Infertility has changed me.

I finally have that BFP but it hasn't really sunk in. I just stopped charting today. I still occasionally POAS, just to check. I'm nervous because I haven't had any nausea. The only symptoms I've had are sore, slowly enlarging, boobs and a slower run time.

DH and I went in on Thursday for another ultrasound. Herr Doktor wanted to make sure there wasn't an ectopic pregnancy going into the long weekend. (The Germans have a four day this weekend because of Easter.) I now have a gestational sac that measured 9.2 mm. My beta was 6269 on Thursday, so that's progressing okay. Even with all of that, I can't claim the P word. I can't say it out loud.

I had coffee with a friend yesterday who is 7 weeks along. She was talking about how long it took (10 months) and how she's sort of obsessed because she's still doing the POAS thing and has eight pregnancy tests still at home. I think I have about forty. But, the thing that really struck me is that she's still confident she's pregnant. She hasn't heard a heartbeat yet or even had an ultrasound, just positive blood and urine tests. But, she knows she's really pregnant. She is sure of that fact.

I, on the other hand, do not think of myself that way, and probably won't until there's a heartbeat. Right now, I have a gestational sac and I can manage to get BFPs on home tests. I still find myself looking enviously at strollers and little kids toddling around playgrounds. Swollen bellies still throw me off. Hearing someone else's good news still makes me feel that happy for them, sad for me, thing. I actually had to remind myself the other day not to have a beer with dinner. It's a surreal feeling, like I'm having a boring dream with an exciting background note.

Infertility has indeed changed me. I don't think I will be confident until I bring a healthy baby home.

And that's when the real worrying starts.

Beta #2 and ultrasound/Ultrawelle

Monday has finally arrived. I don't think I've ever looked so forward to a Monday. DH and I went in together for the latest appointment with Herr Doktor, since Herr Doktor's secretary said we would be doing an ultrasound. Which we did. But, there was nothing to see. I saw the uterus, and it looked pretty much like it always does. We did not see anything in there though. Herr Doktor thinks it's too early, but he said, "I am convinced there is a pregnancy," which did make me feel better. I need to find out how to say congratulations in German, because the woman who was in the office before me is graduating to an OB and she looked so happy, I just wanted to say something. I smiled instead.

Meanwhile, I have continued to POAS most mornings and am still getting BFPs. The lines are getting progressively darker, so I'm still hopeful. It was a bit of a letdown though, not to see anything in there. I'll get the results of the beta this afternoon. Based on my last one, I'm hoping for 1,500 or higher. I'm trying not to focus on getting through the next week, which is how long I think it will be before the next appointment, but getting through the next few hours. This is proving difficult.

A seven week deployment, huh?
Photo credit:
dramaqueenmoments.tumblr.com/bitchplease

I went to the bakery and got some quarkbällchen for breakfast. I think I'll work on the Rosetta Stone for a while. Then I'll watch some TV and do some sewing. I am sewing a pocket onto a baby carrier for someone in our church. I'm doing the sewing by hand because it's easier than fussing with the carrier in the sewing machine. This woman, by the way, is one who got pregnant while "not even trying", is suffering through the long seven weeks that her husband is gone, and offered to let me borrow a dress for the ball, and when I pointed out that we aren't the same size, she let me know she wore it while pregnant, so it would probably fit me. Yeah. I don't know why I'm doing this little job for her, but I can tell you, it's not because I want her to be my best friend.

Enough complaining about fertiles (for now). I'll post an update with the beta once I get it. Fingers crossed!

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Update: Beta 2426! Doubling time of 37.97 hours. I was hoping for anything over 1500, so I'm pretty stoked. Back to Herr Doktor on Thursday for another ultrasound.

Diese Woche schleppt oder this week is dragging!

Or your Monday realizing it's only Wednesday

A week is a long time to wait until the next beta.

I have continued to POAS every morning. This morning, the line was slightly lighter than yesterday's line, which was the darkest I've had so far from the cheapies. I went to the commissary yesterday and bought 6 dollar tests and did one of those too this morning. That one has a decent line, so that makes me feel a little better. I ordered more cheapies last week before the news and am waiting for those so that I can do more obsessive testing more cheaply.

Other than that, I'm a little nervous at my lack of symptoms. I know it's very early, but the only thing I've really got going on is sore boobs. I've had a tiny bit of nausea and have been grazing a lot to try and help that. Oh, and I'm pretty sure I've got the start of a yeast infection, which means that my hormones are out of whack and I'm eating yogurt. (I used to get a yeast infection every other month on Clomid.) Other than that, nothing's going on.

I've been having bad dreams about my temps dropping (I'm still temping), but they are still mostly up, although not climbing.

DH is gone for the week. I wish he were here to reassure me. We don't normally talk very much when he's gone, but I may call him tonight to see how he's doing.

I'm keeping busy sewing and helping out at the library, alternately thinking about what's going on and trying not to think about it at all. I'm terrified of losing this pregnancy. I'm not even thinking of myself as pregnant. I just can't yet. Until I hear a heartbeat I'm trying to protect myself. Even then, I'm not sure that it will feel real.

The one concession I've made to the news is to wear my cute, more expensive than the usual jeans more often. They are fairly tight and it's possible that I won't be able to wear them in a little while, so I'm trying to get my money's worth out of them.

Only 5 more days until my next beta, and it cannot come soon enough!

CD 31, 19 dp trigger

Sehr frühe Schwangerschaft

This is a difficult post to write. I've been avoiding it since last week. I just got off the phone with my mom.

You may have noticed that I've been a little vague the last few days. That was partly because it was the weekend and I was busy, and partly because I haven't known how to share this news with you. I've read this on other blogs and it has made my heart sink and my guts wrench.

I got a BFP.

I thought that I was seeing lines on the cheapies, so I went and got a box of three FRER tests. I tested on Friday again, like I had been testing all week. I saw the line on the cheapie, but DH didn't see it. So, before he left, I went up to my saved FMU (gross, I know) and dipped in the FRER. After a few minutes, there was a faint line. I showed it to DH and he saw the line too.

I tested again on Saturday with a FRER and got a darker line. Of course, DH and I have been very excited while simultaneously terrified of anything going wrong. I've been testing with cheapies the last couple of days and am still seeing faint lines, although they are getting a little darker. Today I went in for the blood test, and it was positive. Beta is 113. I go in next week for another blood test and an ultrasound to see if there is a heart beat.

I started this blog because I was tired of seeing other people's TTC journey's come to an end. I would follow along with them, and then, when they got that BFP, I would stop reading or just to the blog version of the face.book lurk. I decided that I needed a way to tell my story, even if it was to the ethernet and no one else.

Now, here I am with the thing that I have been working for, hoping and praying for and I feel a little bad about starting this blog. It will probably change in tone if those lines keep showing up. I am excited, but terrified at the same time. Not of being a mother, but of finally getting my BFP and not getting a baby at the end of it. This blog is one of the first in line for getting the news, after DH, my mom, and a couple of good friends. I don't intend on telling anyone else before hearing a heartbeat, and maybe not even then. I may wait a while longer just to be sure this thing isn't going anywhere.

If you have been reading and decide to stop, I completely understand. I've enjoyed having this one-sided conversation and will go on with it for as long as it feels like a good thing to do. If you decide to stick with me, great! I hope to hear more from you as the time goes on.

So, that's my news. On a personal front, I am ecstatic, but any readers have been on my mind because I know how it feels for me to here someone else's good news. I hope to be sensitive and I hope you'll be understanding.

Thank you.

CD 29, 17 dp trigger. BFP, beta 113.