tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53700673570746158232024-03-13T18:19:43.367+01:00Sinking in a World of IFStill Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.comBlogger69125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-40245168634659941972015-08-29T21:21:00.000+02:002015-08-29T21:21:11.476+02:00Things are Bee and I just got back from visiting my parents in Montana on Tuesday morning after two very long flights with one very awake little girl. Bee slept a total of 1:20 in about 20 hours. She is a determined one! I'm very glad to be home and to be getting closer to done with jet lag. <br /><br />My grandmother passed away in July and the funeral was while we were home, so it was great to be able to attend that and help my mom out with some of the planning. Bee loved the party atmosphere and kept asking to have a party every day, even after people had left. She came out of her shell with my family and opened up, which was wonderful to see.<br /><br />Bee starts German kindergarten in 16 days. It's more like daycare than kindergarten as Americans know it. Boy am I ready for her to go! She has so much energy and wants to, as she puts it, "play and play and play!" It wears me out, especially since there's no family here to help me out.<br /><br />On the baby #2 front, things are not looking good. I did one cycle with a doctor in Nuremberg, but I knew from around CD 16 it was not going to work. He increased my dosage, he had me continue injections, but I just felt that it was doomed. I did the trigger on CD 22 and got my period a day or two after I arrived in the States, on the same day a good friend got her positive test after a miscarriage. So hard.<br />
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While I was home my cousin, who got pregnant with her son while I was doing treatments for Bee, told me that she was going to plan on having another baby when her husband gets home from deployment. The fact that it could be that easy for some people is another kind of blow. Just hearing that again, it's tough.<br /><br />It doesn't help that youtube and the rest of the internet knows what I'm thinking and I'm being bombarded with pregnancy and ovulation test ads. Lay off internet!!!<br />
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DH and I talked about things before I left. I think we are going to be done. Done trying, done hoping against hope. Done fighting with the insurance company. Done with injections and scrambling for childcare for fertility appointments. Just done. I keep hoping for a miracle, but I don't see one on the horizon.<br />
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After this cycle that I am currently on in which my body starting producing beautiful EWCM the day before I flew home and has yet to drop an egg, DH will be scheduling a vasectomy. I want to let go of this part and enjoy life as it is. Stop thinking about the sibling that is not coming.<br />
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So, that's the plan. On to life with an only child!Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-46429501352049326172015-06-26T21:09:00.002+02:002015-06-26T21:09:48.261+02:00UpdateBee is officially 2.5. Amazing. Driving me crazy on a regular basis. Starts German kindergarten in 67 days.<br /><br />Last Friday I went to a specialist in Nuremberg for further fertility treatment. I had a big, fat 22.5 mm follie, so he popped that baby with a trigger shot. I'm supposed to pick up some FSH to start using if I have another cycle, or if I do not bleed, go in for a blood test 6 July.<br />
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I have mixed feelings about having another one. I grew up an only child, so I can see the positives of that, as well as the negatives. I always wanted a sibling. But on the side of being the parent, I am almost free. Bee is potty trained. She can dress herself, feed herself. She's even occasionally helpful by doing things like putting her laundry in her basket upstairs or helping to load the dishwasher. Having another baby means that I will be back to square one. Diapers and spit up and waking up four times a night.<br /><br />I'm still giving it until September, but I could totally be content with the life we have now.Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-91499094531497457822015-05-30T16:02:00.000+02:002015-05-30T16:04:17.442+02:00Trying again. Bee is two, almost 2 1/2. Last April, DH and I started not preventing, just to see what would happen. I got another prescription for Metformin, although I didn't really take any. Life went along. My cycles were fairly regular for a while, and then slowly but surely they got longer. This March I went to my new doctor in a new town (we moved again within Germany last July). I told her we had been trying a year with no success. I was referred to a gyn. I did one cycle where I showed up with a 16mm follicle and got a trigger shot within a couple of days. No luck. The next cycle (the current one) I got the vag cam a couple of times. At CD 16, my biggest follicle was 10 mm. So, now I'm on CD 41, having ovulated last weekend. I have a referral to an infertility specialist in Nuremberg for 19 June, the day after we get back from vacation. I don't have high hopes because I'll be 2ish weeks into that cycle and I'm leaving in August to go back to the States for three weeks to visit my parents. And if I have another baby, I want it to be in Germany because of several various reasons.<br />
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So this is my plan. I will give it until 1 October of this year/finish out whatever treatment I'm on as of 1 October. If nothing happens, I'll go back to not preventing. If still nothing happens (which it probably won't), then we'll close up shop and be happy with one.Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-1923656963077127522013-12-15T05:40:00.000+01:002013-12-15T05:40:00.042+01:00Ein Jahr später or One year laterToday Bee is one year old. It's been a year that's gone much to slow and much too fast. They say "The days are long, but the years are short," and oh, how true it is.<br /><br />Bee is walking, signing, drinking out of a cup on her own, putting her pajamas in the laundry basket (and then taking them back out). When you compare her to the baby of a year ago it's hard to believe how much she's changed.<br />
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She's still waking up once a night. She is occasionally very clingy and annoying. But, mostly she's a lot of fun to be around. I am so glad to have her. So thankful.<br />
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DH and I are discussing trying for another one, but we have decided that we won't go the ART route. Whatever happens, happens. For now we are using birth control because I don't want two under two. Maybe April or so we'll pull the goalie.<br />
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Until then I hug my girl to me and tell her everyday that I love her. She has changed our lives and I am so glad to have her.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">October</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">November</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">December</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">December</td></tr>
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Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-34951070244543719962013-05-13T08:46:00.000+02:002013-05-13T08:46:58.153+02:00Meine erste Mutterstag oder My first Mother's DayI meant to post this on Mother's Day, but got distracted. Oh, well.<br />
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Little Bee has been around almost five months now. She's rolling over (both ways) and is working on sitting up. It's amazing how much she's changed in such a short time. She's been sleeping through the night (eleven to twelve hours) for about three weeks. It's amazing.<br />
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Spring has been cloudy here in Germany, but we're finally seeing some warmer weather. The ice cream shop and the restaurant across the square both have tables outside. DH and I have had ice cream once Bee is asleep for the night once or twice. Last week, there was Schlemmerwoche in my town and all the wine sellers in town had little restaurants. One evening, DH and I went to one that was within range of the baby monitor after Bee was down. The move in January was hard, but this place is great. </div>
