Saturday, August 11, 2012

Striving for contentment

In March I signed up for one of Cristy's fertility sock exchanges. I was in the midst of my first cycle with injectables. Cristy sets it up so that instead of giving and receiving socks with the same person, it's more of a chain where you receive from one person and give to another. Before I got my socks or had a chance to send mine out, I got my BFP and went on to have a positive beta the next week. Since that happened, one of my sock buddies has gotten pregnant and is in her second trimester with twins. The other has had an IUI that didn't result in pregnancy.

I've been reading lots of fertility blogs during my journey and many of the people that were TTCing when I started reading have gone on to get pregnant and are on the road to have healthy babies or already have their healthy baby. There are still several though who have not managed this, despite all of their best efforts and medical technology and hope and prayer. My sock buddy who has not conceived told me that she was self-isolating and trying to come to terms with what life has dealt her. I got the impression that it was, "Thanks for checking in, but it's too painful for me to talk to you and I need time to heal."

As I sit here, feeling the kicks of my daughter for the last hour or so, my heart breaks once again for those who have not been able to complete their journey to motherhood. (Not that my journey is over, mind you.) I want to be able to say to those people that they are not left behind in my mind. They are not less. They are still working through their journey to parenthood, or are working on making peace with being childless. They are still in my heart. I want to reach out and give comfort or a shoulder to cry on. I don't know how though. When I was still going through it, my mom would say to me that she knew I would have a baby. I know she was trying to comfort me, but I just wanted to lash out and say, "And what if I don't?! Don't tell me that everything will be alright when you don't know if that will happen. You can't guarantee that!"

Infertility has changed me and there are things that I don't think I'll ever take for granted. And I hope that if I meet someone, in person or online, who is struggling, that I will be able to say something besides, "Everything will be okay." Because sometimes, everything isn't okay. Sometimes life is really hard and things suck. Life is not fair. I think we all know this

But, I do believe that every person can get to a point where they are content with their life as it is, at least for a moment. And I hope that my interactions with others will be part of what makes a life of contentment, even if only for a moment. That's one good thing that has come out of my struggle with infertility.

1 comment:

  1. What a thoughtful post. It is so hard to come through it and know there are some people who haven't.