25 Woche und Zählen oder 25 Weeks and Counting

Last Monday was my 24 week appointment. I got to do the glucose screen, which I have been dreading since the beginning. It was an eight hour fast before hand and then a one hour test. I had planned to walk around during the hour, but didn't get a chance because I saw Herr Doktor during the wait and it was super busy, so there was lots of waiting.

Mine was actually Johannisbeere
flavor, which I'm told is better.

When I went in the nurse asked me if I had had nothing to eat or drink in eight hours. I told her I had had some water. She looked very alarmed and asked me if I had had a lot of water. I think I had about 8 ounces. I told her no because I am not going to have to do this test again if I have anything to say about it. Then she weighed me. I told her just before she did that I've not been gaining weight. When she put me on the scale I had dropped 600 grams (a little over a pound) since the last appointment. She looked really alarmed at this and asked me if I have been eating, to which I responded, "Yes!" 

Herr Doktor listened for the spawnette's heartbeat, which was 150. It was funny because at one point he said, "A kick," and he didn't need to tell me. I had that one figured out. Then he checked my cervix, which looked good, and because I had been itchy, did a swab which came back as a yeast infection. Yay. All in all though, it went well.

My house guest is gone for a week to the States. She returns on Thursday. I've actually been really thankful she's not here because it is hot as balls and most of the time I'm just sitting around with underwear on and nothing else. Thank God I bought a one-room air conditioner, or I would not be getting any sleep at all. I've been enjoying the time to myself and spending lots of time sewing, which I haven't done in ages and used to do all of the time. I think it was something I needed to work back to. I'm also watching really bad TV, which I am always embarrassed to do when someone else is around.

Oh, and another thing about sitting around nearly naked is that I discovered my boobs are leaking. Clear fluid mostly, but sometimes it's orangish. I guess this is the beginnings of colostrum. I'm glad things are working, but it's pretty disconcerting!

Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be better and I am hoping the forecast isn't lying this time. It has been in the nineties since Friday, and with no A/C, it's a killer. DH and I spent the weekend lying around watching TV on our laptops because turning on the big TV creates too much heat. And we've been eating microwave meals because it's too hot to even think of turning on the stove. I think I have been gaining weight this week from all of the crap I'm eating.

So, that's a little update on what's going on here. Congratulations to Tracy at Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen on her long awaited BFP! Here's wishing her a safe and healthy pregnancy.

Striving for contentment

In March I signed up for one of Cristy's fertility sock exchanges. I was in the midst of my first cycle with injectables. Cristy sets it up so that instead of giving and receiving socks with the same person, it's more of a chain where you receive from one person and give to another. Before I got my socks or had a chance to send mine out, I got my BFP and went on to have a positive beta the next week. Since that happened, one of my sock buddies has gotten pregnant and is in her second trimester with twins. The other has had an IUI that didn't result in pregnancy.

I've been reading lots of fertility blogs during my journey and many of the people that were TTCing when I started reading have gone on to get pregnant and are on the road to have healthy babies or already have their healthy baby. There are still several though who have not managed this, despite all of their best efforts and medical technology and hope and prayer. My sock buddy who has not conceived told me that she was self-isolating and trying to come to terms with what life has dealt her. I got the impression that it was, "Thanks for checking in, but it's too painful for me to talk to you and I need time to heal."

As I sit here, feeling the kicks of my daughter for the last hour or so, my heart breaks once again for those who have not been able to complete their journey to motherhood. (Not that my journey is over, mind you.) I want to be able to say to those people that they are not left behind in my mind. They are not less. They are still working through their journey to parenthood, or are working on making peace with being childless. They are still in my heart. I want to reach out and give comfort or a shoulder to cry on. I don't know how though. When I was still going through it, my mom would say to me that she knew I would have a baby. I know she was trying to comfort me, but I just wanted to lash out and say, "And what if I don't?! Don't tell me that everything will be alright when you don't know if that will happen. You can't guarantee that!"

