Dankbar Donnerstag: Willkommen oder Welcome

She's here! It's hard to believe that the baby I've hoped and prayed and waited for so long is here, sleeping like an angel in her bassinet. (She's tired from the five hour nurse/cry session last night.)

She did not come on 12/12/12. She came on 12/15/12, or as the Germans write it, 15/12/12.

I went in for my appointment on Thursday last week. At that point I was 10 days overdue. Dr. H said that it was probably best to induce, that waiting for labor to start on its own after 10 days was not usually the best course of action. Since very little was happening, we agreed. DH had insisted that we pack everything in the car for the doctor's appointment. I didn't want to, but we did and since we had everything, I was admitted and we started the induction.

At 11 am on Thursday the 13th, I was given my first dose of Cytotec orally. I was monitored every couple of hours for about 30 minutes to see how things were going. Nothing happened. I think that the midwife who gave me the first dose neglected to tell me how to take it because when I was given my second dose at 4 pm, I was told to put it under my tongue and let it dissolve. We did a few more rounds of monitoring, the last of which showed that I was having 30 second contractions about 3 to 4 minutes apart, which apparently aren't effective. Then I was able to go to bed and sleep from about 11 pm to when I woke up at 6 am the next morning. I didn't get a ton of sleep and was having contractions, but I managed a little.

When I went in for monitoring, my contractions had picked up and were effective. They were closer to a minute long and still 3 to 4 minutes apart. At about 8 that morning, I called my doula and she came down to help. I was still monitored every couple of hours at that point and things were moving, but not quickly. Then, the contractions started to taper off and everything slowed down. I was dilating, but very slowly and the contractions were ebbing away. Sometime in the afternoon of Friday the 14th I made the decision to start pitocin. I was given a low dose and moved to the labor room (before I had been in my hospital room) and under constant monitoring. The contractions started getting more intense. The pitocin was turned up. At one point, they broke my water. The contractions became nearly unbearable. At some point I vomited. At about 11 pm Friday night, I went ahead and got the epidural. I had really wanted to avoid this, but I was insensible with pain. After the epidural, things became much more manageable. I could still feel the contractions, mostly, but they didn't leave me screaming and crying. I had dilated to about 3 cm at this point.

DH and my doula were awesome. DH held my hand and slow danced with me and kept me drinking water and was a rock. When I was insensible with pain from the pitocin, DH helped me decide what to do. He was so amazing I can't even express it. And my doula was fantastic. If you ever wonder about whether a doula is a good idea or worth the money, I have to tell you that having her there was such a comfort to me, especially when I couldn't have my mom there. She was a fantastic advocate and I would hire her again in a heartbeat.

After the epidural and another check and maybe an hour or so, Dr H came in a told me that he thought I should have a c-section. I'm a little embarrassed by my reaction. I was laying in bed and screamed, "Noooo!" It's everything that I was hoping to avoid. We are moving starting January 2nd and the thought of moving with a newborn and recovering from a c-section had terrified me for weeks. I could not imagine that becoming a reality.

My doula was incensed and lit into Dr H. I didn't like the way she fought with him, but I was glad she was speaking out for me. I kept saying to DH, "I don't want a c-section! I don't want a c-section!" and he said back to me, "I know. I know!" It was a nightmare.

After some heated discussion, it was decided that we would wait two more hours and then see how things progressed and if the baby would move down into my pelvis so that she could put pressure on my cervix and open things up. So we waited. I squatted, I got on my hands and knees, my doula did rebozo sifting on my belly; we did everything. After about five hours, the midwife came back in and checked me again and said I had dilated to 5 cm, but the baby still hadn't dropped. She also was getting a swollen bump on her head from trying to get down into my pelvis and not being able to. I was exhausted. DH and the doula were as well. We had done all we could possibly do. The baby was not in distress, was still doing just fine with heart rate, but I was concerned that will that swelling if she wasn't born soon that she would be in distress. I have maintained throughout this pregnancy that the end result I'm looking for is a healthy baby. I decided to have the c-section.

I was in floods of tears. I cried while signing the consent form. I did not want to do it, but I felt like it was the best option. With the swelling on her head I didn't want to get further in and then have her in distress and end up doing a c-section anyway.