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Sunday is Mother's Day and I can't really believe that I get to be part of this for the first time. Now that things are getting better, I am enjoying being a mother and getting to experience things that I had hoped for and dreamed of while I was trying to get pregnant. Smiles, coos, occasional laughter. Snuggles and kisses. All those wonderful things. Today I had to remind myself that sometimes when people do not smile, they might have another reason for it. I had my fair share of time scowling at women with babies. </div>
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Life is lots different, but in some ways still the same. It's still not perfect, but there are moments that make everyday great. </div>
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Happy Mother's Day! To those that are mothers now and those that are still on their way to motherhood.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's hard to read, but her jammies say "kleine Nacht-Eule",<br />
little night owl.</td></tr>
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Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-6429813222229245532013-03-27T15:32:00.001+01:002013-03-27T15:41:26.835+01:00Es wird noch besser oder it gets betterFor weeks, months, people kept telling me that this whole parent thing would get better. It was to the point that I told my husband that the next person that told me that I was going to sock them in the mouth. I was so sick of hearing it. But, you know what? It's true.<br />
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I don't know if it's just that I'm getting better at being a parent, or if Bee is getting better at being alive, but it seems like in the past couple of weeks, we have turned a corner. We've been doing a nighttime routine for several weeks now, but in the past couple of weeks we've (I've) started a nap time routine and I am now getting some time to myself back. Bee is starting to laugh on a regular basis, which is awesome. The weather is getting better. It is getting better. This is the kind of stuff I imagined when I thought about being a mom.<br />
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I didn't imagine my husband going out of town for a week and me immediately coming down with a fever and then (ahem) unpleasant intestinal issues. Not fun, but I survived.<br />
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Also, I've been doing the cry it out. Don't judge me! It works for me. If something else works for you, more power to you. I needed to get some time to myself during the day and a longer stretch of sleep at night and not be getting up at 12 and 4 am to socialize and again at 6 am for the day. That isn't happening (regularly) anymore.<br />
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The weather is still cold, but it's warmer and I occasionally see sunshine. The ice cream shop across the market square has its tables and chairs out for the season. I'm getting out about once a week to see other moms. Life is good. And it's getting better.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not enjoying our time out at the Easter market.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">But maybe enjoying being in Mommy's arms.</td></tr>
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How is life with you?Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-47140461034004872632013-02-11T09:08:00.001+01:002013-02-11T09:08:32.068+01:00Eight weeks postpartumSo, now I have an eight week old. It's nearly impossible to believe sometimes. There are moments when I almost forget she is here. I also am having a hard time realizing that a little more than eight weeks ago, I was hugely pregnant. I look at the pictures, and it seems like a dream. I understand why people say you forget these things and that's why you do it again.<br />
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I'm still having a hard time accepting that the c-section was the right decision. In my head, I know it's true, but my heart tells me different. I'm still physically hurting from it and still bleeding. DH and I did the PODO a couple of times before six weeks postpartum and it was excruciating. When I went to see Dr. H for my 6 week postpartum checkup, he said that we should wait some more, but that the pain was normal. It sucks.<br />
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Dr. H also said that I should not get pregnant again within a year of Bee's birth and c-section. That was hard to hear. I don't know that I even want another baby because Bee is challenging (thus why I haven't been doing blog posts), but to hear that I can't even try...it broke my heart a little. After trying so hard to get Bee, it would be nice to be able to "just" get pregnant if there is another one. Not having the option for at least a year feels lousy. It's another way the c-section robbed me of something.<br />
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Other than that, life is starting to get easier. We moved when Bee was 3 weeks old, which I would not recommend. It was very cold out, but I was outside nursing Bee in my Moby (yay for hands-free nursing!), directing the movers while DH was in the apartment putting things together while we had the movers' help because I was not able to lift heavy things. We are all unpacked as of a week or so ago. Eleven years in the Army make for organized people. Once everything got unpacked, I started to feel better.<br />
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I also gave up on trying to get Bee on a schedule. I had read all of these books about how to get your baby to be on a schedule from the beginning and really wanted to try it, despite multiple people telling me that it would take some time. My moment of clarity came when I had been trying to get Bee down for a nap for about 2 hours, and then it was eating time, so I was trying to feed her and she was falling asleep and I was trying to get her to wake up. It just clicked that that made no sense whatsoever. So, since then I've been trying to go with the flow. Some days it works better than others. I'm hoping that as Bee gets a little older, I'll be able to coax her on to a flexible schedule and not be subject to her dictatorial whims.<br />
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It's still really hard, and there are very few moments of reward, but occasionally she gives a little love back.<br />
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<br />Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-39003935630307920512013-01-06T08:53:00.002+01:002013-01-06T08:53:36.012+01:00Neugeborenen blues und bewegen woes oder newborn blues and moving woesWow, life with a newborn is rough.<br />
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I've been keeping up with the blogs of others who are still in the trenches. I've been refraining from commenting, "Don't do it! It's a trap! Save yourself before you DO get pregnant and it's too late!", but just by a hair. I remember being there not that long ago and anyone who would've told me that would've been on my shit list.<br />
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But, it's been rough. Bee seems to be a mostly angry baby. There have been many several hour stretches of crying (hers and mine) and desperation to get her to sleep and get her on some kind of a schedule. Yesterday was a glimpse though of what life might be like if we can understand her better. She slept eight hours through the night and then took two or three naps during the day. In between she was alert and interactive. She seemed to even enjoy life. Last night though, DH thought she was hungry at about two, when he heard her making noises. I hadn't heard her, but I figured I was just tired and so got up and tried to feed her. After 50 minutes of bobbing on and off, we figured she was still tired and had just been making those noises babies do in her sleep. We took turns until I got up with her for the day about seven this morning. She slept a little during that time, but not much. It was a long, long night.<br />
