Trying again.

Bee is two, almost 2 1/2. Last April, DH and I started not preventing, just to see what would happen. I got another prescription for Metformin, although I didn't really take any. Life went along. My cycles were fairly regular for a while, and then slowly but surely they got longer. This March I went to my new doctor in a new town (we moved again within Germany last July). I told her we had been trying a year with no success. I was referred to a gyn. I did one cycle where I showed up with a 16mm follicle and got a trigger shot within a couple of days. No luck. The next cycle (the current one) I got the vag cam a couple of times. At CD 16, my biggest follicle was 10 mm. So, now I'm on CD 41, having ovulated last weekend. I have a referral to an infertility specialist in Nuremberg for 19 June, the day after we get back from vacation. I don't have high hopes because I'll be 2ish weeks into that cycle and I'm leaving in August to go back to the States for three weeks to visit my parents. And if I have another baby, I want it to be in Germany because of several various reasons.

So this is my plan. I will give it until 1 October of this year/finish out whatever treatment I'm on as of 1 October. If nothing happens, I'll go back to not preventing. If still nothing happens (which it probably won't), then we'll close up shop and be happy with one.

I'm driving myself crazy aka Ich mache mich verrückt

Ah, the two week wait. The time that I go from being a rational (ha!) person to someone who pees in cups and then saves that pee for a couple of hours just in case I decide to test again.

I tested on Friday morning before DH and I left for vacation. The night before I had had some weird twingy pains in my left side; it felt like near my fallopian tube. I figured it was from sitting too long because I had been in the car a lot that day. Since we were going on vacation and I expected to be drinking, I tested just in case. It was super early. I got a positive that even DH saw. I decided though, that it was still leftovers from the trigger the week before. I took a couple tests with us.

Is that a line? Nope, just a cat hair.

I tested Saturday morning and got another, fainter positive. I didn't test Sunday or Monday. I tested yesterday and, while I saw a line, DH didn't see anything. I am notorious for seeing lines where there aren't any. I tested again today. The first test was hard to read because it had been banged around in my backpack while traveling, so I decided that was inconclusive. The second test (taken from my FMU after DH went to work) I thought I might have seen a line, but like I said, I am good at imaginary lines. I think this overactive imagination comes from being an only child.

Then I broke out the big guns. I took a Clear Blue Digital. I bought these yesterday when I was picking up cat food. I've never used one before, but they are all kind of the same. I kept telling myself it would be a BFN. It was. Shocker.

Not my tests, though I may be this crazy.

I decided to order some more cheapies off of Amazon. I only ordered 25, because I shouldn't need that many and I didn't order any ovulation tests because I'm hoping that I won't need those again. I like to torture myself by looking at other people's positive tests, so I was looking through the pictures of these tests on Amazon. I showed DH this picture from Amazon to show him that I am not alone in my craziness. The "approximately" in the time past o made me laugh. If it were 7days 9hrs, maybe that would be the difference. But, I save my pee for hours and hustle my husband out of the house so I can do another test, so am I really any more sane?

So, today it'll be another day of trying not to think about my uterus. I'm going to work in my sewing room. I should go running, but I just really don't feel like it, so I'm not going to unless I feel like it later.

Tomorrow I'll be back at the library morning and evening to help out. Friday night is the ball (ugh, balls) that DH is dragging me to. Saturday I have a class in a town about an hour away. Hopefully today will be the day that I have to most chance to be crazy and subsequent days I will be too busy. I'll try not to go cross eyed looking at my latest test.

CD 23, 12dp trigger

Maowigge is what bwings us togevver today

Today is DH's and my eleventh anniversary. Wow, eleven years. That is a long time. It's over a third of my life. We've been through been through six moves, four deployments and sixteen months of TTC. We've been really, really broke and less broke. We have supported each other through struggles; through moves and deployments and family relationships and just life. I like to think that we have followed our vows of for better or worse.

DH and I have a pretty good marriage. It's not perfect, but no one's is. We get along and enjoy each other's company. He's been really supportive of all this fertility nonsense. When I get really sad and tell him that I don't want him to miss out on being a dad because of me, he just reassures me that he loves me and that he'd rather spend the rest of his life with just me, than find someone else who can make babies.

He's been doing this thing for the last several days where every morning I find a card counting down to our anniversary. A couple weeks ago I was complaining that the BX didn't have any good cards because they don't have Hallmark any more. He took this as a challenge. So he's taking birthday cards and modifying them to be anniversary cards. It's so cute. Speaking of cute things, lately he's been calling me "sleepykins" when I'm tired. I love this. I think it's adorable and wish I knew how to tell him so.