Infertility has changed me and there are things that I don't think I'll ever take for granted. And I hope that if I meet someone, in person or online, who is struggling, that I will be able to say something besides, "Everything will be okay." Because sometimes, everything isn't okay. Sometimes life is really hard and things suck. Life is not fair. I think we all know this

But, I do believe that every person can get to a point where they are content with their life as it is, at least for a moment. And I hope that my interactions with others will be part of what makes a life of contentment, even if only for a moment. That's one good thing that has come out of my struggle with infertility.

Erste OB Besuch und tiefe Gedanken oder first OB visit and deep thoughts

Today was my first visit with the OB, Dr. H. I went in and the receptionist/nurse asked me if I could urinate. Um, yes, yes I can. In fact I was about to ask you where the bathroom is. Then I sat in the waiting room which had English magazines! This was such a luxury. I brought some hand sewing with me, but promptly lost the needle so I needed the magazines.

I was shown into Dr. H's office and asked questions by the nurse. Had my cycles been regular? No. Am I on any medications? Still on Metformin. Was I still spotting? No, that stopped last week.

Then Dr. H came in. We discussed my history with Herr Doktor. I told him I wanted to stay on the Metformin if possible. He said that I could stay on it for a few more weeks, and then I need to go off. I said okay. I'm thinking if I start splitting pills so I can wean down, it might be okay. I asked if I could go to the sauna. He said that after the first trimester it's okay as long as I don't spend too long in there and I feel okay. Cool.

Then we went into the exam room. Dr. H works with lots of American patients, so they have more of a drape. Since he handed it to me, I went ahead and used it. And, with Herr Doktor it was just me and him in the exam room. Dr H's nurse came in too. He did a pap and then it was time for my date with Wanda. This time when the uterus was on the screen it was a lot easier to see the blob. Not much searching around for it. It is about the shape you would expect from a nine weeks pregnant picture online. Measuring nine weeks exactly. Heartbeat 161. I got to hear the heartbeat this time and I could really see it on the ultrasound clearly, whereas last time Frau Doktor was having to point it out to me. The he checked my ovaries and they looked good. They weren't all covered in cysts, which is good news.

Then I got dressed and the nurse and I went into another room for the blood draw. Now, I have been dreading this because I don't like doing blood draws and everyone talks about how much blood they take from you. She  was very good and I hardly felt the poke, but I jumped anyway because I'm wimpy. Then she took four vials of blood. Two big and two little. Not so bad! The way people have been talking, I thought it would be a pint!

The nurse and I went over to the desk and I made my next appointment for May 21st. DH will be able to come to that one (he's out of town on an exercise) and so it will be his first time hearing the heartbeat and it will have changed a lot in the almost six weeks since he'll have seen it. We might even be able to see it moving on the screen. That would be pretty cool.

Ok, deep thoughts time.

As far as all this pregnancy stuff goes, I'm doing okay, but I have to say I feel a little disconnected. I'm still on guard, worried about something happening. It feels surreal. The only thing that's really assuring me that it is real is the morning sickness that lasts all day and being tired all of the time. But even that's not that bad. I was tired all of the time like this on birth control. I'm grateful and so thankful but most of the time it doesn't even feel real. I'm just wondering when I will start feeling feelings for this blob. I know DH is going to want to talk about names soon. If it were up to me, I would wait until viability, but I know that that is really a bit kooky.

I'm just trying to wrap my head and heart around this. Some women say they loved their baby from the time that they knew they were pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to be pregnant and I am looking forward to meeting this blob when it's a baby, but I can't say that I feel love like I thought I would. I feel terrible even putting that into words, like it's a betrayal of everything I've gone through and infertility itself. I hope I start feeling more connected in the weeks and months to come. If I don't, what will I do? And how can I justify all of the things that I've been through to get me to this point if I don't feel the right feelings? Deep thoughts to ponder.

Socken und Graduierung oder socks and graduation

Sometime during my last two week wait, I was catching up on some blogs when I stumbled across this post by Cristy. It suggested a sock exchange. I signed up and Lou at Syringe Sisters was assigned to send socks to me, and I sent socks to babysocks2008. Last week, DH came home with a package from Lou. This is what was in it. (Except for the flowers. Those don't ship well from the States.) So cute! The card made me tear up and I have been wearing the socks around the house.

