Dankbar Donnerstag oder Thankful Thursday: Loved Ones

Okay, what can I say? I said that I would be posting more and now a week and a half has gone by and I've been quiet. I suck.

Things going on here:

• It's been fairly warm. 
• I bought a (used) air conditioner and then went all around town looking for a vent hose. This is more complicated than it sounds and involved tears.
• I worked out six days in a week.
• One day I came out of the commissary and saw a cute guy smiling at me. I thought it was because I looked pretty, since I had actually done my hair and makeup. Then I got to my bike and found a piece of lettuce in my hair and figured that's why he was smiling. My salad sorting may have been a bit too vigorous.

Tornado Kartoffel

Today though, I'm thankful for friends and family. DH and I spent last Saturday in Mannheim at their Stadtfest (city fest) with some new friends. We ate our way through, getting fries and corn on the cob, and ice cream and "Tornado Kartoffel"  which was a potato that was spiral cut and shoved onto a stick and then fried. Fried things are good. (Even if "Tornado Potato" does sound better than "Tornado Kartoffel", you can't quibble with fried things.) We talked and laughed and enjoyed the beautiful day. This Saturday, my cousin is coming to visit and we will be going with the same friends to the Heidelberg Illumination. Then next week, we will be driving down to Bavaria to see the sites down there. 

I'm so happy to have friends here. It took a while to meet people, but it seems like once you get to know a few, more will wander into your sphere. It's wonderful to know people who think differently than you and different backgrounds. It enriches your life. That's one of the great things about the military is getting to know people you would never otherwise get an opportunity to meet.

A Bavarian town which will go unnamed for now

And family. My cousin is coming and a few weeks later, we expect his sister to visit for a couple of weeks. Being overseas, time with family is not the same as it used to be. My family is in Montana and it's an expensive and long flight to get over to see them, so it doesn't happen often. When I get to see family, it's a pleasure. For me, they are the people I've known my whole life (or theirs, for the younger ones) and we have similar backgrounds and upbringing. There are inside jokes and catching up on what's going on and honest and frank discussion about personal issues. 

So, I may continue sucking in the blogging department. I am reading your blogs, I'm just not tending mine. But for right now, while I've got friends and family around, that's okay.

Zweiten OB Besuch oder second OB visit

ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG! WARNING! WARNING!
Lots of pregnancy talk today.

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Today is twelve weeks exactly. The last few days have been pretty good. And, if I can get through today without throwing up (and it's looking good so far), it will be a week since the last time I got sick. Woohoo!

DH was able to come to this visit. (If you remember from the last visit he wasn't able to be there.) It had been almost six weeks since he last saw my insides. I ran into a friend in the waiting room, so we chatted, which was nice. They weighed me this time and took my blood pressure. The blood pressure was pretty good. The best thing that I can say about the weight was that it was in kilograms instead of pounds and so it was a lot lower.

Then we saw Dr. H. He told me the results of my tests, which were good. Iron levels okay, no chlamydia. Good to know. I asked about a note for the cruise DH and I will be taking in a few weeks (more on that later). They'll give me the note next time. I then nervously asked if it would be okay to have a glass of champagne. Dr H said that an occasional drink would not cause any problems. I know there are people out there who would say that I shouldn't even ask, but hey, I'm in Europe and I have a German doctor. I'm going to go for the European experience. I told him I had lost some weight, and he said that in the first sixteen weeks, they don't expect much change in weight, so losing a little is okay. Then we went to the ultrasound.

It was with Wanda again, which honestly, I didn't mind. The picture is really clear and it's not uncomfortable, so whatever. I had planned to drink some orange juice just before the appointment, but didn't. It didn't matter. The blob is no longer a blob! There are two arms and two legs and we saw at least one hand that had all five fingers. There's a brain and a very visible (and audible) heartbeat (145). We even saw it moving around, which was really amazing. We saw the umbilical cord and the blood flow there. It's 55.6 mm, so just about two inches long. I'm amazed that only ten weeks after conception, this creature is fully formed and just needs to grow bigger and mature. It's not something that is yet to be. It is. A teeny, tiny human.

I've been feeling disconnection and disbelief. Seeing my baby (writing those words is unreal) kick and move its arms and legs makes me feel like this might really be real. There might really be a reason my pants are getting tight. It's possible the reason I've been feeling crappy is because there's a person that I'm growing. It's unbelievable, but I might be starting to believe it.