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Also, we are moving this week. The Army, in all it's wisdom, has decided that we need to move about an hour away because DH's job is moving to a new location. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad it's only up the autobahn a ways, but it still involves having everything packed up and unpacked and sleeping on the floor and no dishes to cook with and all the other things involved in moving. The Army is dictating this move, so they will be packing us, but there's still lots to do, and it's really hard to do things with a screaming newborn in your arms.<br />
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By this time next week, all of our stuff should be in the new place. Bee will be four weeks old and hopefully we can start settling into a routine. Maybe there will even be some sleep between now and then, for all of us.<br />
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Happy New Year!Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-55258262261353004452012-12-27T13:06:00.000+01:002012-12-27T13:06:36.264+01:00Absolutely positiveJust a quick post here as I am typing with one hand while Bee eats. We are going to be moving in the next few weeks, finishing up by the middle of next month. In preparation for said move I have been cleaning things up. This is what I found in one drawer. I held onto my positive HPTs so that as I was feeling nervous about the pregnancy I could look at them and remind myself that I was, indeed, pregnant.<br />
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I think those tests might really be positive.Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-55758742467488534252012-12-20T15:50:00.001+01:002012-12-20T15:50:10.501+01:00Dankbar Donnerstag: Willkommen oder WelcomeShe's here! It's hard to believe that the baby I've hoped and prayed and waited for so long is here, sleeping like an angel in her bassinet. (She's tired from the five hour nurse/cry session last night.)<br />
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She did not come on 12/12/12. She came on 12/15/12, or as the Germans write it, 15/12/12.<br />
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I went in for my appointment on Thursday last week. At that point I was 10 days overdue. Dr. H said that it was probably best to induce, that waiting for labor to start on its own after 10 days was not usually the best course of action. Since very little was happening, we agreed. DH had insisted that we pack everything in the car for the doctor's appointment. I didn't want to, but we did and since we had everything, I was admitted and we started the induction.<br />
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At 11 am on Thursday the 13th, I was given my first dose of Cytotec orally. I was monitored every couple of hours for about 30 minutes to see how things were going. Nothing happened. I think that the midwife who gave me the first dose neglected to tell me how to take it because when I was given my second dose at 4 pm, I was told to put it under my tongue and let it dissolve. We did a few more rounds of monitoring, the last of which showed that I was having 30 second contractions about 3 to 4 minutes apart, which apparently aren't effective. Then I was able to go to bed and sleep from about 11 pm to when I woke up at 6 am the next morning. I didn't get a ton of sleep and was having contractions, but I managed a little.<br />
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When I went in for monitoring, my contractions had picked up and were effective. They were closer to a minute long and still 3 to 4 minutes apart. At about 8 that morning, I called my doula and she came down to help. I was still monitored every couple of hours at that point and things were moving, but not quickly. Then, the contractions started to taper off and everything slowed down. I was dilating, but very slowly and the contractions were ebbing away. Sometime in the afternoon of Friday the 14th I made the decision to start pitocin. I was given a low dose and moved to the labor room (before I had been in my hospital room) and under constant monitoring. The contractions started getting more intense. The pitocin was turned up. At one point, they broke my water. The contractions became nearly unbearable. At some point I vomited. At about 11 pm Friday night, I went ahead and got the epidural. I had really wanted to avoid this, but I was insensible with pain. After the epidural, things became much more manageable. I could still feel the contractions, mostly, but they didn't leave me screaming and crying. I had dilated to about 3 cm at this point.<br />
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DH and my doula were awesome. DH held my hand and slow danced with me and kept me drinking water and was a rock. When I was insensible with pain from the pitocin, DH helped me decide what to do. He was so amazing I can't even express it. And my doula was fantastic. If you ever wonder about whether a doula is a good idea or worth the money, I have to tell you that having her there was such a comfort to me, especially when I couldn't have my mom there. She was a fantastic advocate and I would hire her again in a heartbeat.<br />
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After the epidural and another check and maybe an hour or so, Dr H came in a told me that he thought I should have a c-section. I'm a little embarrassed by my reaction. I was laying in bed and screamed, "Noooo!" It's everything that I was hoping to avoid. We are moving starting January 2nd and the thought of moving with a newborn and recovering from a c-section had terrified me for weeks. I could not imagine that becoming a reality.<br />
<br />
My doula was incensed and lit into Dr H. I didn't like the way she fought with him, but I was glad she was speaking out for me. I kept saying to DH, "I don't want a c-section! I don't want a c-section!" and he said back to me, "I know. I know!" It was a nightmare.<br />
<br />
After some heated discussion, it was decided that we would wait two more hours and then see how things progressed and if the baby would move down into my pelvis so that she could put pressure on my cervix and open things up. So we waited. I squatted, I got on my hands and knees, my doula did rebozo sifting on my belly; we did everything. After about five hours, the midwife came back in and checked me again and said I had dilated to 5 cm, but the baby still hadn't dropped. She also was getting a swollen bump on her head from trying to get down into my pelvis and not being able to. I was exhausted. DH and the doula were as well. We had done all we could possibly do. The baby was not in distress, was still doing just fine with heart rate, but I was concerned that will that swelling if she wasn't born soon that she would be in distress. I have maintained throughout this pregnancy that the end result I'm looking for is a healthy baby. I decided to have the c-section.<br />
<br />
I was in floods of tears. I cried while signing the consent form. I did not want to do it, but I felt like it was the best option. With the swelling on her head I didn't want to get further in and then have her in distress and end up doing a c-section anyway.<br />
<br />
They rolled me into the operating room. I was numb from the waist down. I kept thinking to myself that here it is, my first time in a hospital, and I'm having surgery. It was all I could do to keep from weeping. They moved me over to a bed that had separate sections for my arms and legs and strapped me down. There was a curtain placed at my chest level. I felt someone washing my belly and upper thighs and someone shaving the top of my pubic hair. There were a ton of people in the operating room. DH was supposed to be there with me, but I couldn't find him. Eventually, I heard him say, "I'm here." He came and sat down next to me. Dr H started with the incision. I could feel that something was happening, but there was no pain. I felt some tugging and then a forearm pushing the baby down from where she was sitting around my rib cage. Dr H told DH to stand up, and then he must have pulled her out of me because DH looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "We're parents!" It was 5:40 Saturday morning, the 15th. The first thing I heard from the OR staff was "Schwer Mädchen". Heavy girl. There was a little delay while they cleaned her off, and then they brought her over to me and I got to look at her. She had a full head of dark hair and was looking at me inquisitively. Then, after maybe 30 seconds, they took her away and DH left and I was sew up. I was so exhausted from the previous two days, that I just closed my eyes.<br />