We are going out to dinner at Die Kartoffel (The Potato) in Ladenburg. (Click on the Speisekarte if you go to the website.) Their main draw is steak (Mmmmmm.....steak), which you cook on super hot stone slabs.  That way your steak is cooked exactly how you like it. It's a bit pricey, but amazing. And it's one of the few places that you can get a baked potato around here. It's looking to be a fun night out. One thing I know for sure is that I will have good company.

Happy anniversary, DH! I love you so much and am glad every day that I married you.

CD 13 Trigger today.

Prüfen Sie die Eier, aka: Checking the eggs (Part 3)

Another u/s today. I had hoped that my follicles would be growing a little faster by now. Last night I Dr. Googled "average follicle growth per day on Follistim" and other similar phrases. It looks like for a lot of people, they grow 2mm per day and the closer to ovulation, the faster the growth. My follicles have been growing at about 1mm per day and have been very steady and have not sped up. It kind of seems like it's a normal cycle for me.

My ovaries can be real jerks.

I have a feeling that my body doesn't really give a shit about the Follistim at this dose and is giving a big ole "Neener neener! That's not gonna work!" to Herr Doktor. I suspect my dose will be bumped up for the next cycle. I'm tempted to bump it up a little on my own, but so far am resisting.

Herr Doktor was at a conference today so I went to another doctor. We'll call her Frau Doktor. Frau Doktor was very nice and explained all of what she was seeing. My lining is 6 mm and they like to see it at 7 or 8 at trigger time. (I haven't been drinking my tea like I should.) I have one 12mm follie on the left and two 16mm follies on the right. That made me happy to see that there was more than one growing. I hadn't seen that with Herr Doktor. I wouldn't mind seeing Frau Doktor again in the future.

This may be an actual picture of Frau Doktor's secretary.
Seriously.

Frau Doktor's secretary, however, is a different story. Whenever she sees anyone at her door, she gives the most aggrieved sigh you can imagine. When I went in, I said good morning, and then told her I was there for an ultrasound. She irritably asked for my name, and I gave it to her. Then she told me to go sit in the waiting room. I hadn't been to this office before, so I asked where the waiting room was. She grumpily informed me that it was down the hall. I give a lot of leeway to people with bad attitudes (I imagine that they might have had a terrible morning, or they have a headache, or they are annoyed by hearing that same stupid song on the radio over and over), but she acted the same way on Monday. She just seems like a sour puss. It made me very glad that Herr Doktor's secretary is very nice.

I am making another two trips to the Apotheke today for more Follistim and waiting for the results of today's blood test to see if I will trigger this weekend or have to go back in for another u/s on Monday. I'm hoping I'll be able to trigger, but suspecting that I will be going back in. Honestly, I don't expect this cycle to work, but I kind of felt that way going in. It's the first round of this new treatment, so I'm not broken hearted at the possibility of it not working at this point and I'm willing to give it a little longer. One of these cycles though will be the one that works.

Thanks to The Cornfed Feminist for the term "pants off dance off".

*Edit* Pants off dance off comes from Robin at Polycystic inside. I've been reading many blogs and got them mixed up. Thanks for the correction.

CD 12
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Update: I just got a call from the clinic. I am to trigger tomorrow and make with the pants off dance off this weekend. That will make DH happy, and it should make for a decent anniversary weekend.

Besuch in der Apotheke, aka: visit to the pharmacy

Yesterday, after DH and I had finished with Herr Doktor and gotten some lunch, I went to the Apotheke (pharmacy). Actually, first I went home because it was CD 1 and I hadn't taken anything for the pain yet. I got home, took three Advil, called the MTF pharmacy to see if they had the medications (They didn't.), and then headed back out to the Apotheke.

The Apotheke I went to is not in my town. It's not in a town that I have ever been to before for any reason. Now I've been there twice in two days.

I follow the map I've been given by the Tricare office and make it to the general area. I see two Apothekes on my way in, so I find parking and grab my prescriptions and other paperwork and attempt to find the correct Apotheke. I'm looking for Rathaus Apotheke. (The Rathaus is the town hall.) The ones that I see are Center Apotheke and Turm Apotheke. I can't find the Rathaus. My map says that the Rathaus Apotheke is just behind the Rathaus. I'm stumped.

I go into a building that says "Information" on it. I ask the gentleman inside where Rathaus Apotheke is. He points, but all the windows are covered up and says a lot of things in German. He points toward the Center Apotheke, but Turm Apotheke is that way to. Hmmm.... I thank him and go back outside.