They rolled me into the operating room. I was numb from the waist down. I kept thinking to myself that here it is, my first time in a hospital, and I'm having surgery. It was all I could do to keep from weeping. They moved me over to a bed that had separate sections for my arms and legs and strapped me down. There was a curtain placed at my chest level. I felt someone washing my belly and upper thighs and someone shaving the top of my pubic hair. There were a ton of people in the operating room. DH was supposed to be there with me, but I couldn't find him. Eventually, I heard him say, "I'm here." He came and sat down next to me. Dr H started with the incision. I could feel that something was happening, but there was no pain. I felt some tugging and then a forearm pushing the baby down from where she was sitting around my rib cage. Dr H told DH to stand up, and then he must have pulled her out of me because DH looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "We're parents!" It was 5:40 Saturday morning, the 15th. The first thing I heard from the OR staff was "Schwer Mädchen". Heavy girl. There was a little delay while they cleaned her off, and then they brought her over to me and I got to look at her. She had a full head of dark hair and was looking at me inquisitively. Then, after maybe 30 seconds, they took her away and DH left and I was sew up. I was so exhausted from the previous two days, that I just closed my eyes.

After a while, they wheeled me over to another room and moved me onto my hospital bed using a lift. Then they took me back downstairs and into the room where I had been laboring. DH had the baby and handed her over to me and I fed her. She latched on right away and ate like a champ. After a little while, they wheeled me back to our room and I spent most of the day sleeping. I couldn't feel anything for several hours, and then when I could I wished for the numbness back. It was quite painful. The nurses got me out of bed that evening and had me walk a few steps. I was only wearing a sleep nursing bra and the lovely mesh panties and compression stockings. I had a catheter in. There is a large loss of dignity in birth.

The next few days were long. The last night in the hospital, the baby cried and cried. I discovered that I don't do well with a crying baby. We got home from the hospital on Tuesday. We had been there five days.

9lbs 11oz, 21.25 inches long oder
4400 grams, 54 centimenters long.

It's an adjustment. I love how cute she is, but I'm still getting to know her. I don't feel that overwhelming love that is talked about all of the time. Sometimes I wonder why I wanted this so badly. I tell myself that things will get better with time. I cry often. I'm trying. But, today, I am thankful. This is my Thankful Thursday. I am thankful for my little Bee.

Wie lange? oder How long?

How long? This is the question that I keep getting asked.

Today, December 3rd, is my due date. A little more than 38 weeks ago I had done my trigger shot and was just hoping that this would work, but not believing that it would. But it did! And here I sit, very pregnant, on the brink of one of the biggest changes that I will ever experience in my life. I still marvel at this fact.

So, how long? I never expected that I would give birth on or before my due date. In fact, when I was told December 3rd, I automatically thought December 10th. But modern medicine being what it is, I am behind the power curve and am expected to hurry up and perform!

When I went in for my appointment today, we did the normal non-stress test. Spawnette was deeper in than usual and a little lazy for the monitor, but still healthy enough that the doctor is happy. I'm getting really tired of those non-stress tests, let me tell ya! Dr. H checked my cervix, and everything is still closed up tight.

Then we did another ultrasound. She has not engaged in my pelvis, something that I could have told you without an ultrasound. Dr. H seemed concerned about this. He also said she is measuring at 8 lbs, 10 oz. This I take with a grain of salt that's about 2 lbs, the size that late term ultrasounds can be off (either way). He thinks that she may be too big to fit into my pelvis. I think that he doesn't realize that she's just not ready. He said we could wait, or do a trial labor, or schedule a c-section.

I'm still (relatively) comfortable and I'm in no hurry, so I said wait. I'm going back in on Thursday for another appointment, where I'm sure I'll be told that we should really consider some medical intervention.

Here's the thing: when my mom had me, I was born 20 days after her due date. Now, I suspect that there was some miscalculation and since there was no ultrasound done, that due date was a guess as much as anything. No question, I was overdue since I pooped while inside, but I was not huge. All of my aunts were overdue as well. This is a long(ha!)-standing tradition in my family. So, given that, I am content to wait. My plan is to wait until next Wednesday. To give myself and spawnette time, and also because how cool would it be if she was born on 12/12/12?