Today the long socks came with me on my last appointment with Herr Doktor. He checked everything out. I'm still spotting, but he said that's okay and just to come in if there's any problem before I get under OB care. The blob is 10.7 mm now.

I have officially graduated. I wish I had a mortarboard to throw! Now I  start jumping through the hoops with Tricare to start my OB care. These are hoops that I'm glad to be jumping through.

Infertility has changed me.

I finally have that BFP but it hasn't really sunk in. I just stopped charting today. I still occasionally POAS, just to check. I'm nervous because I haven't had any nausea. The only symptoms I've had are sore, slowly enlarging, boobs and a slower run time.

DH and I went in on Thursday for another ultrasound. Herr Doktor wanted to make sure there wasn't an ectopic pregnancy going into the long weekend. (The Germans have a four day this weekend because of Easter.) I now have a gestational sac that measured 9.2 mm. My beta was 6269 on Thursday, so that's progressing okay. Even with all of that, I can't claim the P word. I can't say it out loud.

I had coffee with a friend yesterday who is 7 weeks along. She was talking about how long it took (10 months) and how she's sort of obsessed because she's still doing the POAS thing and has eight pregnancy tests still at home. I think I have about forty. But, the thing that really struck me is that she's still confident she's pregnant. She hasn't heard a heartbeat yet or even had an ultrasound, just positive blood and urine tests. But, she knows she's really pregnant. She is sure of that fact.

I, on the other hand, do not think of myself that way, and probably won't until there's a heartbeat. Right now, I have a gestational sac and I can manage to get BFPs on home tests. I still find myself looking enviously at strollers and little kids toddling around playgrounds. Swollen bellies still throw me off. Hearing someone else's good news still makes me feel that happy for them, sad for me, thing. I actually had to remind myself the other day not to have a beer with dinner. It's a surreal feeling, like I'm having a boring dream with an exciting background note.

Infertility has indeed changed me. I don't think I will be confident until I bring a healthy baby home.

And that's when the real worrying starts.

Beta #2 and ultrasound/Ultrawelle

Monday has finally arrived. I don't think I've ever looked so forward to a Monday. DH and I went in together for the latest appointment with Herr Doktor, since Herr Doktor's secretary said we would be doing an ultrasound. Which we did. But, there was nothing to see. I saw the uterus, and it looked pretty much like it always does. We did not see anything in there though. Herr Doktor thinks it's too early, but he said, "I am convinced there is a pregnancy," which did make me feel better. I need to find out how to say congratulations in German, because the woman who was in the office before me is graduating to an OB and she looked so happy, I just wanted to say something. I smiled instead.

Meanwhile, I have continued to POAS most mornings and am still getting BFPs. The lines are getting progressively darker, so I'm still hopeful. It was a bit of a letdown though, not to see anything in there. I'll get the results of the beta this afternoon. Based on my last one, I'm hoping for 1,500 or higher. I'm trying not to focus on getting through the next week, which is how long I think it will be before the next appointment, but getting through the next few hours. This is proving difficult.

A seven week deployment, huh?
Photo credit:
dramaqueenmoments.tumblr.com/bitchplease

I went to the bakery and got some quarkbällchen for breakfast. I think I'll work on the Rosetta Stone for a while. Then I'll watch some TV and do some sewing. I am sewing a pocket onto a baby carrier for someone in our church. I'm doing the sewing by hand because it's easier than fussing with the carrier in the sewing machine. This woman, by the way, is one who got pregnant while "not even trying", is suffering through the long seven weeks that her husband is gone, and offered to let me borrow a dress for the ball, and when I pointed out that we aren't the same size, she let me know she wore it while pregnant, so it would probably fit me. Yeah. I don't know why I'm doing this little job for her, but I can tell you, it's not because I want her to be my best friend.

Enough complaining about fertiles (for now). I'll post an update with the beta once I get it. Fingers crossed!