<br />
After a while, they wheeled me over to another room and moved me onto my hospital bed using a lift. Then they took me back downstairs and into the room where I had been laboring. DH had the baby and handed her over to me and I fed her. She latched on right away and ate like a champ. After a little while, they wheeled me back to our room and I spent most of the day sleeping. I couldn't feel anything for several hours, and then when I could I wished for the numbness back. It was quite painful. The nurses got me out of bed that evening and had me walk a few steps. I was only wearing a sleep nursing bra and the lovely mesh panties and compression stockings. I had a catheter in. There is a large loss of dignity in birth.<br />
<br />
The next few days were long. The last night in the hospital, the baby cried and cried. I discovered that I don't do well with a crying baby. We got home from the hospital on Tuesday. We had been there five days.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/59379_10151149505271244_1460884893_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/59379_10151149505271244_1460884893_n.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">9lbs 11oz, 21.25 inches long oder<br />4400 grams, 54 centimenters long.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It's an adjustment. I love how cute she is, but I'm still getting to know her. I don't feel that overwhelming love that is talked about all of the time. Sometimes I wonder why I wanted this so badly. I tell myself that things will get better with time. I cry often. I'm trying. But, today, I am thankful. This is my Thankful Thursday. I am thankful for my little Bee.<br />
<br />
Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-27721872578951073962012-12-12T08:11:00.001+01:002012-12-12T08:11:29.140+01:00überfällig oder overdueI have hopes of seeing spawnette today, but they are diminishing with each minute that ticks by. I would love for her birthday to be 12/12/12, but I don't know if that's in the cards.<br />
<br />
Before you give me any recommendations to help get her out, let's review what I'm doing.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Raspberry leaf tea three times a day for the last two or three weeks. </li>
<li>Evening primrose oil three times a day orally and a vaginal dose some nights</li>
<li>Walking at least a half hour every day</li>
<li>Squats</li>
<li>PODO</li>
<li>Acupuncture</li>
</ul>
I have not done castor oil yet because I'm not really keen on starting off labor with explosive diarrhea. I am starting to consider it though.<br />
<br />
I lost my mucus plug starting Monday night. Last night I started getting bloody show. I've been having some contractions, but not loads. It's just a waiting game. This morning I have to go to the hospital for the third time this week to do a non-stress test. Then back again tomorrow for another doctor's appointment. If we haven't had any more progress by tomorrow, I'm thinking that we will induce. Her birthday is going to be close to Christmas as it is and I don't want it to be right on top of that. Plus, I'd like to have any few extra days to recover I can get before we start moving on January 2nd.<br />
<br />
So, more walking, more tea, more squats. It will be worth it, in the end. Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-62068364986082191192012-12-08T07:27:00.000+01:002012-12-08T07:27:45.341+01:00Just in case you were wondering<a href="http://haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com/">Have I had the baby yet?</a>Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-28121620175615964702012-12-03T12:26:00.000+01:002012-12-03T12:26:36.848+01:00Wie lange? oder How long?How long? This is the question that I keep getting asked.<br />
<br />
Today, December 3rd, is my due date. A little more than 38 weeks ago I had done my trigger shot and was just hoping that this would work, but not believing that it would. But it did! And here I sit, very pregnant, on the brink of one of the biggest changes that I will ever experience in my life. I still marvel at this fact.<br />
<br />
So, how long? I never expected that I would give birth on or before my due date. In fact, when I was told December 3rd, I automatically thought December 10th. But modern medicine being what it is, I am behind the power curve and am expected to hurry up and perform!<br />
<br />
When I went in for my appointment today, we did the normal non-stress test. Spawnette was deeper in than usual and a little lazy for the monitor, but still healthy enough that the doctor is happy. I'm getting really tired of those non-stress tests, let me tell ya! Dr. H checked my cervix, and everything is still closed up tight.<br />
<br />
Then we did another ultrasound. She has not engaged in my pelvis, something that I could have told you without an ultrasound. Dr. H seemed concerned about this. He also said she is measuring at 8 lbs, 10 oz. This I take with a grain of salt that's about 2 lbs, the size that late term ultrasounds can be off (either way). He thinks that she may be too big to fit into my pelvis. I think that he doesn't realize that she's just not ready. He said we could wait, or do a trial labor, or schedule a c-section.<br />
<br />
I'm still (relatively) comfortable and I'm in no hurry, so I said wait. I'm going back in on Thursday for another appointment, where I'm sure I'll be told that we should really consider some medical intervention.<br />
<br />
Here's the thing: when my mom had me, I was born 20 days after her due date. Now, I suspect that there was some miscalculation and since there was no ultrasound done, that due date was a guess as much as anything. No question, I was overdue since I pooped while inside, but I was not huge. All of my aunts were overdue as well. This is a long(ha!)-standing tradition in my family. So, given that, I am content to wait. My plan is to wait until next Wednesday. To give myself and spawnette time, and also because how cool would it be if she was born on 12/12/12?<br />
<br />
So, we will wait. And I will try to be polite, but insistent with my doctor. And try not to think too much about the what-ifs. And enjoy the last few days of freedom.<br />
<br />
I'm not in a hurry, but I do look forward to meeting my daughter.Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-432834932935524432012-11-22T05:03:00.000+01:002012-11-22T05:03:18.042+01:00Kopf nach unten und bewegen Belastungen oder head down and moving stressesI meant to get to this earlier in the week, but it didn't happen. Fortunately (for you) I cannot sleep, so I'll write this post now!<br />
<br />
Last week at my 37 week appointment spawnette was breech. Dr. H didn't have any suggestions as to what might help, so I talked to my doula and she gave me several suggestions. Monday night, I only slept about 3 hours in total. Tuesday I tried to get moxibustion (more on this later), but they were just doing acupuncture at the hospital. I did get in the chiropractor on Tuesday. I was also doing inversions, as suggested by my doula. And playing classical music in my pants (which DH thought was hilarious). And using a hot pack down low and an ice pack up high. And pushing on spawnette's head. And talking to her. Basically whatever I could come up with that was safe. Or, relatively.<br />
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<br />
Tuesday night I actually got some sleep, which was great after feeling like a zombie all day the day before. I woke up Wednesday feeling kind of crappy and weird, but went on with my day. I was able to get ahold of the midwives at my hospital on Wednesday morning and schedule the moxibustion. I can't find a good link for this, but if you google it, you'll find some descriptions. Basically, the practitioner takes an incense stick the size of a cigar of mugwort, gets it good and glowing, and holds it at the outside corner of your pinkie toe at your bladder 67 point. I did this while on my elbows and knees with a midwife at my hospital. After ten minutes, the midwife did a check with palpation and said the baby had turned. Then I sat on the heartbeat monitor for 20 minutes. Usually spawnette is very active, but she seemed to be tired and taking a nap. It was good enough for the midwives though.<br />
