Wahlzeit oder election time

I have only one thing to say about this election. I am really looking forward to it being over and being able to move on!

Loslassen oder Letting Go

I'm ready. I'm finally ready. I am ready to throw off the mantle of survivor guilt and embrace life going forward.

Since I got pregnant, I've been feeling guilty. About only having to do injectables, about only needing one cycle on them, about having a healthy pregnancy, about leaving others behind. No more. I am embracing what life has given me with open arms and moving out from that guilt mantle. (Guilt mantles are not nearly as pretty as gilt mantles.) I still identify as infertile and I'm still sharing what my experience has been with people, but I am no longer holding onto the shame I have felt.

Hopefully what this means is that I will be posting more often. I may start a new blog to get a fresh start. We'll see.

Thank you for listening and thank you for following along on my journey thus far.

28 Wochen und keine Komplikationen oder 28 weeks and no complications

This Monday was my 28 week appointment. I am now being hooked up to the heartbeat monitor for spawnette and contraction monitor for me at each appointment. It kind of looks like a medieval torture device, but thankfully doesn't feel that way. I spent the twenty minutes or so sewing some hexagons together for a Grandmother's Flower Garden quilt. It was a nice way to pass the time, listening to her heartbeat and sewing.

Not my Grandmother's Flower Garden,
but similar.

I gained not quite 2 kilograms between this appointment and the last one. This is the first time that I've actually gained any remarkable weight. I was not thin to start with, so Dr H hasn't been concerned. This time though, he came in and said, "Getting bigger, huh?" Yes, doctor, yes I am. Thanks for that.

All my tests from last time came back clear, which was great news. No gestational diabetes and no anemia! Those were the ones I was most worried about. Dr H asked me how the yeast infection was. I told him it seemed to have gone away with treatment, but I thought it was back. Sure enough, as soon as he put me in the stirrups he confirmed this. So, another round of treatment I go. I also bought some probiotic pills and some trink joghurt to maybe help this problem. So, I guess that's a little complication, but a very minor one. Mostly, it's really annoying.

Yum?

Labor Day weekend, DH, my house guest and I took the train up to Berlin. We had a really good time. It was exhausting though. We walked and walked. I went back Saturday and Sunday to the apartment we were staying in and took a nap in the afternoon. The apartment was another story in itself.

I did not realize Berlin is so....gay friendly. The neighborhood we were in seemed gay fetish friendly, specifically. There were gay fetish cruising bars and leather clothing on display all around. And our apartment was decorated in black and silver with hooks in the ceiling and chains in the loft for said hooks. Was the neighborhood safe? Yes. The usual type of neighborhood that I would stay in....no.

So, that's the update for now. The weather is starting to turn here and I am so glad. The weeks of 90+ weather were making me crazy. Now we head on into fall and crisp nights. I'm looking forward to snuggling under blankets instead of sweating on top of the sheets.

Now, here are some pictures from Berlin.

My cousin, playing with her food.

Starting off the morning right.

Potsdamer Platz in Berlin

The Holocaust Memorial

The Brandenburg Gate

Pregnant cartwheels

The view from the top of the Victory Column

A mosaic on the ceiling of Kaiser Wilhelm Church

25 Woche und Zählen oder 25 Weeks and Counting

Last Monday was my 24 week appointment. I got to do the glucose screen, which I have been dreading since the beginning. It was an eight hour fast before hand and then a one hour test. I had planned to walk around during the hour, but didn't get a chance because I saw Herr Doktor during the wait and it was super busy, so there was lots of waiting.

Mine was actually Johannisbeere
flavor, which I'm told is better.

When I went in the nurse asked me if I had had nothing to eat or drink in eight hours. I told her I had had some water. She looked very alarmed and asked me if I had had a lot of water. I think I had about 8 ounces. I told her no because I am not going to have to do this test again if I have anything to say about it. Then she weighed me. I told her just before she did that I've not been gaining weight. When she put me on the scale I had dropped 600 grams (a little over a pound) since the last appointment. She looked really alarmed at this and asked me if I have been eating, to which I responded, "Yes!" 

Herr Doktor listened for the spawnette's heartbeat, which was 150. It was funny because at one point he said, "A kick," and he didn't need to tell me. I had that one figured out. Then he checked my cervix, which looked good, and because I had been itchy, did a swab which came back as a yeast infection. Yay. All in all though, it went well.