------------

Update: Beta 2426! Doubling time of 37.97 hours. I was hoping for anything over 1500, so I'm pretty stoked. Back to Herr Doktor on Thursday for another ultrasound.

The journey to now, part one, oder Reise zum Teil jetzt zwei

If you didn't read the first part, you can find it here.

It was so frustrating....

On 11 May, we flew with our suitcases and our cats and, at least for me, without enthusiasm or patience. I didn't want to be back in Germany. I wanted to be close to home, to Mom and Dad, because I expected to be getting pregnant soon and wanted to be close enough for my parents to get to be grandparents.

We landed on 12 May. It was beautiful weather, and in some ways I relaxed a little bit. Our house in Colorado still hadn't sold, and we would have to establish ourselves in this new community, but at least we were here and could begin the process. On the way from the airport to the new base, I could hear Shadow yowling from the luggage compartment under the bus. Poor thing.

Imagine this, but smaller with less chairs.

When you get to a new place with the military, they put you in a hotel until you can find housing. In our room, there was a bed, a desk, a dresser, and one chair. It was DH and I and the two cats in that room for a month. The cats don't get along that well, so we ended up putting the luggage rack in one corner with a suitcase on top so that Shadow could sleep on there and Moo could sleep on the bed with us.

We went about getting settled. When you move overseas, there are a lot of things to do to establish normal life in your new location. There are driver's licenses, some basic language classes, finding a home, getting put into the medical system at the new MTF. Lots to do. We moved into our house (the only one that we had been able to look at) in the middle of June. At the end of June, I finally got in to see the OB/GYN on post. This was the next step in the referral process.

This doctor seemed nice enough, but he was dismissive of what I had been doing to try to help things along. We hadn't been trying quite a year at that point, so he seemed hesitant to work with us, but since I had been diagnosed with PCOS he deigned to give us his expertise. I'll call him Dr. Insensitive.

Dr. Insensitive told me to stop charting, that that didn't do anything anyway. He didn't seem to like that I was on Metformin, but refilled the prescription since I had already been taking it for six months. He prescribed Clomid at 50 mg, told me to get a blood test on CD 21, and we would go from there. He was very sure that I would be able to get pregnant, no problem.

Clomid, the crazy maker

I didn't stop charting, mostly because it's one of the very few things that makes me feel like I have some control over this process. Round one of Clomid was determined to be non-ovulatory by blood test. I was given another round at 50 mg. Same result. The next round was 100 mg, and that was determined to be a proper dosage, due to the bloodwork. That was August. I did another 100 mg cycle in September during which I know that I ovulated late, but Dr. Insensitive had stopped ordering blood tests since one came back positive at 100 mg.

Early September of 2011, my mom had had surgery on her stomach to repair some lingering problems from childhood. The surgery didn't go well and she had another one three weeks later. After I heard about the second surgery being scheduled, I went ahead and got a ticket back home. I left in early October and returned in early November. Those cycles I did not take Clomid; October, because DH stayed in Germany and November because I didn't have access to the medication early enough in my cycle.

In December, I called Dr. Insensitive's office. I hadn't seen him since June and I wanted to have a change in prescription or blood work done to verify ovulation (or lack thereof) or something to move this process along. The receptionist went ahead and scheduled an appointment with the doctor for the week after Christmas. At this point, I felt so discouraged and broken down. We had passed the year mark and the officially infertile status rang loudly in my head.

At our appointment, Dr. Insensitive was, well, insensitive. I told him that the Clomid wasn't working, that I wasn't ovulating. He said that the blood work proved otherwise. I tried to show him my charts and he told me that those were useless and that I really shouldn't bother with them. He asked if I wanted to keep going on Clomid. I said no, but I wouldn't mind trying Femara. He harrumphed at that, and told me to go get an HSG done, and after that, he would put in the referral. His parting words were, "Maybe you won't even need the referral. You could be pregnant by then." His false confidence made me break down. I needed some real hope, not placating words.