<br />
Monday I went in for another appointment and Dr. H checked via ultrasound, and she had turned! I was so relieved. Now I'm a tiny bit paranoid that she'll decide to turn back, but I think it will be pretty hard for her to accomplish at this point.<br />
<br />
This week has been very busy. I've been working since last week on getting food put away in the freezer for when spawnette arrives since we will be on our own. Monday I did some more cooking and was on my feet most of the day. Tuesday, I did acupuncture and my last appointment with the chiropractor until after the birth, as well as cleaning and then a murder mystery dinner with friends that night. I didn't sleep much Tuesday night because of what was coming on Wednesday.<br />
<br />
Wednesday, DH and I drove up to the place we will be moving to at the beginning of February. We have to find housing there, and the sooner the better. The only snag is that with us not moving for a couple of months landlords, understandably, can be hesitant about waiting to get a place filled until then. I only got about five hours of sleep Wednesday night, broken into two segments. We left home at 7 am and returned about 4:30 pm. We looked at three places. None of them are as big as the place we are in now, but there were a couple that could work. The first place had an especially good location and parking spaces for two cars, which is a luxury in town. We asked about that place and the gal at the housing office called the landlady. She said she would have to talk it over with her husband. The second bedroom in that place is very small, but will work well for an infant. My hope is that they understand that and will be willing to wait for us. We are supposed to hear back tomorrow. Otherwise, we will possibly drive back up on Friday to see another place. I had really hoped Friday would be a day to relax. We'll see.<br />
<br />
So, with the stress of that, I slept last night from 10 until about 2 this morning. At 2:30, I turned on my light and read for about 45 minutes. (DH and I are in separate beds until spawnette arrives. It's just too crowded with all the pillows I am using, and I move around way too much.) Then I tried to sleep for another 45 minutes. No dice. So, now I'm up writing this. It's about 5 am now. At 1 pm, we will have somewhere between 10 and 12 adults coming for Thanksgiving along with 4 or so babies and at least one kid. I am not cooking the turkey, thank heavens. I do have some things to make today, but I'm hoping everyone will be out of here by 6 pm.<br />
<br />
So, that's been the last week or so. Sorry about the novel. I'm stressed by the moving situation and needed to get it out. I would like something to be resolved there so that I can get a good night's sleep before I have real reason to be up at all hours.<br />
<br />
To my American friends, Happy Thanksgiving!Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-3791883473660217132012-11-13T07:52:00.002+01:002012-11-13T07:52:56.350+01:00Hinterteil oder breechYesterday I went for my 37 week appointment. All was good. Baby's active, I'm feeling good. (I went for an eight and a half mile walk on Friday!) Everything was hunky-dory until Dr. H pulled out the ultrasound. He put the wand up on the right side of my abdomen underneath of my ribs and-BAM!-there was spawnette's head. Shit.<br />
<br />
At 31 weeks she was head down, so at some point in the past month and a half, she has decided she likes being close to my heart. How sweet! But, also, not good in terms of a natural birth.<br />
<br />
Dr. H said that we will take a look again next week, that she still has time to turn. He said that if she is still breech in ten days or so we'll have to schedule a C-section. Ugh.<br />
<br />
I'm trying to keep the end in mind. I've been through this whole process looking for a healthy baby. She's healthy! (7 lbs 4 oz by yesterday's estimate and moving all the time.) In a few months or years, it won't matter how she got here, just that we have her. But....<br />
<br />
I have thought about what it would be like to give birth for the longest time. For at least the eleven years DH and I have been married, and certainly some as a teenager and child surrounded by aunts who shared their birth stories often. I found a doula to help me through labor and delivery before my first trimester was over. I've been taking any birth classes offered and have read up on what to expect. German hospitals are supposed to be amazing for giving birth because they are almost like birthing centers in the States would be. They let you move around, they have water birth facilities, they give you walking epidurals. This is supposed to be a wonderful experience.<br />
<br />
To have that all taken away and go straight to a C-section.....it just guts me. When other women are telling their harrowing tales of all the drama of birth, I would have to say, "Oh, she was breech. I had a C-section." It feels like a loss and a failure.<br />
<br />
So, I'm doing headstands and playing music to my crotch and trying acupuncture and chiropractic help. I've got a cold pack strapped onto my belly where spawnette's head likes to hang out and am trying not to lean back and get comfortable, but instead to hang my belly down low and get her to turn. I'm hoping to God this works and I will get a chance to have my birth. Even if it's not perfect, even if it's messy and long and ends up in a C-section, I want the chance to try. I had to have major medical help to get this baby in here, but I'd like to get her out on my own.<br />
<br />
So, anyone else doing headstands this week?Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-83182624851142690242012-11-07T09:44:00.001+01:002012-11-07T09:44:53.407+01:00Befederung mein Nest oder feathering my nestThirty six weeks as of Monday. Last week I said to my husband, "Next month we are going to be parents." It's amazingly wonderful and amazingly terrifying at the same time. I keep wondering if I'm really ready for this and if it will be "the best thing we've ever done" as I have heard other people say. DH and I have been just the two of us for 11 years. We have a comfortable life and like each other. Call me selfish, but I'm really hoping that baby doesn't change that.<br />
<br />
DH is gone this week for a TDY to Lithuania. It seems from his facebook updates he's having a good time. I'm enjoying a last few days on my own before things change for good. I spent the weekend at a quilt retreat, working on things for baby. Yesterday I finished the piecing on a <a href="http://www.quilterscache.com/G/GrandmothersFlowerGardenBlock.html">Grandmother's Flower Garden</a> that will be a good play mat. Today I'm aiming to get it basted and start the hand quilting. I'm hoping to have it ready, or nearly ready when spawnette arrives. Very ambitious of me. I also finished the blocks for a quilt guild project that I'll use for another baby quilt. That one I don't think will get done before she arrives. I'm in a sewing mood, trying to get things done before she comes, because I don't know if I will be able to get it done after before we move.<br />
<br />
Oh yes, we are moving in February. Not far, just about an hour north of where we are now. I'm thankful it's not back to the States because in order for spawnette to be on DH's orders, there are a number of steps that have to happen, concluding with her getting a passport. And with a December baby, it's going to be a slow process. I'm hoping that we can get her passport before we move up and things are further complicated. Either way though, we can just drive up there whether she is on the orders or not. They will just need to be amended after the fact. The great news about the move though is that we will be able to get housing off post. The community we are moving to is trying to get lots of people on post, but we prefer living off, for a number of reasons. DH went up last week and talked to them and was able to get the paperwork for off post housing. Now, we just need to find a place so that we can schedule the movers and let our landlord here know that we are leaving and all the other details that go with moving. Oy.<br />
<br />
So, I'm keeping busy wrapping things up and trying to get the house at a baseline of clean for the disaster of neglect that is sure to come. Next week I will start cooking meals to freeze. The car seats will be put in the cars. Soon I need to start packing my hospital bag. Bags. DH and I are trying to decide what to do for Thanksgiving. I'm out walking a few times a week for exercise. Things are just moving along.<br />