After the appointment, I went to the reception desk to make the next appointment. And, I got my Mutterpass! This is all of your medical records for your pregnancy. And, if you have more than one child in Germany, it will be for all of your pregnancies. You are to carry it with you at all times so that if there's a problem, the doctor will be able to look at your Mutterpass and know your pregnancy medical history. It is the symbol that you are really pregnant. And I have one!

I'm so happy right now. I can't stop smiling. This is really happening! And I am so thankful.

One Lovely Blog Award

Wow, am I ever behind. I'm been sick and tired and lazy enjoying pregnancy for the last few weeks. Please forgive me. I'm going to try to get back to semi-regular blogging.

I've been given the One Lovely Blog award by Mrs. M at Seriously Not Pregnant. She has been trying for quite a while and things have been rough for her lately. Go over and say hi and check out her blog. It's great!

So, now that I've gotten the award I have to do something. Besides bask in the adoring glow, that is.

Here are the steps to follow after receiving this award:

• Share who gave it to you with a link back to their blog. (See above)

• Write down seven random facts about yourself.

• Give this award to fifteen other bloggers.

• Let them know they've won.
• Pop the award on your blog.

Seven Random Facts about me:

1. I once danced on a table with a bunch of Hungarian women to "YMCA".  And I wasn't even drinking.
2. I have lived in Germany nearly a third of my adult life and I still don't speak the language. This is just shameful.
3. I am an only child. I loved it growing up, but now that I'm an adult it's not quite as fun. It's really hard to be away from your parents when there are hard times, especially when you don't have siblings to help take up the slack.
4. I used to drink at least two cans of Mountain Dew a day. This may sound like a lot to some people, but seems like nothing to me. My mom (before all of her medical problems) used to drink eight to ten LITERS of Diet Pepsi every day. Twenty four ounces is small potatoes. But, I'm glad I don't do that anymore.
5. I saw the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans from both sides by the time I was 28. 
6. I miss grocery stores in the States. Seriously, the grocery stores here are like low end mini-marts compared to places like Safeway or Fred Meyer's in the States. I long to be able to find Burt's Bees lip balm when in my local grocery store. But, German stores have a lot of good things too. 



Black bottom....


7. If the choice is between cake and pie, I pick pie. Unless it's fruit pie. Then I might go for the cake after all.

Or lemon meringue. No need to choose. Have one of each!

Mmmmm......pie...mmmmmm......whoops! Sorry, got distracted there for a minute. Now it's time for me to award this to fifteen bloggers. I don't know if I know that many bloggers, but I'll come up with as many as possible. They won't all be infertility bloggers though, and some will be mommy bloggers. I'll try to give warnings. 

 I would like to give this award to the following bloggers:

Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen

The Empty Uterus

The Elusive Second Line

Cease and Decyst

The Pussy Palace (This is an infertility blog and is SFW, just in case you were wondering.)

Searching for our silver lining

MissConception (pregnant)

Syringe Sisters (pregnant)

Inconceivable! (pregnant)

Crappy Pictures (mommy blog)

The Cohen Tribe (mommy blog)

STFU, Parents 

Cake Wrecks 

The Everywhereist (travel)

My Dusty Uterus (has baby)

Whew! I managed to find fifteen. And, they are all awesome. I know some of you have already gotten this award and some of you are way too big to bother posting this award and that's okay. Just sharing the blog love. All of you are awesome. Thanks again to Mrs. M for the award. Now, hopefully, I can get off my duff (figuratively, because I sit while typing) and get back to (semi) regular blogging. 

Have a great weekend!

Würgen die ganze Zeit

Last week came and went without a post from me. For shame. Again, I'm still around, just feeling really lousy. I've been tired which is okay, but this week the morning sickness ramped up a notch. Yesterday morning I was trying to get out of bed and downstairs to give DH a kiss good morning, but I went too fast and ended up heaving in the sink instead. All day yesterday, every time I got up from sitting or lying down, I would start gagging. Today started similarly, without the actual sick though, thankfully. DH asked me to get some bread and that made me gag. Mixing honey in with my yogurt this morning was cause for retching. Leaning over to get the cat food out of the cupboard had me heaving. Fun times.

I'm eleven weeks along, so I'm just praying that in the next couple of weeks things will get better. Pretty please?

Also, I'm still feeling disconnected from the pregnancy. DH will be coming with me next Monday to the OB, so maybe holding his hand while hearing the heartbeat will get this lodged into my head a little better.