DH and I went over to the lab. They used to do HSGs, but didn't any longer because the community that we are in is in the process of shutting down. I had to go to Landstuhl, the big military hospital over here, to get the HSG done. I called them and they said that I should call on CD 1 of my next cycle to schedule the HSG. I was on CD 3, but it couldn't be scheduled for that cycle due to New Year's being in just a couple of days. I had to wait out another cycle.

February came around, and with it, the chance to do the HSG. I called the lab and scheduled the test. I had to get a blood test done for pregnancy beforehand, which is kind of crappy. Dr. Insensitive had put the order in wrong, but the people at Landstuhl were able to work it out. (I got a call the next week, asking if I was going to be in the next day for my HSG. Dr. Insensitive was apparently having some major problems with getting the orders in correctly.)

Ouch

The HSG was painful. I wouldn't call it excruciating, but I would rather not to have to do it again. I had been researching HSGs as soon as I heard about them, so I pretty much knew what was going to happen. There were four people in the room, six including DH and I. I have gotten to the point that I really don't care who is doing or seeing things, if it's going to help get me pregnant. One tube had some adhesions, but the radiology doc managed to get it to open up and the dye spilled through on both sides. I was uncomfortable for about half an hour afterwards and took it easy for the rest of the day, but was fully recovered very shortly.

After the HSG was done, I called and got the ball rolling on getting the referral the rest of the way through. At the end of February, I finally had my referral in hand. I saw Herr Doktor for the first time on February 27th, 2012.

It's been a long road getting here. I've learned that I need to be my own advocate, that no one else is going to push things as much as I will. I've learned that research can be my best friend. Knowing what the next step typically is is very helpful for me. I can anticipate what is coming next and ask about the next step if the doctor doesn't mention it. I've learned that you have to know the system to be able to use it. Checking and double checking is okay.

Through all of this, I have tried to hold on to hope. Hope is the most elusive, slippery, crazy thing that I've found on this journey. The ups and downs of each cycle and the hope that keeps me going despite so much heartbreak. I hope to get pregnant. I hope to have a healthy baby. I hope to be a mother.

CD 22, 9 dp trigger

The two week wait begins, oder die zwei Wochen Wartezeit beginnt

Another two week wait. This one is the first one where I have been jabbing myself for the whole cycle, so maybe I'll have a better chance this time. This is what I always tell myself. The maybe I have a chance part, not the jabbing myself part, just in case you think that I am a regular injectable drug user.

The weekend went well. DH and I had dinner on Saturday, our actual anniversary. On the way to dinner, we saw an honest to goodness blimp. Not a balloon that looked like a blimp; a real blimp with someone flying it and everything. It wasn't even Goodyear. I've never seen that before. It was cool. Sunday we went to the sauna. The sauna is so relaxing. I did see a couple of preggos, which always bums me out a little bit, but not enough to detract from the rest of the day. 

And as for the TTC bit, we did the PODO Saturday and Sunday morning and this morning as well. DH loves this. He wishes we had doctor prescribed morning fun every day. I, on the other hand, am just glad that I don't am not required to have as good a time (if you knOw what I'm saying) for the task at hand. Now we can resume with our regularly scheduled (Ha!) sexy times. 

I did take a pregnancy test on Sunday morning, just so that I could see a positive result from the trigger shot. I know it's kind of silly, but it gives me hope that at some point I will see another positive test, and I need hope like that from time to time.

I called Herr Doktor's office this morning to see what the next step is. I need to start taking the progesterone I'll start tomorrow. I want to make really sure that the egg/eggs have left the ovary. Then I go in for a blood test on the 26th at 7 a.m. I'm glad for two whole weeks without any needles, but this is also the hard part of the cycle because there is just a lot of waiting. 

Today, though, I'm taking the day off. The last couple of weeks I've been much busier than usual and last week especially was stressful in a variety of ways. So today, I'm just hanging out at home. I should go for a run, and I might do that later, but so far I am just watching TV and not thinking about much. Or trying not to.