So, we will wait. And I will try to be polite, but insistent with my doctor. And try not to think too much about the what-ifs. And enjoy the last few days of freedom.

I'm not in a hurry, but I do look forward to meeting my daughter.

Kopf nach unten und bewegen Belastungen oder head down and moving stresses

I meant to get to this earlier in the week, but it didn't happen. Fortunately (for you) I cannot sleep, so I'll write this post now!

Last week at my 37 week appointment spawnette was breech. Dr. H didn't have any suggestions as to what might help, so I talked to my doula and she gave me several suggestions. Monday night, I only slept about 3 hours in total. Tuesday I tried to get moxibustion (more on this later), but they were just doing acupuncture at the hospital. I did get in the chiropractor on Tuesday. I was also doing inversions, as suggested by my doula. And playing classical music in my pants (which DH thought was hilarious). And using a hot pack down low and an ice pack up high. And pushing on spawnette's head. And talking to her. Basically whatever I could come up with that was safe. Or, relatively.

Tuesday night I actually got some sleep, which was great after feeling like a zombie all day the day before. I woke up Wednesday feeling kind of crappy and weird, but went on with my day. I was able to get ahold of the midwives at my hospital on Wednesday morning and schedule the moxibustion. I can't find a good link for this, but if you google it, you'll find some descriptions. Basically, the practitioner takes an incense stick the size of a cigar of mugwort, gets it good and glowing, and holds it at the outside corner of your pinkie toe at your bladder 67 point. I did this while on my elbows and knees with a midwife at my hospital. After ten minutes, the midwife did a check with palpation and said the baby had turned. Then I sat on the heartbeat monitor for 20 minutes. Usually spawnette is very active, but she seemed to be tired and taking a nap. It was good enough for the midwives though.

Monday I went in for another appointment and Dr. H checked via ultrasound, and she had turned! I was so relieved. Now I'm a tiny bit paranoid that she'll decide to turn back, but I think it will be pretty hard for her to accomplish at this point.

This week has been very busy. I've been working since last week on getting food put away in the freezer for when spawnette arrives since we will be on our own. Monday I did some more cooking and was on my feet most of the day. Tuesday, I did acupuncture and my last appointment with the chiropractor until after the birth, as well as cleaning and then a murder mystery dinner with friends that night. I didn't sleep much Tuesday night because of what was coming on Wednesday.

Wednesday, DH and I drove up to the place we will be moving to at the beginning of February. We have to find housing there, and the sooner the better. The only snag is that with us not moving for a couple of months landlords, understandably, can be hesitant about waiting to get a place filled until then. I only got about five hours of sleep Wednesday night, broken into two segments. We left home at 7 am and returned about 4:30 pm. We looked at three places. None of them are as big as the place we are in now, but there were a couple that could work. The first place had an especially good location and parking spaces for two cars, which is a luxury in town. We asked about that place and the gal at the housing office called the landlady. She said she would have to talk it over with her husband. The second bedroom in that place is very small, but will work well for an infant. My hope is that they understand that and will be willing to wait for us. We are supposed to hear back tomorrow. Otherwise, we will possibly drive back up on Friday to see another place. I had really hoped Friday would be a day to relax. We'll see.

So, with the stress of that, I slept last night from 10 until about 2 this morning. At 2:30, I turned on my light and read for about 45 minutes. (DH and I are in separate beds until spawnette arrives. It's just too crowded with all the pillows I am using, and I move around way too much.) Then I tried to sleep for another 45 minutes. No dice. So, now I'm up writing this. It's about 5 am now. At 1 pm, we will have somewhere between 10 and 12 adults coming for Thanksgiving along with 4 or so babies and at least one kid. I am not cooking the turkey, thank heavens. I do have some things to make today, but I'm hoping everyone will be out of here by 6 pm.

So, that's been the last week or so. Sorry about the novel. I'm stressed by the moving situation and needed to get it out. I would like something to be resolved there so that I can get a good night's sleep before I have real reason to be up at all hours.

To my American friends, Happy Thanksgiving!

