Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Erste OB Besuch und tiefe Gedanken oder first OB visit and deep thoughts

Today was my first visit with the OB, Dr. H. I went in and the receptionist/nurse asked me if I could urinate. Um, yes, yes I can. In fact I was about to ask you where the bathroom is. Then I sat in the waiting room which had English magazines! This was such a luxury. I brought some hand sewing with me, but promptly lost the needle so I needed the magazines.

I was shown into Dr. H's office and asked questions by the nurse. Had my cycles been regular? No. Am I on any medications? Still on Metformin. Was I still spotting? No, that stopped last week.

Then Dr. H came in. We discussed my history with Herr Doktor. I told him I wanted to stay on the Metformin if possible. He said that I could stay on it for a few more weeks, and then I need to go off. I said okay. I'm thinking if I start splitting pills so I can wean down, it might be okay. I asked if I could go to the sauna. He said that after the first trimester it's okay as long as I don't spend too long in there and I feel okay. Cool.

Then we went into the exam room. Dr. H works with lots of American patients, so they have more of a drape. Since he handed it to me, I went ahead and used it. And, with Herr Doktor it was just me and him in the exam room. Dr H's nurse came in too. He did a pap and then it was time for my date with Wanda. This time when the uterus was on the screen it was a lot easier to see the blob. Not much searching around for it. It is about the shape you would expect from a nine weeks pregnant picture online. Measuring nine weeks exactly. Heartbeat 161. I got to hear the heartbeat this time and I could really see it on the ultrasound clearly, whereas last time Frau Doktor was having to point it out to me. The he checked my ovaries and they looked good. They weren't all covered in cysts, which is good news.

Then I got dressed and the nurse and I went into another room for the blood draw. Now, I have been dreading this because I don't like doing blood draws and everyone talks about how much blood they take from you. She  was very good and I hardly felt the poke, but I jumped anyway because I'm wimpy. Then she took four vials of blood. Two big and two little. Not so bad! The way people have been talking, I thought it would be a pint!

The nurse and I went over to the desk and I made my next appointment for May 21st. DH will be able to come to that one (he's out of town on an exercise) and so it will be his first time hearing the heartbeat and it will have changed a lot in the almost six weeks since he'll have seen it. We might even be able to see it moving on the screen. That would be pretty cool.

Ok, deep thoughts time.

As far as all this pregnancy stuff goes, I'm doing okay, but I have to say I feel a little disconnected. I'm still on guard, worried about something happening. It feels surreal. The only thing that's really assuring me that it is real is the morning sickness that lasts all day and being tired all of the time. But even that's not that bad. I was tired all of the time like this on birth control. I'm grateful and so thankful but most of the time it doesn't even feel real. I'm just wondering when I will start feeling feelings for this blob. I know DH is going to want to talk about names soon. If it were up to me, I would wait until viability, but I know that that is really a bit kooky.

I'm just trying to wrap my head and heart around this. Some women say they loved their baby from the time that they knew they were pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to be pregnant and I am looking forward to meeting this blob when it's a baby, but I can't say that I feel love like I thought I would. I feel terrible even putting that into words, like it's a betrayal of everything I've gone through and infertility itself. I hope I start feeling more connected in the weeks and months to come. If I don't, what will I do? And how can I justify all of the things that I've been through to get me to this point if I don't feel the right feelings? Deep thoughts to ponder.


  1. I think it is natural to feel on edge about being pregnant. You've been through so much with infertility that you know the reality that this pregnancy might not make it, and that may make it a little hard to let your excitement (and love for your baby) come through. If you start loving the baby, and it doesn't make it, it might hurt that much more. I get it.

    Don't be too hard on yourself.

    1. Thank you. It's a process, but hopefully I'll get there.