Infertility has changed me.

I finally have that BFP but it hasn't really sunk in. I just stopped charting today. I still occasionally POAS, just to check. I'm nervous because I haven't had any nausea. The only symptoms I've had are sore, slowly enlarging, boobs and a slower run time.

DH and I went in on Thursday for another ultrasound. Herr Doktor wanted to make sure there wasn't an ectopic pregnancy going into the long weekend. (The Germans have a four day this weekend because of Easter.) I now have a gestational sac that measured 9.2 mm. My beta was 6269 on Thursday, so that's progressing okay. Even with all of that, I can't claim the P word. I can't say it out loud.

I had coffee with a friend yesterday who is 7 weeks along. She was talking about how long it took (10 months) and how she's sort of obsessed because she's still doing the POAS thing and has eight pregnancy tests still at home. I think I have about forty. But, the thing that really struck me is that she's still confident she's pregnant. She hasn't heard a heartbeat yet or even had an ultrasound, just positive blood and urine tests. But, she knows she's really pregnant. She is sure of that fact.

I, on the other hand, do not think of myself that way, and probably won't until there's a heartbeat. Right now, I have a gestational sac and I can manage to get BFPs on home tests. I still find myself looking enviously at strollers and little kids toddling around playgrounds. Swollen bellies still throw me off. Hearing someone else's good news still makes me feel that happy for them, sad for me, thing. I actually had to remind myself the other day not to have a beer with dinner. It's a surreal feeling, like I'm having a boring dream with an exciting background note.

Infertility has indeed changed me. I don't think I will be confident until I bring a healthy baby home.

And that's when the real worrying starts.

Diese Woche schleppt oder this week is dragging!

Or your Monday realizing it's only Wednesday

A week is a long time to wait until the next beta.

I have continued to POAS every morning. This morning, the line was slightly lighter than yesterday's line, which was the darkest I've had so far from the cheapies. I went to the commissary yesterday and bought 6 dollar tests and did one of those too this morning. That one has a decent line, so that makes me feel a little better. I ordered more cheapies last week before the news and am waiting for those so that I can do more obsessive testing more cheaply.

Other than that, I'm a little nervous at my lack of symptoms. I know it's very early, but the only thing I've really got going on is sore boobs. I've had a tiny bit of nausea and have been grazing a lot to try and help that. Oh, and I'm pretty sure I've got the start of a yeast infection, which means that my hormones are out of whack and I'm eating yogurt. (I used to get a yeast infection every other month on Clomid.) Other than that, nothing's going on.

I've been having bad dreams about my temps dropping (I'm still temping), but they are still mostly up, although not climbing.

DH is gone for the week. I wish he were here to reassure me. We don't normally talk very much when he's gone, but I may call him tonight to see how he's doing.

I'm keeping busy sewing and helping out at the library, alternately thinking about what's going on and trying not to think about it at all. I'm terrified of losing this pregnancy. I'm not even thinking of myself as pregnant. I just can't yet. Until I hear a heartbeat I'm trying to protect myself. Even then, I'm not sure that it will feel real.

The one concession I've made to the news is to wear my cute, more expensive than the usual jeans more often. They are fairly tight and it's possible that I won't be able to wear them in a little while, so I'm trying to get my money's worth out of them.

Only 5 more days until my next beta, and it cannot come soon enough!

CD 31, 19 dp trigger

I'm driving myself crazy aka Ich mache mich verrückt

Ah, the two week wait. The time that I go from being a rational (ha!) person to someone who pees in cups and then saves that pee for a couple of hours just in case I decide to test again.

I tested on Friday morning before DH and I left for vacation. The night before I had had some weird twingy pains in my left side; it felt like near my fallopian tube. I figured it was from sitting too long because I had been in the car a lot that day. Since we were going on vacation and I expected to be drinking, I tested just in case. It was super early. I got a positive that even DH saw. I decided though, that it was still leftovers from the trigger the week before. I took a couple tests with us.

Is that a line? Nope, just a cat hair.

I tested Saturday morning and got another, fainter positive. I didn't test Sunday or Monday. I tested yesterday and, while I saw a line, DH didn't see anything. I am notorious for seeing lines where there aren't any. I tested again today. The first test was hard to read because it had been banged around in my backpack while traveling, so I decided that was inconclusive. The second test (taken from my FMU after DH went to work) I thought I might have seen a line, but like I said, I am good at imaginary lines. I think this overactive imagination comes from being an only child.

Then I broke out the big guns. I took a Clear Blue Digital. I bought these yesterday when I was picking up cat food. I've never used one before, but they are all kind of the same. I kept telling myself it would be a BFN. It was. Shocker.

Not my tests, though I may be this crazy.

I decided to order some more cheapies off of Amazon. I only ordered 25, because I shouldn't need that many and I didn't order any ovulation tests because I'm hoping that I won't need those again. I like to torture myself by looking at other people's positive tests, so I was looking through the pictures of these tests on Amazon. I showed DH this picture from Amazon to show him that I am not alone in my craziness. The "approximately" in the time past o made me laugh. If it were 7days 9hrs, maybe that would be the difference. But, I save my pee for hours and hustle my husband out of the house so I can do another test, so am I really any more sane?

So, today it'll be another day of trying not to think about my uterus. I'm going to work in my sewing room. I should go running, but I just really don't feel like it, so I'm not going to unless I feel like it later.

Tomorrow I'll be back at the library morning and evening to help out. Friday night is the ball (ugh, balls) that DH is dragging me to. Saturday I have a class in a town about an hour away. Hopefully today will be the day that I have to most chance to be crazy and subsequent days I will be too busy. I'll try not to go cross eyed looking at my latest test.

CD 23, 12dp trigger