CD 15, two dp trigger

Prüfen Sie die Eier, aka: Checking the eggs (Part 3)

Another u/s today. I had hoped that my follicles would be growing a little faster by now. Last night I Dr. Googled "average follicle growth per day on Follistim" and other similar phrases. It looks like for a lot of people, they grow 2mm per day and the closer to ovulation, the faster the growth. My follicles have been growing at about 1mm per day and have been very steady and have not sped up. It kind of seems like it's a normal cycle for me.

My ovaries can be real jerks.

I have a feeling that my body doesn't really give a shit about the Follistim at this dose and is giving a big ole "Neener neener! That's not gonna work!" to Herr Doktor. I suspect my dose will be bumped up for the next cycle. I'm tempted to bump it up a little on my own, but so far am resisting.

Herr Doktor was at a conference today so I went to another doctor. We'll call her Frau Doktor. Frau Doktor was very nice and explained all of what she was seeing. My lining is 6 mm and they like to see it at 7 or 8 at trigger time. (I haven't been drinking my tea like I should.) I have one 12mm follie on the left and two 16mm follies on the right. That made me happy to see that there was more than one growing. I hadn't seen that with Herr Doktor. I wouldn't mind seeing Frau Doktor again in the future.

This may be an actual picture of Frau Doktor's secretary.
Seriously.

Frau Doktor's secretary, however, is a different story. Whenever she sees anyone at her door, she gives the most aggrieved sigh you can imagine. When I went in, I said good morning, and then told her I was there for an ultrasound. She irritably asked for my name, and I gave it to her. Then she told me to go sit in the waiting room. I hadn't been to this office before, so I asked where the waiting room was. She grumpily informed me that it was down the hall. I give a lot of leeway to people with bad attitudes (I imagine that they might have had a terrible morning, or they have a headache, or they are annoyed by hearing that same stupid song on the radio over and over), but she acted the same way on Monday. She just seems like a sour puss. It made me very glad that Herr Doktor's secretary is very nice.

I am making another two trips to the Apotheke today for more Follistim and waiting for the results of today's blood test to see if I will trigger this weekend or have to go back in for another u/s on Monday. I'm hoping I'll be able to trigger, but suspecting that I will be going back in. Honestly, I don't expect this cycle to work, but I kind of felt that way going in. It's the first round of this new treatment, so I'm not broken hearted at the possibility of it not working at this point and I'm willing to give it a little longer. One of these cycles though will be the one that works.

Thanks to The Cornfed Feminist for the term "pants off dance off".

*Edit* Pants off dance off comes from Robin at Polycystic inside. I've been reading many blogs and got them mixed up. Thanks for the correction.

CD 12
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Update: I just got a call from the clinic. I am to trigger tomorrow and make with the pants off dance off this weekend. That will make DH happy, and it should make for a decent anniversary weekend.

Prüfen Sie die Eier, aka: Checking the eggs (Part 2)

Today was my second u/s for this cycle. I made it there earlier than last time, but I was still the last one in there. (Dang it! I wonder how early I would have to get there in order not to be last?) I brought some hand sewing with me and that was a nice way to pass the time and be productive simultaneously.

Imagine this woman as Asian, and you'll get an idea.

There was a different nurse today, a little woman who looked to be of Asian decent. She didn't speak as much English as the nurse that I've seen before, but it was enough. She jammed a needle in my arm to take some blood. Seriously, she was not gentle. I'm getting a little sick of the blood draws, but hopefully there won't be so many next week.

I went back to the waiting room and then Herr Doktor called me back. When I was taking off my pants, I noticed some drapes folded up the the changing room. I asked if I was supposed to use one. (I didn't notice them last time.) He said I could if I wanted; that the American women sometimes use them, but the German women don't. So, I skipped it. It was really tiny, like a dish cloth, and I didn't use one last time, so what's the difference, right?

The right side had a 14 mm follicle. He said the left side had smaller follicles. I think the left side had one 12 mm. My lining must have been fine, because he didn't mention it. I asked if I could go to the sauna this weekend. He asked why not. I asked if I could keep running. He said that would be fine. I need to have another u/s on Friday, but I'll be going to a different doctor because Herr Doktor will be at a conference in Mannheim. The best part about that is that it won't be as early.

