Today Bee is one year old. It's been a year that's gone much to slow and much too fast. They say "The days are long, but the years are short," and oh, how true it is.
Bee is walking, signing, drinking out of a cup on her own, putting her pajamas in the laundry basket (and then taking them back out). When you compare her to the baby of a year ago it's hard to believe how much she's changed.
She's still waking up once a night. She is occasionally very clingy and annoying. But, mostly she's a lot of fun to be around. I am so glad to have her. So thankful.
DH and I are discussing trying for another one, but we have decided that we won't go the ART route. Whatever happens, happens. For now we are using birth control because I don't want two under two. Maybe April or so we'll pull the goalie.
Until then I hug my girl to me and tell her everyday that I love her. She has changed our lives and I am so glad to have her.
I meant to post this on Mother's Day, but got distracted. Oh, well.
-----------------
Little Bee has been around almost five months now. She's rolling over (both ways) and is working on sitting up. It's amazing how much she's changed in such a short time. She's been sleeping through the night (eleven to twelve hours) for about three weeks. It's amazing.
Spring has been cloudy here in Germany, but we're finally seeing some warmer weather. The ice cream shop and the restaurant across the square both have tables outside. DH and I have had ice cream once Bee is asleep for the night once or twice. Last week, there was Schlemmerwoche in my town and all the wine sellers in town had little restaurants. One evening, DH and I went to one that was within range of the baby monitor after Bee was down. The move in January was hard, but this place is great.
Sunday is Mother's Day and I can't really believe that I get to be part of this for the first time. Now that things are getting better, I am enjoying being a mother and getting to experience things that I had hoped for and dreamed of while I was trying to get pregnant. Smiles, coos, occasional laughter. Snuggles and kisses. All those wonderful things. Today I had to remind myself that sometimes when people do not smile, they might have another reason for it. I had my fair share of time scowling at women with babies.
Life is lots different, but in some ways still the same. It's still not perfect, but there are moments that make everyday great.
Happy Mother's Day! To those that are mothers now and those that are still on their way to motherhood.
It's hard to read, but her jammies say "kleine Nacht-Eule",
little night owl.
For weeks, months, people kept telling me that this whole parent thing would get better. It was to the point that I told my husband that the next person that told me that I was going to sock them in the mouth. I was so sick of hearing it. But, you know what? It's true.
I don't know if it's just that I'm getting better at being a parent, or if Bee is getting better at being alive, but it seems like in the past couple of weeks, we have turned a corner. We've been doing a nighttime routine for several weeks now, but in the past couple of weeks we've (I've) started a nap time routine and I am now getting some time to myself back. Bee is starting to laugh on a regular basis, which is awesome. The weather is getting better. It is getting better. This is the kind of stuff I imagined when I thought about being a mom.
I didn't imagine my husband going out of town for a week and me immediately coming down with a fever and then (ahem) unpleasant intestinal issues. Not fun, but I survived.
Also, I've been doing the cry it out. Don't judge me! It works for me. If something else works for you, more power to you. I needed to get some time to myself during the day and a longer stretch of sleep at night and not be getting up at 12 and 4 am to socialize and again at 6 am for the day. That isn't happening (regularly) anymore.
The weather is still cold, but it's warmer and I occasionally see sunshine. The ice cream shop across the market square has its tables and chairs out for the season. I'm getting out about once a week to see other moms. Life is good. And it's getting better.
So, now I have an eight week old. It's nearly impossible to believe sometimes. There are moments when I almost forget she is here. I also am having a hard time realizing that a little more than eight weeks ago, I was hugely pregnant. I look at the pictures, and it seems like a dream. I understand why people say you forget these things and that's why you do it again.
I'm still having a hard time accepting that the c-section was the right decision. In my head, I know it's true, but my heart tells me different. I'm still physically hurting from it and still bleeding. DH and I did the PODO a couple of times before six weeks postpartum and it was excruciating. When I went to see Dr. H for my 6 week postpartum checkup, he said that we should wait some more, but that the pain was normal. It sucks.
Dr. H also said that I should not get pregnant again within a year of Bee's birth and c-section. That was hard to hear. I don't know that I even want another baby because Bee is challenging (thus why I haven't been doing blog posts), but to hear that I can't even try...it broke my heart a little. After trying so hard to get Bee, it would be nice to be able to "just" get pregnant if there is another one. Not having the option for at least a year feels lousy. It's another way the c-section robbed me of something.
Other than that, life is starting to get easier. We moved when Bee was 3 weeks old, which I would not recommend. It was very cold out, but I was outside nursing Bee in my Moby (yay for hands-free nursing!), directing the movers while DH was in the apartment putting things together while we had the movers' help because I was not able to lift heavy things. We are all unpacked as of a week or so ago. Eleven years in the Army make for organized people. Once everything got unpacked, I started to feel better.
I also gave up on trying to get Bee on a schedule. I had read all of these books about how to get your baby to be on a schedule from the beginning and really wanted to try it, despite multiple people telling me that it would take some time. My moment of clarity came when I had been trying to get Bee down for a nap for about 2 hours, and then it was eating time, so I was trying to feed her and she was falling asleep and I was trying to get her to wake up. It just clicked that that made no sense whatsoever. So, since then I've been trying to go with the flow. Some days it works better than others. I'm hoping that as Bee gets a little older, I'll be able to coax her on to a flexible schedule and not be subject to her dictatorial whims.
It's still really hard, and there are very few moments of reward, but occasionally she gives a little love back.
I've been keeping up with the blogs of others who are still in the trenches. I've been refraining from commenting, "Don't do it! It's a trap! Save yourself before you DO get pregnant and it's too late!", but just by a hair. I remember being there not that long ago and anyone who would've told me that would've been on my shit list.
But, it's been rough. Bee seems to be a mostly angry baby. There have been many several hour stretches of crying (hers and mine) and desperation to get her to sleep and get her on some kind of a schedule. Yesterday was a glimpse though of what life might be like if we can understand her better. She slept eight hours through the night and then took two or three naps during the day. In between she was alert and interactive. She seemed to even enjoy life. Last night though, DH thought she was hungry at about two, when he heard her making noises. I hadn't heard her, but I figured I was just tired and so got up and tried to feed her. After 50 minutes of bobbing on and off, we figured she was still tired and had just been making those noises babies do in her sleep. We took turns until I got up with her for the day about seven this morning. She slept a little during that time, but not much. It was a long, long night.
Also, we are moving this week. The Army, in all it's wisdom, has decided that we need to move about an hour away because DH's job is moving to a new location. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad it's only up the autobahn a ways, but it still involves having everything packed up and unpacked and sleeping on the floor and no dishes to cook with and all the other things involved in moving. The Army is dictating this move, so they will be packing us, but there's still lots to do, and it's really hard to do things with a screaming newborn in your arms.
By this time next week, all of our stuff should be in the new place. Bee will be four weeks old and hopefully we can start settling into a routine. Maybe there will even be some sleep between now and then, for all of us.