My house guest is gone for a week to the States. She returns on Thursday. I've actually been really thankful she's not here because it is hot as balls and most of the time I'm just sitting around with underwear on and nothing else. Thank God I bought a one-room air conditioner, or I would not be getting any sleep at all. I've been enjoying the time to myself and spending lots of time sewing, which I haven't done in ages and used to do all of the time. I think it was something I needed to work back to. I'm also watching really bad TV, which I am always embarrassed to do when someone else is around.

Oh, and another thing about sitting around nearly naked is that I discovered my boobs are leaking. Clear fluid mostly, but sometimes it's orangish. I guess this is the beginnings of colostrum. I'm glad things are working, but it's pretty disconcerting!

Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be better and I am hoping the forecast isn't lying this time. It has been in the nineties since Friday, and with no A/C, it's a killer. DH and I spent the weekend lying around watching TV on our laptops because turning on the big TV creates too much heat. And we've been eating microwave meals because it's too hot to even think of turning on the stove. I think I have been gaining weight this week from all of the crap I'm eating.

So, that's a little update on what's going on here. Congratulations to Tracy at Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen on her long awaited BFP! Here's wishing her a safe and healthy pregnancy.

Striving for contentment

In March I signed up for one of Cristy's fertility sock exchanges. I was in the midst of my first cycle with injectables. Cristy sets it up so that instead of giving and receiving socks with the same person, it's more of a chain where you receive from one person and give to another. Before I got my socks or had a chance to send mine out, I got my BFP and went on to have a positive beta the next week. Since that happened, one of my sock buddies has gotten pregnant and is in her second trimester with twins. The other has had an IUI that didn't result in pregnancy.

I've been reading lots of fertility blogs during my journey and many of the people that were TTCing when I started reading have gone on to get pregnant and are on the road to have healthy babies or already have their healthy baby. There are still several though who have not managed this, despite all of their best efforts and medical technology and hope and prayer. My sock buddy who has not conceived told me that she was self-isolating and trying to come to terms with what life has dealt her. I got the impression that it was, "Thanks for checking in, but it's too painful for me to talk to you and I need time to heal."

As I sit here, feeling the kicks of my daughter for the last hour or so, my heart breaks once again for those who have not been able to complete their journey to motherhood. (Not that my journey is over, mind you.) I want to be able to say to those people that they are not left behind in my mind. They are not less. They are still working through their journey to parenthood, or are working on making peace with being childless. They are still in my heart. I want to reach out and give comfort or a shoulder to cry on. I don't know how though. When I was still going through it, my mom would say to me that she knew I would have a baby. I know she was trying to comfort me, but I just wanted to lash out and say, "And what if I don't?! Don't tell me that everything will be alright when you don't know if that will happen. You can't guarantee that!"

Infertility has changed me and there are things that I don't think I'll ever take for granted. And I hope that if I meet someone, in person or online, who is struggling, that I will be able to say something besides, "Everything will be okay." Because sometimes, everything isn't okay. Sometimes life is really hard and things suck. Life is not fair. I think we all know this

But, I do believe that every person can get to a point where they are content with their life as it is, at least for a moment. And I hope that my interactions with others will be part of what makes a life of contentment, even if only for a moment. That's one good thing that has come out of my struggle with infertility.

Grief

My heart goes out today to Trisha at The Elusive Second Line who has lost her Maybe Baby at 9 weeks. There are no words.

Alles gut und schön oder all is good and well.

It's August already. I can hardly believe it.

Things have been uneventful around here. We went to a hay wagon festival a couple of weekends ago. They have an 800 meter (half mile) course set up in town and there are teams that push and pull the wagon loaded up with hay through the course. There's a couple of turns and they have to go around the water tower. The hard part is that there are two sections of about 10 feet of sand about 6 inches deep that they have to drag the wagons through. It's pretty entertaining.

My lovely house guest is still here and she has been wonderful. She's been cleaning and helping with stuff around the house and is a joy to have around. I will miss her when she goes in September.

The spawnette is kicking more and trying out some new stretches. I'm trying to get some sewing done on my big machine before my belly is too big. My uterus is already a couple of inches above my belly button!

The next doctor's appointment is the gestational diabetes screen, which I am not looking forward to. This is the test that I have been the most apprehensive about since it has such a high rate of false positives that lead to the dreaded three hour test. And, my doctor is having me do an eight hour fast before the test. Ugh.

Other than that, things are normal. I'm looking forward to fall and cooler weather which may lead to some clothes shopping because while pants are still fitting, they are getting uncomfortable and shirts are becoming too short. I'm working on the baby registry. DH and I bought a crib and dresser at Ikea last weekend. Things are moving along. All is well and good!