Striving for contentment

In March I signed up for one of Cristy's fertility sock exchanges. I was in the midst of my first cycle with injectables. Cristy sets it up so that instead of giving and receiving socks with the same person, it's more of a chain where you receive from one person and give to another. Before I got my socks or had a chance to send mine out, I got my BFP and went on to have a positive beta the next week. Since that happened, one of my sock buddies has gotten pregnant and is in her second trimester with twins. The other has had an IUI that didn't result in pregnancy.

I've been reading lots of fertility blogs during my journey and many of the people that were TTCing when I started reading have gone on to get pregnant and are on the road to have healthy babies or already have their healthy baby. There are still several though who have not managed this, despite all of their best efforts and medical technology and hope and prayer. My sock buddy who has not conceived told me that she was self-isolating and trying to come to terms with what life has dealt her. I got the impression that it was, "Thanks for checking in, but it's too painful for me to talk to you and I need time to heal."

As I sit here, feeling the kicks of my daughter for the last hour or so, my heart breaks once again for those who have not been able to complete their journey to motherhood. (Not that my journey is over, mind you.) I want to be able to say to those people that they are not left behind in my mind. They are not less. They are still working through their journey to parenthood, or are working on making peace with being childless. They are still in my heart. I want to reach out and give comfort or a shoulder to cry on. I don't know how though. When I was still going through it, my mom would say to me that she knew I would have a baby. I know she was trying to comfort me, but I just wanted to lash out and say, "And what if I don't?! Don't tell me that everything will be alright when you don't know if that will happen. You can't guarantee that!"

Infertility has changed me and there are things that I don't think I'll ever take for granted. And I hope that if I meet someone, in person or online, who is struggling, that I will be able to say something besides, "Everything will be okay." Because sometimes, everything isn't okay. Sometimes life is really hard and things suck. Life is not fair. I think we all know this

But, I do believe that every person can get to a point where they are content with their life as it is, at least for a moment. And I hope that my interactions with others will be part of what makes a life of contentment, even if only for a moment. That's one good thing that has come out of my struggle with infertility.

Infertility has changed me.

I finally have that BFP but it hasn't really sunk in. I just stopped charting today. I still occasionally POAS, just to check. I'm nervous because I haven't had any nausea. The only symptoms I've had are sore, slowly enlarging, boobs and a slower run time.

DH and I went in on Thursday for another ultrasound. Herr Doktor wanted to make sure there wasn't an ectopic pregnancy going into the long weekend. (The Germans have a four day this weekend because of Easter.) I now have a gestational sac that measured 9.2 mm. My beta was 6269 on Thursday, so that's progressing okay. Even with all of that, I can't claim the P word. I can't say it out loud.

I had coffee with a friend yesterday who is 7 weeks along. She was talking about how long it took (10 months) and how she's sort of obsessed because she's still doing the POAS thing and has eight pregnancy tests still at home. I think I have about forty. But, the thing that really struck me is that she's still confident she's pregnant. She hasn't heard a heartbeat yet or even had an ultrasound, just positive blood and urine tests. But, she knows she's really pregnant. She is sure of that fact.

I, on the other hand, do not think of myself that way, and probably won't until there's a heartbeat. Right now, I have a gestational sac and I can manage to get BFPs on home tests. I still find myself looking enviously at strollers and little kids toddling around playgrounds. Swollen bellies still throw me off. Hearing someone else's good news still makes me feel that happy for them, sad for me, thing. I actually had to remind myself the other day not to have a beer with dinner. It's a surreal feeling, like I'm having a boring dream with an exciting background note.

Infertility has indeed changed me. I don't think I will be confident until I bring a healthy baby home.

And that's when the real worrying starts.

Sehr frühe Schwangerschaft

This is a difficult post to write. I've been avoiding it since last week. I just got off the phone with my mom.

You may have noticed that I've been a little vague the last few days. That was partly because it was the weekend and I was busy, and partly because I haven't known how to share this news with you. I've read this on other blogs and it has made my heart sink and my guts wrench.

I got a BFP.

I thought that I was seeing lines on the cheapies, so I went and got a box of three FRER tests. I tested on Friday again, like I had been testing all week. I saw the line on the cheapie, but DH didn't see it. So, before he left, I went up to my saved FMU (gross, I know) and dipped in the FRER. After a few minutes, there was a faint line. I showed it to DH and he saw the line too.

I tested again on Saturday with a FRER and got a darker line. Of course, DH and I have been very excited while simultaneously terrified of anything going wrong. I've been testing with cheapies the last couple of days and am still seeing faint lines, although they are getting a little darker. Today I went in for the blood test, and it was positive. Beta is 113. I go in next week for another blood test and an ultrasound to see if there is a heart beat.

I started this blog because I was tired of seeing other people's TTC journey's come to an end. I would follow along with them, and then, when they got that BFP, I would stop reading or just to the blog version of the face.book lurk. I decided that I needed a way to tell my story, even if it was to the ethernet and no one else.

Now, here I am with the thing that I have been working for, hoping and praying for and I feel a little bad about starting this blog. It will probably change in tone if those lines keep showing up. I am excited, but terrified at the same time. Not of being a mother, but of finally getting my BFP and not getting a baby at the end of it. This blog is one of the first in line for getting the news, after DH, my mom, and a couple of good friends. I don't intend on telling anyone else before hearing a heartbeat, and maybe not even then. I may wait a while longer just to be sure this thing isn't going anywhere.

If you have been reading and decide to stop, I completely understand. I've enjoyed having this one-sided conversation and will go on with it for as long as it feels like a good thing to do. If you decide to stick with me, great! I hope to hear more from you as the time goes on.

So, that's my news. On a personal front, I am ecstatic, but any readers have been on my mind because I know how it feels for me to here someone else's good news. I hope to be sensitive and I hope you'll be understanding.

Thank you.

CD 29, 17 dp trigger. BFP, beta 113.