Sure I 'll limit myself to three.

So, now I'm back home. My plan is to go for a run this morning, go to the bakery and pick up some quarkbällchen for breakfast, and then go shopping for a dress for an upcoming military ball. The run and the breakfast, I am looking forward to. The dress shopping, not so much. Balls, blech.

Prüfen Sie die Eier, aka: Checking the eggs

I had a great time at my sewing retreat. I came home to a husband who spent all weekend on the couch and ate pizza or cereal every meal. I think we both had a good weekend.

This morning I had to get up way earlier than normal to get my first u/s this cycle. Day eight seems a bit early to me, but I'd rather too much attention than not enough. I arrived a few minutes before seven, and there was a full waiting room. The order was first come, first served, so I was last, but that worked out just fine.

After being called back, I went into the nurse's office and she made sure that I was me. Then I went into the Herr Doktor's office. He had me go behind a curtain, undress from the waist down, and then come out and hop up on the table and get my legs in the stirrups. (I hate it when they tell you to, "Hop up." It feels so demeaning somehow.) If I had had to do this ten years ago, it would have been really difficult and embarrassing. At this point though, so many doctors and nurses and other health care professionals have had a peek, and DH and I regularly go to the German spas where everyone is naked, so it's not a big deal. 

Imagine this, but with a whole body and no drape.

Herr Doktor suited up the transvaginal wand, aka Wanda, and off we went. In the States, they handed me the wand and asked me to insert it. Herr Doktor didn't bother with that, and it was fine. He said my lining looks good (Thank you red raspberry leaf tea!) and said that I have one 10mm follicle on the right ovary and one 12 mm follicle on the left. It may have been the other way around. I'll have to listen better next time. He had me put my pants on, gave me another prescription for Puregon (Follistim), told me my blood work from last time came back with all normal levels and asked me to come back Wednesday for another u/s. Auf wiedersehen, Herr Doktor.

I went into the nurse's office and she gave me the written prescription and drew some blood. Once I was done there, I paid for my parking and went to the Apotheke. They asked me to come back this afternoon and pick up the Follistim, so I did.

On the subject of the Follistim, out of six injections, I only have two giant bruises and one little tiny bruise. Three of the injections didn't bruise at all. I think part of the reason is how long I take to ice the area because when I'm in a hurry, I get a bruise. The other part is that the area to the left of and below my bellybutton must be full of blood vessels that are extra leaky. That's the only place I've bruised. The bruises don't hurt, even when I press on them.

Anyway, another appointment for Wednesday, early again. I'm encouraged by how well my ovaries are behaving so far, so hopefully it will be all good news. I'm looking forward to seeing Wanda again and hopefully she'll give me good news. I have a feeling she and I are going to get to be very good friends.

CD 8

Bitte schön, Knock me up, Herr Doktor aka: first visit to the RE

DH and I went to the RE this morning. Actually, he's the professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology and the Head of the Gynecological Endocrinology and Reproductive Medicine. Quite a mouthful. We'll just call him Herr Doktor for short.

First, we went to the women's clinic next door. DH was coming from work, so we drove separately. The GPS was trying to take me some crazy route, but I pissed it off and made there anyway. So, the women's clinic. I tell the woman at the front desk that we are there to see Herr Doktor. She says fine, but we need to check in at administration. We go into the office after knocking. No one home. There's talking in the office next door, but I'm not sure if she's on the phone or with someone. So, after a little while, I knock on that door. There's someone in there (who I'm pretty sure was a pharmaceutical rep), so we keep waiting. It's about 10 minutes from our appointment. Finally, I can tell the visitor in the office is getting ready to leave. Just as she's wheeling out her suitcase (this is why I'm guessing the pharm rep thing), the office that we originally knocked on is entered by a woman, presumably the office's resident. We are beckoned in and sit down.

"Sprechen Sie Englisch?"