P.S. Today's title sounds so much better in German, that I just left it that way. If you really want to see what it says, plug it into Google translate.

Ich bin hier oder I am here

I am here, just so you know. I am just so, so tired. Hopefully later this week I can find some energy for a better post. Sorry I've been slacking. See you later.

Dankbar Donnerstag: Ten things

Technically it's Friday here, but I was planning this before the clock turned over, so I'm saying Thursday. It's my blog, I can ignore time if I want to. In no particular order, here are ten things that I am thankful for today.

1. Sunshine
2. Bicycle paths
3. Time with friends
4. Greek yogurt
5. Mom's surgery tomorrow
6. Cat snoring next to me
7. Having the bed to myself for almost a month
8. That DH will be back next week
9. "Jagged Little Pill" by Alanis Morissette 
10. Fifty Shades of Grey for book club next month

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After catching up on some blogs yesterday, I also am thankful for BFPs from Lou at Syringe Sisters and ADSChill at Missconception! Both of them have had long journeys and I'm glad they are finally getting those positive tests. 

Erste OB Besuch und tiefe Gedanken oder first OB visit and deep thoughts

Today was my first visit with the OB, Dr. H. I went in and the receptionist/nurse asked me if I could urinate. Um, yes, yes I can. In fact I was about to ask you where the bathroom is. Then I sat in the waiting room which had English magazines! This was such a luxury. I brought some hand sewing with me, but promptly lost the needle so I needed the magazines.

I was shown into Dr. H's office and asked questions by the nurse. Had my cycles been regular? No. Am I on any medications? Still on Metformin. Was I still spotting? No, that stopped last week.

Then Dr. H came in. We discussed my history with Herr Doktor. I told him I wanted to stay on the Metformin if possible. He said that I could stay on it for a few more weeks, and then I need to go off. I said okay. I'm thinking if I start splitting pills so I can wean down, it might be okay. I asked if I could go to the sauna. He said that after the first trimester it's okay as long as I don't spend too long in there and I feel okay. Cool.

Then we went into the exam room. Dr. H works with lots of American patients, so they have more of a drape. Since he handed it to me, I went ahead and used it. And, with Herr Doktor it was just me and him in the exam room. Dr H's nurse came in too. He did a pap and then it was time for my date with Wanda. This time when the uterus was on the screen it was a lot easier to see the blob. Not much searching around for it. It is about the shape you would expect from a nine weeks pregnant picture online. Measuring nine weeks exactly. Heartbeat 161. I got to hear the heartbeat this time and I could really see it on the ultrasound clearly, whereas last time Frau Doktor was having to point it out to me. The he checked my ovaries and they looked good. They weren't all covered in cysts, which is good news.

Then I got dressed and the nurse and I went into another room for the blood draw. Now, I have been dreading this because I don't like doing blood draws and everyone talks about how much blood they take from you. She  was very good and I hardly felt the poke, but I jumped anyway because I'm wimpy. Then she took four vials of blood. Two big and two little. Not so bad! The way people have been talking, I thought it would be a pint!

The nurse and I went over to the desk and I made my next appointment for May 21st. DH will be able to come to that one (he's out of town on an exercise) and so it will be his first time hearing the heartbeat and it will have changed a lot in the almost six weeks since he'll have seen it. We might even be able to see it moving on the screen. That would be pretty cool.

Ok, deep thoughts time.

As far as all this pregnancy stuff goes, I'm doing okay, but I have to say I feel a little disconnected. I'm still on guard, worried about something happening. It feels surreal. The only thing that's really assuring me that it is real is the morning sickness that lasts all day and being tired all of the time. But even that's not that bad. I was tired all of the time like this on birth control. I'm grateful and so thankful but most of the time it doesn't even feel real. I'm just wondering when I will start feeling feelings for this blob. I know DH is going to want to talk about names soon. If it were up to me, I would wait until viability, but I know that that is really a bit kooky.

I'm just trying to wrap my head and heart around this. Some women say they loved their baby from the time that they knew they were pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to be pregnant and I am looking forward to meeting this blob when it's a baby, but I can't say that I feel love like I thought I would. I feel terrible even putting that into words, like it's a betrayal of everything I've gone through and infertility itself. I hope I start feeling more connected in the weeks and months to come. If I don't, what will I do? And how can I justify all of the things that I've been through to get me to this point if I don't feel the right feelings? Deep thoughts to ponder.