<br />
Next month, I will be a mother. It's almost too much to wrap my head around.Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-12551165355512879442012-10-29T08:53:00.001+01:002012-10-29T08:53:42.881+01:00Wahlzeit oder election timeI have only one thing to say about this election. I am really looking forward to it being over and being able to move on!Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-80940967630487599952012-10-24T10:11:00.001+02:002012-10-24T10:12:12.765+02:00Loslassen oder Letting GoI'm ready. I'm finally ready. I am ready to throw off the mantle of survivor guilt and embrace life going forward.<br />
<br />
Since I got pregnant, I've been feeling guilty. About only having to do injectables, about only needing one cycle on them, about having a healthy pregnancy, about leaving others behind. No more. I am embracing what life has given me with open arms and moving out from that guilt mantle. (Guilt mantles are not nearly as pretty as gilt mantles.) I still identify as infertile and I'm still sharing what my experience has been with people, but I am no longer holding onto the shame I have felt.<br />
<br />
Hopefully what this means is that I will be posting more often. I may start a new blog to get a fresh start. We'll see.<br />
<br />
Thank you for listening and thank you for following along on my journey thus far.Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-17648703398831950372012-09-11T19:19:00.001+02:002012-09-11T19:19:11.288+02:0028 Wochen und keine Komplikationen oder 28 weeks and no complicationsThis Monday was my 28 week appointment. I am now being hooked up to the heartbeat monitor for spawnette and contraction monitor for me at each appointment. It kind of looks like a medieval torture device, but thankfully doesn't feel that way. I spent the twenty minutes or so sewing some hexagons together for a Grandmother's Flower Garden quilt. It was a nice way to pass the time, listening to her heartbeat and sewing. <br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Frwnvy06ywg/UE9a-0-GWWI/AAAAAAAAAJY/Rs190Kyfwy8/s1600/grandmother's+flower+garden.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Frwnvy06ywg/UE9a-0-GWWI/AAAAAAAAAJY/Rs190Kyfwy8/s1600/grandmother's+flower+garden.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not my Grandmother's Flower Garden, <br />but similar.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I gained not quite 2 kilograms between this appointment and the last one. This is the first time that I've actually gained any remarkable weight. I was not thin to start with, so Dr H hasn't been concerned. This time though, he came in and said, "Getting bigger, huh?" Yes, doctor, yes I am. Thanks for that.<br />
<br />
All my tests from last time came back clear, which was great news. No gestational diabetes and no anemia! Those were the ones I was most worried about. Dr H asked me how the yeast infection was. I told him it seemed to have gone away with treatment, but I thought it was back. Sure enough, as soon as he put me in the stirrups he confirmed this. So, another round of treatment I go. I also bought some probiotic pills and some trink joghurt to maybe help this problem. So, I guess that's a little complication, but a very minor one. Mostly, it's really annoying.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bwc1liVq89U/UE9a_xVjldI/AAAAAAAAAJc/UIv0HQlUdF0/s1600/trink+joghurt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bwc1liVq89U/UE9a_xVjldI/AAAAAAAAAJc/UIv0HQlUdF0/s1600/trink+joghurt.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yum?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Labor Day weekend, DH, my house guest and I took the train up to Berlin. We had a really good time. It was exhausting though. We walked and walked. I went back Saturday and Sunday to the apartment we were staying in and took a nap in the afternoon. The apartment was another story in itself.<br />
<br />
I did not realize Berlin is so....gay friendly. The neighborhood we were in seemed gay fetish friendly, specifically. There were gay fetish cruising bars and leather clothing on display all around. And our apartment was decorated in black and silver with hooks in the ceiling and chains in the loft for said hooks. Was the neighborhood safe? Yes. The usual type of neighborhood that I would stay in....no.<br />
<br />
So, that's the update for now. The weather is starting to turn here and I am so glad. The weeks of 90+ weather were making me crazy. Now we head on into fall and crisp nights. I'm looking forward to snuggling under blankets instead of sweating on top of the sheets.
<br />
<br />
Now, here are some pictures from Berlin.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-leP_5LdYqLI/UE9tNz97W1I/AAAAAAAAAJ4/IhvAWhdnpX8/s1600/Berlin_2012_015%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-leP_5LdYqLI/UE9tNz97W1I/AAAAAAAAAJ4/IhvAWhdnpX8/s400/Berlin_2012_015%5B1%5D.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My cousin, playing with her food.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9PvMTHvm9Xk/UE9tdnqDooI/AAAAAAAAAKA/HxYbw8mCW3g/s1600/Berlin_2012_060%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9PvMTHvm9Xk/UE9tdnqDooI/AAAAAAAAAKA/HxYbw8mCW3g/s400/Berlin_2012_060%5B1%5D.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Starting off the morning right.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZuZZ_JRbhYI/UE9tuc4LSYI/AAAAAAAAAKI/jdr5hc3K3D8/s1600/Berlin_2012_121%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZuZZ_JRbhYI/UE9tuc4LSYI/AAAAAAAAAKI/jdr5hc3K3D8/s400/Berlin_2012_121%5B1%5D.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Potsdamer Platz in Berlin</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O6_0idlDfUM/UE9t9YeXVnI/AAAAAAAAAKQ/r2jKVqMR6EA/s1600/Berlin_2012_140%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O6_0idlDfUM/UE9t9YeXVnI/AAAAAAAAAKQ/r2jKVqMR6EA/s400/Berlin_2012_140%5B1%5D.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Holocaust Memorial</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rHwJeo1xrbg/UE9uNE8tCAI/AAAAAAAAAKc/GO2XYUuK2TE/s1600/Berlin_2012_196%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rHwJeo1xrbg/UE9uNE8tCAI/AAAAAAAAAKc/GO2XYUuK2TE/s400/Berlin_2012_196%5B1%5D.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Brandenburg Gate</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jCxavPqNn0E/UE9uc40MGfI/AAAAAAAAAKk/c3mE147NS0g/s1600/Berlin_2012_226%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jCxavPqNn0E/UE9uc40MGfI/AAAAAAAAAKk/c3mE147NS0g/s400/Berlin_2012_226%5B1%5D.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pregnant cartwheels</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RAuAMOdy-kg/UE9uyILvn0I/AAAAAAAAAKs/yaioxjN07ss/s1600/Berlin_2012_268%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RAuAMOdy-kg/UE9uyILvn0I/AAAAAAAAAKs/yaioxjN07ss/s400/Berlin_2012_268%5B1%5D.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The view from the top of the Victory Column</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MV_NQWo9LmQ/UE9vExB6hQI/AAAAAAAAAK0/CX9jeLmCnJA/s1600/Berlin_2012_550%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MV_NQWo9LmQ/UE9vExB6hQI/AAAAAAAAAK0/CX9jeLmCnJA/s400/Berlin_2012_550%5B1%5D.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A mosaic on the ceiling of Kaiser Wilhelm Church</td></tr>
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Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-607337376327179402012-08-21T18:45:00.001+02:002012-08-21T18:45:08.026+02:0025 Woche und Zählen oder 25 Weeks and CountingLast Monday was my 24 week appointment. I got to do the glucose screen, which I have been dreading since the beginning. It was an eight hour fast before hand and then a one hour test. I had planned to walk around during the hour, but didn't get a chance because I saw Herr Doktor during the wait and it was super busy, so there was lots of waiting.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iZqoWxaRN6o/UDO5YTUaECI/AAAAAAAAAI4/RkIur9SDv0Q/s1600/glucose+test.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iZqoWxaRN6o/UDO5YTUaECI/AAAAAAAAAI4/RkIur9SDv0Q/s200/glucose+test.jpg" width="133" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mine was actually Johannisbeere <br />flavor, which I'm told is better.</td></tr>