"Nien."

It's always a challenge, being in a country where you don't speak the language.

"I'm here to see Herr Doktor." I hand her my paperwork.

"Ah, Herr Doktor. Go next door to (German words I don't know). You know?"

Alas, I do not know. "No."

"Ah..." while pointing up high and more German.

"Top floor?"

"Ja, in the (German words) building."

Okay. Top floor of some building across the street with German words I don't know. Got it.

We hotfoot it over there and walk around the building, trying to find the words she said. We see a sign that looks promising and follow it down the street. No building that has the German words we were hearing down here. We've gone too far and go back. "Let's just try this building."

We go inside and head into the first office we see. "Herr Doktor?"

"Ja, up two flights." (I'm translating here.)

We head up the two flights and find the sign for Herr Doktor's secretary. We check in, are asked our birth dates and occupations; Hausfrau for me and military for him. Then we're shown to the waiting room. DH heads to the toilet, and I sit down.

Now, I have not been in a civilian waiting room for a long while, so I don't know if it's this way at non-military facilities in the States, but it is quiet in this waiting room. There is a group consisting of one man and two women (maybe mother and daughter, or possibly surrogacy?) and a woman alone. It is completely silent. No one is talking. There is no music. Most amazingly, there is no TV. DH sits back down and the group of three talk a little. We wait, and wait. The woman gets called back. More waiting.....and more. After a while, the group of three gets called back. Waiting...waiting. Another woman shows up, then another couple. They say "Hallo" when they come in. (Oops, guess we were supposed to do that. Oh, well.) More waiting. Finally, after about an hour (not exaggeration, by the way), we get shown into another room.

This room is about the same size as the waiting room and the nurse is in there. She looks like what you imagine nurses to be. White shoes, white shirt, white coat, white pants, white watch. And she has a green scarf. So, we sit in there a while longer, watching the nurse walking between this room and the doctor's office, which is next door. After another ten to fifteen minutes, we are shown into the doctor's office. He introduces himself by his last name only (This must be a German thing.) and we sit down.

Then the questions. First, why are you here? I said the only thing that made sense to me, that I want to have a baby and haven't been able to get pregnant so far. Then the medical questions. Any surgeries? No. Any pregnancies? No. Have you been on Clomid? Yes. How many cycles. Six. You've had the HSG? Yes. And your tubes were clear? Yes, from what I've been told. Was it painful? Yes.

When was the start of your last cycle? Today. I really thought, as I always seem to, that the last cycle was The One. I ovulated on my own in a reasonable amount of time. (Or seemed to.) I was two days late. Some of my PMS symptoms weren't there, and there were some other symptoms that made me hopeful. Alas, it was not to be. I just kept holding on to this appointment as my hope for the future, at least when it comes to making babies.

Now DH's turn. He's pretty good, thankfully. Herr Doktor seems happy with him. At least one of us is okay.

Herr Doktor talks to us about PCOS. He says he's going to put me on FSH. There will be a pen, I will do injections daily. We'll have an ultrasound in a week. Since it's CD1, they can do blood tests without having to wait, so the nurse will take my blood and then we're to stop by the secretary's and schedule the ultrasound.

Another difference from military treatment facilities (MTFs) is that the doctor's nurse is the one taking my blood. At an MTF, they would put the order in and then you would head over to the lab and sit in another waiting room and have the blood draw there. It's kind of nice not to have to go to another office, especially when I am not yet familiar with this hospital. I have a feeling I will get to know it though.

Then we stop by the secretary's office and schedule the ultrasound. 7 a.m. Ugh. I don't have to get up early, and so usually I avoid it. I think this will be worth the effort though. Prescriptions in hand, DH and I head out and get some lunch. I'll go and get the meds after eating something and going home and taking some Advil for these cramps.

So, that was the appointment this morning. And that's what I'm posting for today. I'll get to the pharmacy fun times tomorrow. I'm glad we've finally gotten to this point. It's been a long road, with several unexpected turns. I have hope that there is an end in sight to this path and a new road on the horizon.

CD 1