Hinterteil oder breech

Yesterday I went for my 37 week appointment. All was good. Baby's active, I'm feeling good. (I went for an eight and a half mile walk on Friday!) Everything was hunky-dory until Dr. H pulled out the ultrasound. He put the wand up on the right side of my abdomen underneath of my ribs and-BAM!-there was spawnette's head. Shit.

At 31 weeks she was head down, so at some point in the past month and a half, she has decided she likes being close to my heart. How sweet! But, also, not good in terms of a natural birth.

Dr. H said that we will take a look again next week, that she still has time to turn. He said that if she is still breech in ten days or so we'll have to schedule a C-section. Ugh.

I'm trying to keep the end in mind. I've been through this whole process looking for a healthy baby. She's healthy! (7 lbs 4 oz by yesterday's estimate and moving all the time.) In a few months or years, it won't matter how she got here, just that we have her. But....

I have thought about what it would be like to give birth for the longest time. For at least the eleven years DH and I have been married, and certainly some as a teenager and child surrounded by aunts who shared their birth stories often. I found a doula to help me through labor and delivery before my first trimester was over. I've been taking any birth classes offered and have read up on what to expect. German hospitals are supposed to be amazing for giving birth because they are almost like birthing centers in the States would be. They let you move around, they have water birth facilities, they give you walking epidurals. This is supposed to be a wonderful experience.

To have that all taken away and go straight to a C-section.....it just guts me. When other women are telling their harrowing tales of all the drama of birth, I would have to say, "Oh, she was breech. I had a C-section." It feels like a loss and a failure.

So, I'm doing headstands and playing music to my crotch and trying acupuncture and chiropractic help. I've got a cold pack strapped onto my belly where spawnette's head likes to hang out and am trying not to lean back and get comfortable, but instead to hang my belly down low and get her to turn. I'm hoping to God this works and I will get a chance to have my birth. Even if it's not perfect, even if it's messy and long and ends up in a C-section, I want the chance to try. I had to have major medical help to get this baby in here, but I'd like to get her out on my own.

So, anyone else doing headstands this week?

28 Wochen und keine Komplikationen oder 28 weeks and no complications

This Monday was my 28 week appointment. I am now being hooked up to the heartbeat monitor for spawnette and contraction monitor for me at each appointment. It kind of looks like a medieval torture device, but thankfully doesn't feel that way. I spent the twenty minutes or so sewing some hexagons together for a Grandmother's Flower Garden quilt. It was a nice way to pass the time, listening to her heartbeat and sewing.

Not my Grandmother's Flower Garden,
but similar.

I gained not quite 2 kilograms between this appointment and the last one. This is the first time that I've actually gained any remarkable weight. I was not thin to start with, so Dr H hasn't been concerned. This time though, he came in and said, "Getting bigger, huh?" Yes, doctor, yes I am. Thanks for that.

All my tests from last time came back clear, which was great news. No gestational diabetes and no anemia! Those were the ones I was most worried about. Dr H asked me how the yeast infection was. I told him it seemed to have gone away with treatment, but I thought it was back. Sure enough, as soon as he put me in the stirrups he confirmed this. So, another round of treatment I go. I also bought some probiotic pills and some trink joghurt to maybe help this problem. So, I guess that's a little complication, but a very minor one. Mostly, it's really annoying.

Yum?

Labor Day weekend, DH, my house guest and I took the train up to Berlin. We had a really good time. It was exhausting though. We walked and walked. I went back Saturday and Sunday to the apartment we were staying in and took a nap in the afternoon. The apartment was another story in itself.

I did not realize Berlin is so....gay friendly. The neighborhood we were in seemed gay fetish friendly, specifically. There were gay fetish cruising bars and leather clothing on display all around. And our apartment was decorated in black and silver with hooks in the ceiling and chains in the loft for said hooks. Was the neighborhood safe? Yes. The usual type of neighborhood that I would stay in....no.

So, that's the update for now. The weather is starting to turn here and I am so glad. The weeks of 90+ weather were making me crazy. Now we head on into fall and crisp nights. I'm looking forward to snuggling under blankets instead of sweating on top of the sheets.

Now, here are some pictures from Berlin.