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When I went in the nurse asked me if I had had nothing to eat or drink in eight hours. I told her I had had some water. She looked very alarmed and asked me if I had had a lot of water. I think I had about 8 ounces. I told her no because I am not going to have to do this test again if I have anything to say about it. Then she weighed me. I told her just before she did that I've not been gaining weight. When she put me on the scale I had dropped 600 grams (a little over a pound) since the last appointment. She looked really alarmed at this and asked me if I have been eating, to which I responded, "Yes!" </div>
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Herr Doktor listened for the spawnette's heartbeat, which was 150. It was funny because at one point he said, "A kick," and he didn't need to tell me. I had that one figured out. Then he checked my cervix, which looked good, and because I had been itchy, did a swab which came back as a yeast infection. Yay. All in all though, it went well.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h6nXx3SOzqk/UDO6lgmzvbI/AAAAAAAAAJA/mAnwQrUJ2Rk/s1600/bad+tv.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h6nXx3SOzqk/UDO6lgmzvbI/AAAAAAAAAJA/mAnwQrUJ2Rk/s1600/bad+tv.jpg" /></a>My house guest is gone for a week to the States. She returns on Thursday. I've actually been really thankful she's not here because it is hot as balls and most of the time I'm just sitting around with underwear on and nothing else. Thank God I bought a one-room air conditioner, or I would not be getting any sleep at all. I've been enjoying the time to myself and spending lots of time sewing, which I haven't done in ages and used to do all of the time. I think it was something I needed to work back to. I'm also watching really bad TV, which I am always embarrassed to do when someone else is around.<br />
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Oh, and another thing about sitting around nearly naked is that I discovered my boobs are leaking. Clear fluid mostly, but sometimes it's orangish. I guess this is the beginnings of colostrum. I'm glad things are working, but it's pretty disconcerting!<br />
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Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be better and I am hoping the forecast isn't lying this time. It has been in the nineties since Friday, and with no A/C, it's a killer. DH and I spent the weekend lying around watching TV on our laptops because turning on the big TV creates too much heat. And we've been eating microwave meals because it's too hot to even think of turning on the stove. I think I have been gaining weight this week from all of the crap I'm eating.<br />
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So, that's a little update on what's going on here. Congratulations to Tracy at <a href="http://juststoptryinganditwillhappen.com/">Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen</a> on her long awaited BFP! Here's wishing her a safe and healthy pregnancy.Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-48522498848533444782012-08-11T16:42:00.001+02:002012-08-11T16:42:59.547+02:00Striving for contentmentIn March I signed up for one of <a href="http://searchingforoursilverlining.blogspot.com/">Cristy's</a> fertility sock exchanges. I was in the midst of my first cycle with injectables. Cristy sets it up so that instead of giving and receiving socks with the same person, it's more of a chain where you receive from one person and give to another. Before I got my socks or had a chance to send mine out, I got my BFP and went on to have a positive beta the next week. Since that happened, one of my sock buddies has gotten pregnant and is in her second trimester with twins. The other has had an IUI that didn't result in pregnancy.<br />
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I've been reading lots of fertility blogs during my journey and many of the people that were TTCing when I started reading have gone on to get pregnant and are on the road to have healthy babies or already have their healthy baby. There are still several though who have not managed this, despite all of their best efforts and medical technology and hope and prayer. My sock buddy who has not conceived told me that she was self-isolating and trying to come to terms with what life has dealt her. I got the impression that it was, "Thanks for checking in, but it's too painful for me to talk to you and I need time to heal."<br />
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As I sit here, feeling the kicks of my daughter for the last hour or so, my heart breaks once again for those who have not been able to complete their journey to motherhood. (Not that my journey is over, mind you.) I want to be able to say to those people that they are not left behind in my mind. They are not less. They are still working through their journey to parenthood, or are working on making peace with being childless. They are still in my heart. I want to reach out and give comfort or a shoulder to cry on. I don't know how though. When I was still going through it, my mom would say to me that she knew I would have a baby. I know she was trying to comfort me, but I just wanted to lash out and say, "And what if I don't?! Don't tell me that everything will be alright when you don't know if that will happen. You can't guarantee that!"<br />
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Infertility has changed me and there are things that I don't think I'll ever take for granted. And I hope that if I meet someone, in person or online, who is struggling, that I will be able to say something besides, "Everything will be okay." Because sometimes, everything isn't okay. Sometimes life is really hard and things suck. Life is not fair. I think we all know this<br />
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But, I do believe that every person can get to a point where they are content with their life as it is, at least for a moment. And I hope that my interactions with others will be part of what makes a life of contentment, even if only for a moment. That's one good thing that has come out of my struggle with infertility.Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-25889799565312183622012-08-05T09:42:00.000+02:002012-08-05T09:42:00.354+02:00GriefMy heart goes out today to Trisha at <a href="http://theelusivesecondline.wordpress.com/">The Elusive Second Line</a> who has lost her Maybe Baby at 9 weeks. There are no words.Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-70290327870497611202012-08-02T16:57:00.000+02:002012-08-05T09:43:24.498+02:00Alles gut und schön oder all is good and well.It's August already. I can hardly believe it.<br />
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Things have been uneventful around here. We went to a hay wagon festival a couple of weekends ago. They have an 800 meter (half mile) course set up in town and there are teams that push and pull the wagon loaded up with hay through the course. There's a couple of turns and they have to go around the water tower. The hard part is that there are two sections of about 10 feet of sand about 6 inches deep that they have to drag the wagons through. It's pretty entertaining.<br />
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My lovely house guest is still here and she has been wonderful. She's been cleaning and helping with stuff around the house and is a joy to have around. I will miss her when she goes in September.<br />
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The spawnette is kicking more and trying out some new stretches. I'm trying to get some sewing done on my big machine before my belly is too big. My uterus is already a couple of inches above my belly button!<br />
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The next doctor's appointment is the gestational diabetes screen, which I am not looking forward to. This is the test that I have been the most apprehensive about since it has such a high rate of false positives that lead to the dreaded three hour test. And, my doctor is having me do an eight hour fast before the test. Ugh.<br />
