid for it. Whatever. I don't work. I volunteer a few hours a week at the library and I try to keep my house reasonably clean and I cook dinner. The library has been good because I kept thinking about getting a job, but didn't want to because I was worried I would get pregnant right away and then want to quit. Plus, after a couple of hours there, I really have "worked" enough.  A friend of mine keeps bugging me about going to school and getting my bachelor's, but I haven't wanted to start that because of the possibility of pregnancy on the horizon and also because it costs a fair amount of money and I don't see using a degree. Because I don't work.

Imagine this, but without makeup.
Not a pretty picture.

I have worked in the past. Not very much though, I'll be honest. I worked when we first got married for a while. I can't remember how long. Maybe six months? It was as a hostess at a pie restaurant. The pay and the hours were crap, but I got a discount on pie. (Come to think of it, maybe that's part of the reason I started packing on the pounds after getting married.) After a couple of moves, I got fed up with being home and got a job in August of 2005 and kept it until the next April. That one was as a cafeteria lady. I got to wear a hairnet and everything. The height of glamour. Eventually, I quit because DH was deploying and I wanted to travel with him before he left. Then I had a job filling in as church secretary for a month. The only thing that did was manage to royally screw up our taxes, the consequences of which I was still dealing with five years later.

After another couple of moves, I was in eastern Washington. I got a job while I was there, at a quilt shop, for all of fifteen months. I loved that job and would have stayed forever if I could have, but in September of 2008, DH came back from his latest deployment and we went to Colorado. While in Colorado I had an unsuccessful business out of the house. Just when I had started building a decent client base, we got the orders that we were coming back to Germany.

I am a little jealous of women that have jobs. I see DH's coworkers and they seem so successful and happy with what they do. I read blogs of women that are working and it seems glamorous somehow. As though they are living in a fast-paced world where they are up against challenges daily and always overcome. They are important and needed. It makes my life seem small.

This is what I look like most days.
 Especially the high heels and apron.

On the other hand, I like to be able to travel whenever I want. I don't enjoy being overly busy. I like cooking dinner and being able to spend the day going for a run in the middle of the afternoon or sewing for a couple of hours or reading. I feel like I have a small life, but for the most part, it's a good life. And at some point, I will add mothering to my hausfrau duties. This is a cliché, but I believe that raising children is the most important work that a person can do. 


Plus, I still don't have to change out of my pj's. 


CD 16, 3 dp trigger

Gehen in die Sauna oder going to the sauna

I've always liked saunas. You sit there in a hot room and let the warm air surround you. You breathe deeply. You feel your pores open up and your muscles relax. It's wonderful.

http://saunascape.com/2009/03/how-to-take-a-german-sauna/
The official instructions on how to use a sauna

Saunas are popular in Germany. I can't say how popular, because I can't speak German to ask, but there sure are a lot of people every time we go. When we go to the sauna we pack a lunch and bring a book because it is a several hour or all day affair. I think the longest we've spent in one day is ten hours.

The biggest difference between German saunas and American saunas is the clothing. Or, lack thereof, in Germany's case. Germans don't seem to care about nudity very much. I've mentioned that there is no drape at the doctor's office and he doesn't leave the room while I undress. Boobs are pretty much fair game for public viewing. If you ever go to see a show with dancing girls, they will probably show you the full moon. Nudity is just not a big deal.

The place that we go has a couple of swimming pools and thermal baths with special salt in them and those areas are not nude. Well, at least not most of the time. A couple of days a week during certain hours everything is nude.

But, if you think that you will escape the public nudity by skipping the sauna, you are mistaken. The thing that was the most surprising to me is that the changing room is co-ed naked. So, be prepared to get comfortable with your nude body, and with seeing others in their all-together.

Just make sure you bring a towel to sit on.

Once you get into the FKK area (also known as naked town. At least by me.), you start to not worry that much. Everyone is naked. Most people don't look as good naked as you do, or think you do. It's all just the same. I've gotten to the point that I feel uncomfortable seeing people in bathing suits in naked town. It is hilarious when you see someone trying to stand out while naked. One visit I saw one woman with gold, heeled sandals and another woman with a chain around her waist that attached to her naval piercing. Most people just don't give a rip though.

If you ever get a chance to come to Germany and try out a sauna, I highly recommend it. It is a very relaxing way to spend a day. And if you are near Mannheim this is a great place to go.


Here's another blog's post about saunas that's pretty informative.


CD 14 One day past trigger.

Maowigge is what bwings us togevver today

Today is DH's and my eleventh anniversary. Wow, eleven years. That is a long time. It's over a third of my life. We've been through been through six moves, four deployments and sixteen months of TTC. We've been really, really broke and less broke. We have supported each other through struggles; through moves and deployments and family relationships and just life. I like to think that we have followed our vows of for better or worse.

DH and I have a pretty good marriage. It's not perfect, but no one's is. We get along and enjoy each other's company. He's been really supportive of all this fertility nonsense. When I get really sad and tell him that I don't want him to miss out on being a dad because of me, he just reassures me that he loves me and that he'd rather spend the rest of his life with just me, than find someone else who can make babies.

He's been doing this thing for the last several days where every morning I find a card counting down to our anniversary. A couple weeks ago I was complaining that the BX didn't have any good cards because they don't have Hallmark any more. He took this as a challenge. So he's taking birthday cards and modifying them to be anniversary cards. It's so cute. Speaking of cute things, lately he's been calling me "sleepykins" when I'm tired. I love this. I think it's adorable and wish I knew how to tell him so.

We are going out to dinner at Die Kartoffel (The Potato) in Ladenburg. (Click on the Speisekarte if you go to the website.) Their main draw is steak (Mmmmmm.....steak), which you cook on super hot stone slabs.  That way your steak is cooked exactly how you like it. It's a bit pricey, but amazing. And it's one of the few places that you can get a baked potato around here. It's looking to be a fun night out. One thing I know for sure is that I will have good company.

Happy anniversary, DH! I love you so much and am glad every day that I married you.

CD 13 Trigger today.