My cousin, playing with her food.

Starting off the morning right.

Potsdamer Platz in Berlin

The Holocaust Memorial

The Brandenburg Gate

Pregnant cartwheels

The view from the top of the Victory Column

A mosaic on the ceiling of Kaiser Wilhelm Church

Aus dem Urlaub zurück oder back from vacation

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written. Since the last time DH and I went on a cruise in the Baltic Sea. We saw most of the Baltic capitals and even managed to go to the ballet in Saint Petersburg, which was amazing.

The week after we got back, it was time for the next OB appointment. This was the twenty week scan, so Dr. H took quite a while looking to make sure everything was measuring correctly. At this point they measure the circumference of the head and length of the femur to determine gestational age and any age within 10 days is considered normal. All the structures look normal. We could even see the bladder full of fluid because the spawn (that's our nickname) had been swallowing amniotic fluid. Then Dr. H told us what we had been anxiously waiting to hear: It's a girl! Both DH and I wanted a girl, so this is fantastic news!

I still don't feel like I look pregnant, just kinda fat. I think part of that is because I have been this big around before without a baby in there. I am still wearing my old pants, although my shirts are getting too short and I'm rotating some maternity tops in. I've gained less than five pounds since getting pregnant, but Dr. H doesn't seem concerned. That's just another thing that I love about German doctors.

I clearly have not been posting regularly, and don't know if I will get back to it or not. I feel like with the point of viability coming up in just a few more weeks I'm becoming confident at the prospect of bringing home a baby. If I keep writing, I think things will change a bit. Life is just different, although I still marvel at the fact that I'm pregnant and I think about how things were. Before one of our trips last month DH said to me that he realized that he hadn't woken up to the sound of the thermometer in a long time. It's a continual amazement.

So, I hope your summer is going well. Congrats to the ladies who finally have their BFPs out there! You've worked hard for it. Try to enjoy it. And those who haven't I'm rooting for you! I look forward to the day when I visit your blog and see your good news.

Happy Summer!

This is a Russian mosquito. We stayed in the room a lot in St. Petersburg.

I did cartwheels in most of the places we visited.
It just seemed like a fun thing to do!

I survey my queendom.

This was at the Vigeland Sculpture Park in Oslo.
One of the many interesting but slightly terrifying statues.

Zweiten OB Besuch oder second OB visit

ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG! WARNING! WARNING!
Lots of pregnancy talk today.

-----------------------------

Today is twelve weeks exactly. The last few days have been pretty good. And, if I can get through today without throwing up (and it's looking good so far), it will be a week since the last time I got sick. Woohoo!

DH was able to come to this visit. (If you remember from the last visit he wasn't able to be there.) It had been almost six weeks since he last saw my insides. I ran into a friend in the waiting room, so we chatted, which was nice. They weighed me this time and took my blood pressure. The blood pressure was pretty good. The best thing that I can say about the weight was that it was in kilograms instead of pounds and so it was a lot lower.

Then we saw Dr. H. He told me the results of my tests, which were good. Iron levels okay, no chlamydia. Good to know. I asked about a note for the cruise DH and I will be taking in a few weeks (more on that later). They'll give me the note next time. I then nervously asked if it would be okay to have a glass of champagne. Dr H said that an occasional drink would not cause any problems. I know there are people out there who would say that I shouldn't even ask, but hey, I'm in Europe and I have a German doctor. I'm going to go for the European experience. I told him I had lost some weight, and he said that in the first sixteen weeks, they don't expect much change in weight, so losing a little is okay. Then we went to the ultrasound.

It was with Wanda again, which honestly, I didn't mind. The picture is really clear and it's not uncomfortable, so whatever. I had planned to drink some orange juice just before the appointment, but didn't. It didn't matter. The blob is no longer a blob! There are two arms and two legs and we saw at least one hand that had all five fingers. There's a brain and a very visible (and audible) heartbeat (145). We even saw it moving around, which was really amazing. We saw the umbilical cord and the blood flow there. It's 55.6 mm, so just about two inches long. I'm amazed that only ten weeks after conception, this creature is fully formed and just needs to grow bigger and mature. It's not something that is yet to be. It is. A teeny, tiny human.

