Things are

Bee and I just got back from visiting my parents in Montana on Tuesday morning after two very long flights with one very awake little girl. Bee slept a total of 1:20 in about 20 hours. She is a determined one! I'm very glad to be home and to be getting closer to done with jet lag.

My grandmother passed away in July and the funeral was while we were home, so it was great to be able to attend that and help my mom out with some of the planning. Bee loved the party atmosphere and kept asking to have a party every day, even after people had left. She came out of her shell with my family and opened up, which was wonderful to see.

Bee starts German kindergarten in 16 days. It's more like daycare than kindergarten as Americans know it. Boy am I ready for her to go! She has so much energy and wants to, as she puts it, "play and play and play!" It wears me out, especially since there's no family here to help me out.

On the baby #2 front, things are not looking good. I did one cycle with a doctor in Nuremberg, but I knew from around CD 16 it was not going to work. He increased my dosage, he had me continue injections, but I just felt that it was doomed. I did the trigger on CD 22 and got my period a day or two after I arrived in the States, on the same day a good friend got her positive test after a miscarriage. So hard.

While I was home my cousin, who got pregnant with her son while I was doing treatments for Bee, told me that she was going to plan on having another baby when her husband gets home from deployment. The fact that it could be that easy for some people is another kind of blow. Just hearing that again, it's tough.

It doesn't help that youtube and the rest of the internet knows what I'm thinking and I'm being bombarded with pregnancy and ovulation test ads. Lay off internet!!!

DH and I talked about things before I left. I think we are going to be done. Done trying, done hoping against hope. Done fighting with the insurance company. Done with injections and scrambling for childcare for fertility appointments. Just done. I keep hoping for a miracle, but I don't see one on the horizon.

After this cycle that I am currently on in which my body starting producing beautiful EWCM the day before I flew home and has yet to drop an egg, DH will be scheduling a vasectomy. I want to let go of this part and enjoy life as it is. Stop thinking about the sibling that is not coming.

So, that's the plan. On to life with an only child!

I'm driving myself crazy aka Ich mache mich verrückt

Ah, the two week wait. The time that I go from being a rational (ha!) person to someone who pees in cups and then saves that pee for a couple of hours just in case I decide to test again.

I tested on Friday morning before DH and I left for vacation. The night before I had had some weird twingy pains in my left side; it felt like near my fallopian tube. I figured it was from sitting too long because I had been in the car a lot that day. Since we were going on vacation and I expected to be drinking, I tested just in case. It was super early. I got a positive that even DH saw. I decided though, that it was still leftovers from the trigger the week before. I took a couple tests with us.

Is that a line? Nope, just a cat hair.

I tested Saturday morning and got another, fainter positive. I didn't test Sunday or Monday. I tested yesterday and, while I saw a line, DH didn't see anything. I am notorious for seeing lines where there aren't any. I tested again today. The first test was hard to read because it had been banged around in my backpack while traveling, so I decided that was inconclusive. The second test (taken from my FMU after DH went to work) I thought I might have seen a line, but like I said, I am good at imaginary lines. I think this overactive imagination comes from being an only child.

Then I broke out the big guns. I took a Clear Blue Digital. I bought these yesterday when I was picking up cat food. I've never used one before, but they are all kind of the same. I kept telling myself it would be a BFN. It was. Shocker.

Not my tests, though I may be this crazy.

I decided to order some more cheapies off of Amazon. I only ordered 25, because I shouldn't need that many and I didn't order any ovulation tests because I'm hoping that I won't need those again. I like to torture myself by looking at other people's positive tests, so I was looking through the pictures of these tests on Amazon. I showed DH this picture from Amazon to show him that I am not alone in my craziness. The "approximately" in the time past o made me laugh. If it were 7days 9hrs, maybe that would be the difference. But, I save my pee for hours and hustle my husband out of the house so I can do another test, so am I really any more sane?

So, today it'll be another day of trying not to think about my uterus. I'm going to work in my sewing room. I should go running, but I just really don't feel like it, so I'm not going to unless I feel like it later.

Tomorrow I'll be back at the library morning and evening to help out. Friday night is the ball (ugh, balls) that DH is dragging me to. Saturday I have a class in a town about an hour away. Hopefully today will be the day that I have to most chance to be crazy and subsequent days I will be too busy. I'll try not to go cross eyed looking at my latest test.

CD 23, 12dp trigger