Things are

Bee and I just got back from visiting my parents in Montana on Tuesday morning after two very long flights with one very awake little girl. Bee slept a total of 1:20 in about 20 hours. She is a determined one! I'm very glad to be home and to be getting closer to done with jet lag.

My grandmother passed away in July and the funeral was while we were home, so it was great to be able to attend that and help my mom out with some of the planning. Bee loved the party atmosphere and kept asking to have a party every day, even after people had left. She came out of her shell with my family and opened up, which was wonderful to see.

Bee starts German kindergarten in 16 days. It's more like daycare than kindergarten as Americans know it. Boy am I ready for her to go! She has so much energy and wants to, as she puts it, "play and play and play!" It wears me out, especially since there's no family here to help me out.

On the baby #2 front, things are not looking good. I did one cycle with a doctor in Nuremberg, but I knew from around CD 16 it was not going to work. He increased my dosage, he had me continue injections, but I just felt that it was doomed. I did the trigger on CD 22 and got my period a day or two after I arrived in the States, on the same day a good friend got her positive test after a miscarriage. So hard.

While I was home my cousin, who got pregnant with her son while I was doing treatments for Bee, told me that she was going to plan on having another baby when her husband gets home from deployment. The fact that it could be that easy for some people is another kind of blow. Just hearing that again, it's tough.

It doesn't help that youtube and the rest of the internet knows what I'm thinking and I'm being bombarded with pregnancy and ovulation test ads. Lay off internet!!!

DH and I talked about things before I left. I think we are going to be done. Done trying, done hoping against hope. Done fighting with the insurance company. Done with injections and scrambling for childcare for fertility appointments. Just done. I keep hoping for a miracle, but I don't see one on the horizon.

After this cycle that I am currently on in which my body starting producing beautiful EWCM the day before I flew home and has yet to drop an egg, DH will be scheduling a vasectomy. I want to let go of this part and enjoy life as it is. Stop thinking about the sibling that is not coming.

So, that's the plan. On to life with an only child!

Update

Bee is officially 2.5. Amazing. Driving me crazy on a regular basis. Starts German kindergarten in 67 days.

Last Friday I went to a specialist in Nuremberg for further fertility treatment. I had a big, fat 22.5 mm follie, so he popped that baby with a trigger shot. I'm supposed to pick up some FSH to start using if I have another cycle, or if I do not bleed, go in for a blood test 6 July.

I have mixed feelings about having another one. I grew up an only child, so I can see the positives of that, as well as the negatives. I always wanted a sibling. But on the side of being the parent, I am almost free. Bee is potty trained. She can dress herself, feed herself. She's even occasionally helpful by doing things like putting her laundry in her basket upstairs or helping to load the dishwasher. Having another baby means that I will be back to square one. Diapers and spit up and waking up four times a night.

I'm still giving it until September, but I could totally be content with the life we have now.

Trying again.

Bee is two, almost 2 1/2. Last April, DH and I started not preventing, just to see what would happen. I got another prescription for Metformin, although I didn't really take any. Life went along. My cycles were fairly regular for a while, and then slowly but surely they got longer. This March I went to my new doctor in a new town (we moved again within Germany last July). I told her we had been trying a year with no success. I was referred to a gyn. I did one cycle where I showed up with a 16mm follicle and got a trigger shot within a couple of days. No luck. The next cycle (the current one) I got the vag cam a couple of times. At CD 16, my biggest follicle was 10 mm. So, now I'm on CD 41, having ovulated last weekend. I have a referral to an infertility specialist in Nuremberg for 19 June, the day after we get back from vacation. I don't have high hopes because I'll be 2ish weeks into that cycle and I'm leaving in August to go back to the States for three weeks to visit my parents. And if I have another baby, I want it to be in Germany because of several various reasons.

So this is my plan. I will give it until 1 October of this year/finish out whatever treatment I'm on as of 1 October. If nothing happens, I'll go back to not preventing. If still nothing happens (which it probably won't), then we'll close up shop and be happy with one.