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Other than that, things are normal. I'm looking forward to fall and cooler weather which may lead to some clothes shopping because while pants are still fitting, they are getting uncomfortable and shirts are becoming too short. I'm working on the baby registry. DH and I bought a crib and dresser at Ikea last weekend. Things are moving along. All is well and good!Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-60680631135683631112012-07-24T13:59:00.000+02:002012-07-24T13:59:33.283+02:00Aus dem Urlaub zurück oder back from vacationWow, it's been a long time since I've written. Since the last time DH and I went on a cruise in the Baltic Sea. We saw most of the Baltic capitals and even managed to go to the ballet in Saint Petersburg, which was amazing.<br />
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The week after we got back, it was time for the next OB appointment. This was the twenty week scan, so Dr. H took quite a while looking to make sure everything was measuring correctly. At this point they measure the circumference of the head and length of the femur to determine gestational age and any age within 10 days is considered normal. All the structures look normal. We could even see the bladder full of fluid because the spawn (that's our nickname) had been swallowing amniotic fluid. Then Dr. H told us what we had been anxiously waiting to hear: It's a girl! Both DH and I wanted a girl, so this is fantastic news!<br />
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I still don't feel like I look pregnant, just kinda fat. I think part of that is because I have been this big around before without a baby in there. I am still wearing my old pants, although my shirts are getting too short and I'm rotating some maternity tops in. I've gained less than five pounds since getting pregnant, but Dr. H doesn't seem concerned. That's just another thing that I love about German doctors.<br />
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I clearly have not been posting regularly, and don't know if I will get back to it or not. I feel like with the point of viability coming up in just a few more weeks I'm becoming confident at the prospect of bringing home a baby. If I keep writing, I think things will change a bit. Life is just different, although I still marvel at the fact that I'm pregnant and I think about how things were. Before one of our trips last month DH said to me that he realized that he hadn't woken up to the sound of the thermometer in a long time. It's a continual amazement.<br />
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So, I hope your summer is going well. Congrats to the ladies who finally have their BFPs out there! You've worked hard for it. Try to enjoy it. And those who haven't I'm rooting for you! I look forward to the day when I visit your blog and see your good news.<br />
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Happy Summer!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cLzU3zyhtkg/UA6LqnQtzuI/AAAAAAAAAIU/HeRvZMJSIbg/s1600/Russian+mosquitos.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cLzU3zyhtkg/UA6LqnQtzuI/AAAAAAAAAIU/HeRvZMJSIbg/s320/Russian+mosquitos.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is a Russian mosquito. We stayed in the room a lot in St. Petersburg.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oxoajPXjw94/UA6LrqSi3VI/AAAAAAAAAIc/F1OMDNPWky0/s1600/Talinn+cartwheel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oxoajPXjw94/UA6LrqSi3VI/AAAAAAAAAIc/F1OMDNPWky0/s320/Talinn+cartwheel.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I did cartwheels in most of the places we visited. <br />It just seemed like a fun thing to do!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C1m_2F_GNtM/UA6LskbL0yI/AAAAAAAAAIk/ElrKdgI1UQs/s1600/queen+of+the+world+Helsinki.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C1m_2F_GNtM/UA6LskbL0yI/AAAAAAAAAIk/ElrKdgI1UQs/s320/queen+of+the+world+Helsinki.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I survey my queendom.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oJsRipi8gQY/UA6Lt3EAJZI/AAAAAAAAAIs/C2XdPJ-aAC4/s1600/scary+statue.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oJsRipi8gQY/UA6Lt3EAJZI/AAAAAAAAAIs/C2XdPJ-aAC4/s320/scary+statue.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;">at the Vigeland Sculpture Park in Oslo. <br />One of the many interesting but slightly terrifying statues.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5370067357074615823.post-85952020196145136112012-06-19T14:26:00.000+02:002012-06-19T14:26:17.093+02:00Geschäftigen Sommer oder busy summertimeI'm behind. It's been almost three weeks since my last post. Please forgive me, dear readers, (if there are indeed readers). Summer has barely even started and it's already been very busy!<br />
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The last post I talked about friends and family. I had a cousin visit for a week starting June 2nd. We went to the Heidelberg burning, and traveled down to Garmisch-Partenkirchen to see the Bavarian wonders. He's a new college graduate and has tons of energy and completely wore me out! I spent last week recovering.<br />
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This week, I am wrapping up the final details before our vacation next week. Do you want to know where we are going? On a cruise! We'll be traveling around the Baltic and I will be on the boat for my 30th birthday. Pretty exciting stuff. I'm sure there will be lots of pictures and maybe some good stories.<br />
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Other things that have been happening:<br />
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DH and I had interviews with three doulas in the area. When I say in the area, I mean within an hour from where we live. I had to search high and low, but I'm so glad that I did because now I actually have a choice. We had our last interview yesterday and are trying to make a decision by the end of the week. It's much harder to choose than I anticipated. Maybe it's because our medical care is usually dictated to us rather than giving us options. But it's free! Military health care is a blessing and a curse.<br />
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Speaking of medical issues, I have been having numbness down my right leg. That numbness begins tingling and sending electric pains if I stand or walk too long. I was feeling so great three weeks ago that I went on a run and have been having this problem ever since. So, it's biking and walking (when I can) for exercise right now. I've been seeing a chiropractor to help, and it seems to be making a difference. When I tried to get into physical therapy, I was sent on a circular wild goose chase that involved a few wasted hours in an ER and many tears of frustration on my part. When I asked my OB about it, he said it's normal and there's not much he can do or recommend. So, chiropractic it is, with hopefully an occasional massage thrown in. There are worse things.<br />
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And, speaking of the OB, I had my 16 week appointment yesterday. We did another ultrasound because it's only 35 euro and worth the money for the reassurance. The first thing Dr. H said to me was, "You're not feeling the baby move yet." Good to know. Everything was looking good. Heartbeat 150. Spawn was squirming and kicking on the ultrasound. (External for the first time, and I'm not sure I prefer it! The picture was much clearer with Wanda.) I got a note for the cruise, and our next appointment is on the 16th of June. Dr. H said that it looks like a spawnette, but I'm going to try my hardest to resist getting anything yet until the next time when things will be more clear. But I'm really hoping he's right!<br />
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So, that's what's going on. Next week, while DH and I are gone, another cousin will be arriving. She'll be with us for a while, but we're not sure how long yet. I'm sure that she and I will spend time together. No one except DH knows about this blog, so posts will probably continue to be few and far between. I am reading your blogs though!<br />
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This busy summertime will quickly enough ease into (hopefully) less busy fall. And then maybe I will be able to be more present. In the meantime, I hope you are enjoying your summer!Still Sinkinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07431984732325354306noreply@blogger.com1