I've been feeling disconnection and disbelief. Seeing my baby (writing those words is unreal) kick and move its arms and legs makes me feel like this might really be real. There might really be a reason my pants are getting tight. It's possible the reason I've been feeling crappy is because there's a person that I'm growing. It's unbelievable, but I might be starting to believe it.

After the appointment, I went to the reception desk to make the next appointment. And, I got my Mutterpass! This is all of your medical records for your pregnancy. And, if you have more than one child in Germany, it will be for all of your pregnancies. You are to carry it with you at all times so that if there's a problem, the doctor will be able to look at your Mutterpass and know your pregnancy medical history. It is the symbol that you are really pregnant. And I have one!

I'm so happy right now. I can't stop smiling. This is really happening! And I am so thankful.

Erste OB Besuch und tiefe Gedanken oder first OB visit and deep thoughts

Today was my first visit with the OB, Dr. H. I went in and the receptionist/nurse asked me if I could urinate. Um, yes, yes I can. In fact I was about to ask you where the bathroom is. Then I sat in the waiting room which had English magazines! This was such a luxury. I brought some hand sewing with me, but promptly lost the needle so I needed the magazines.

I was shown into Dr. H's office and asked questions by the nurse. Had my cycles been regular? No. Am I on any medications? Still on Metformin. Was I still spotting? No, that stopped last week.

Then Dr. H came in. We discussed my history with Herr Doktor. I told him I wanted to stay on the Metformin if possible. He said that I could stay on it for a few more weeks, and then I need to go off. I said okay. I'm thinking if I start splitting pills so I can wean down, it might be okay. I asked if I could go to the sauna. He said that after the first trimester it's okay as long as I don't spend too long in there and I feel okay. Cool.

Then we went into the exam room. Dr. H works with lots of American patients, so they have more of a drape. Since he handed it to me, I went ahead and used it. And, with Herr Doktor it was just me and him in the exam room. Dr H's nurse came in too. He did a pap and then it was time for my date with Wanda. This time when the uterus was on the screen it was a lot easier to see the blob. Not much searching around for it. It is about the shape you would expect from a nine weeks pregnant picture online. Measuring nine weeks exactly. Heartbeat 161. I got to hear the heartbeat this time and I could really see it on the ultrasound clearly, whereas last time Frau Doktor was having to point it out to me. The he checked my ovaries and they looked good. They weren't all covered in cysts, which is good news.

Then I got dressed and the nurse and I went into another room for the blood draw. Now, I have been dreading this because I don't like doing blood draws and everyone talks about how much blood they take from you. She  was very good and I hardly felt the poke, but I jumped anyway because I'm wimpy. Then she took four vials of blood. Two big and two little. Not so bad! The way people have been talking, I thought it would be a pint!

The nurse and I went over to the desk and I made my next appointment for May 21st. DH will be able to come to that one (he's out of town on an exercise) and so it will be his first time hearing the heartbeat and it will have changed a lot in the almost six weeks since he'll have seen it. We might even be able to see it moving on the screen. That would be pretty cool.

Ok, deep thoughts time.

As far as all this pregnancy stuff goes, I'm doing okay, but I have to say I feel a little disconnected. I'm still on guard, worried about something happening. It feels surreal. The only thing that's really assuring me that it is real is the morning sickness that lasts all day and being tired all of the time. But even that's not that bad. I was tired all of the time like this on birth control. I'm grateful and so thankful but most of the time it doesn't even feel real. I'm just wondering when I will start feeling feelings for this blob. I know DH is going to want to talk about names soon. If it were up to me, I would wait until viability, but I know that that is really a bit kooky.

I'm just trying to wrap my head and heart around this. Some women say they loved their baby from the time that they knew they were pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to be pregnant and I am looking forward to meeting this blob when it's a baby, but I can't say that I feel love like I thought I would. I feel terrible even putting that into words, like it's a betrayal of everything I've gone through and infertility itself. I hope I start feeling more connected in the weeks and months to come. If I don't, what will I do? And how can I justify all of the things that I've been through to get me to this point if I don't feel the right feelings? Deep thoughts to ponder.