I try the door of Center Apotheke. It's locked. Ooookay. I head over to Turm Apotheke. Also locked. And this one looks like it's been locked for a while and may never reopen. So, back to Center I go. Still locked. Then I pull out my map and realize that there is a phone number for Rathaus Apotheke on here. Wonderful! I call the number, and am treated to an answering machine message in German. The only thing I understand is "closed". I hang up. Studying my map closer, I notice it has the hours for Rathaus Apotheke as closed from one p.m. to three p.m. Ah...I forgot about the lunch hour. Germany.

It's about quarter til three, so I go back to my car and read until a little after three. I walk back to Center Apotheke and go in. When I'm called to the counter, I practice the little bit of German I know and tell the woman, "I need medicine," in German. I hand her my prescriptions and she tells me that they have the progesterone, but not the FSH or trigger shot, at first speaking in German, then switching to English when I show her my deer in the headlights look. That one always works. She tells me that I should go back to my town to get the medications because they don't have them there and it will be easier for me. I explain that I was told to come here. I show her my map. She tells me I need the Rathaus Apotheke; this is Central Apotheke. Uh huh.

She kindly shows me which way to go. It isn't far. I thank her profusely and resume walking. I find the building that she said is the Rathaus. It's a school. The building next door is the Rathaus. The Rathaus Apotheke is supposed to be behind the Rathaus. I walk all the way around. No Apotheke.

I walk back the way I came and then a little further down the street. There's a side street I notice. It even has a sign! (This is a rarity in Germany. It's all well and good to have a map with street names, but when only half of the streets are marked, it doesn't do too much good.) It's the street that Rathaus Apotheke is on, according to my map. Sure enough, I walk around the corner, and there it is. Hooray!

(I'm reminding myself between finding the doctor's office and finding the pharmacy that I only have to find them for the first time once. Next time it will be easier.)

I go in and give them my line. "I need medicine." They ask for my papers and I hand them over. We do the routine with the German, deer in headlights look, and then English. They have the progesterone and give that to me. They do not have the FSH or trigger shot. Those will be arriving at 6:15. It's about 3:30. I can pick them up tomorrow if that's more convenient. Great!

Then I ask how to take the progesterone. "Didn't the doctor tell you?"

"Well, he told me to take it and when to take it, but not how many to take or if the time of day when they are taken mattered."

"Let me see your paper." She wants to see the paper I got from the doctor. I hand it over. There's information on there about the FSH and nothing else. She seems a little panicky.

"Do you have the doctor's number?"

"I have it at home."

"Let me give it to you." She's writing it down off of the prescription. I protest a little, but let her do it. I'll see the doctor between now and when I need to take that med, so I'm not worried about it. Okay, great. My meds are on the way, and I'll pick them up either tonight or tomorrow morning.

The next morning:

I putter around since the Apotheke isn't open until 8:30. I head out and get there around 9:15. I park in a closer location and put up my parkschein. (It's a little blue thing that shows when I got there. When you park on the street, you put that in your window instead of having a parking meter next to every space.) I try to go put money in the ticket machine so that I will be legal to park there. My coin jams in the slot. I try to push the button to get a free ticket for thirty minutes. It asks me to "Please numbers". I know what these words mean, but I do not understand. Whatever. I just leave it and go get my meds.

My meds are in. Again, not much information here. I ask if I need to clean the area before injecting. Yes. I buy some alcohol swabs and I'm on my way. No ticket on the car either. Success! I haul ass outta there.

When I get home, I open up the boxes. I've never seen any sort of medication dispensing pen like this before.
There are needles and a vial of medication and the pen thing, but I don't know how to put it all together. And the information packet with it is all, you guessed it, in German! Whatever, I'll get to it later. I head out to the library where I volunteer a couple of times a week.

At the library I ask if the German guy is there today. No. Does anyone else read German? Yes, H and J do. I explain I have some medication that is injectable and I'm not sure how to set it up. H offers to help me read the packet and put the thing together. She asks what it's for. I never know what to do in this situation. I don't want to tell everyone that I'm going to start jabbing myself with medicated needles at home to try and get pregnant, but I really don't know how the hell to put this thing together. I tell her it's personal, and that seems to be okay. To be honest though, I felt really rude.

After I finish at the library, I run home and grab my stuff. I run back to the library where H tries to help me. She's totally intimidated by the language because it's all technical medical stuff and advises me to go back to the pharmacy. I decide to go in the back and see if anyone there can help. M's "gentleman friend" is back there and has spent time nursing an ailing parent. I introduce myself (we've never met before) and ask him to help. He kindly does. I thank him profusely and leave.

Now I'm at home watching videos of follistim injections. I'm totally freaked out. DH offered yesterday to do the injections, but I'm going to be at a retreat this weekend, so I need to figure out how to do it on my own. Tomorrow is the first one. I'm nervous, but I'll try to keep the end in mind.

What a day.

CD 2